Still here

I've been a bad blogger- I've done nothing but lay around for almost two weeks- you think I could have written a blog post! I don't have a whole lot to say. I went back in to see my RE for some more spotting on December 21. Everything was still fine. Apparently this baby just wants to scare me. I also had a regular appointment on December 27, and baby T was measuring almost a week ahead, so I'm a little over 9 weeks right now. I'm already past the point where I lost my last pregnancy. The stupid SCH is still there, which makes me worry, but I haven't had any spotting in over a week. My anxiety has gotten a little better. I saw my counselor last week and she gave me some tips to help calm myself when I get in panic mode. It's very difficult. If I let my mind go I will imagine every scenario or bad thing that could possibly happen. The bottom line is that I HAVE NO CONTROL. My therapist said to tell myself repeatedly: "I can't control how this ends, but I can control the way I feel right now." She also told me to come up with a calming image. Here is my image:

Yes, my calming image is my dog. I took her to Moochie & Co for a charity photo shoot. I love how it turned out. I just need to picture that cute little face and imagine little puppy snuggles and it does calm me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes. Please, please stay and grow and come meet us next summer, baby T. We already love you so much!

Constant Fear

Pregnancy after loss is HARD. The first week or so after I found out I was pregnant I was fairly calm, but now that I've seen a baby with a heartbeat I am more anxious than ever. My last baby had a heartbeat too. The situation was different because I saw it in the ER after some serious bleeding from an SCH, but there was still a baby in there with a beating heart. Then 2 weeks later when I went for a follow-up u/s- nothing. The baby was gone. I can't help but replay that scenario in my head. Just because I had a good u/s the first time and baby has a heartbeat, doesn't mean I get to keep this baby.

I had a spotting scare this week. It started Tuesday, so I told myself it was just from the u/s on Monday. That wand is huge and they poke around quite a bit. I called the RE's office to let them know, and they agreed- it was probably from the u/s or just from the baby burrowing in, it was brown spotting so that was okay. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. After the serious red bleeding from my SCH during my last pregnancy, I spotted brown for 2 weeks and everything was not okay. I continued to panic and finally yesterday I cried to the nurse that I just knew something was wrong. They got me in for an u/s yesterday afternoon. Baby is fine, heart still beating away. I do have a tiny SCH again- which scares the crap out of me because I'm convinced that's what caused my loss the last time, but my RE said it's small and they are very common so I should try not to worry. He said a lot of women have them and don't even know because their pregnancies aren't monitored early like mine. He also said to call anytime- weekend or holiday too- and he would find a way to see me. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea for him to tell me that.....

I am in a constant state of anxiety. I wake up multiple times per night wondering if my baby is still alive in there. My friend Tara, who is pretty far along in her pregnancy after a loss, said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different." Great. So I'm going to be sick with fear for the next 8 months (hopefully, God willing!). I did call a counselor I've seen on and off for a couple of years. She had 2 miscarriages and then a successful pregnancy so I'm hoping she will be able to help me cope. My appointment is Monday morning. Maybe she has some magic formula for dealing with this. I doubt it. For now, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Whatever it takes. I want this baby so bad.

Wow

Baby T is looking great. I can't believe it. Measured 6 weeks 4 days and had a heartbeat of 126! My RE actually used the word "perfect." This still feels so unreal. Another ultrasound on December 27.

Still hoping....

Well, I'm still pregnant. My last beta came back at over 35,000. The progesterone supplements are really working because my progesterone was 47. So all the leaking and feeling like I've wet myself is worth it, thank goodness.

It still feels very surreal. I overheard DH telling his dad last night, "We'll see if it works out. We aren't getting our hopes up." I know he is just being guarded, but it makes me so sad that we have to be this way. I was watching Tori and Dean (which I will NEVER watch again because a friend pointed out an awful comment she made about Dean's ex-wife and her infertility), but anyway, she gets pregnant and gives him the pee stick in a box on Valentine's Day. He's so excited. In his world pregnancy = baby. 

I'm not trying to be negative. I really am excited about this pregnancy and the possibility of a baby. I keep thinking that this has to work out because if it doesn't, it's an awfully cruel joke for the universe to play on me. I had given up this dream.I didn't think I would see my belly grow or get to watch a child grow up to look like DH and me. I felt that adoption was the right choice for us. But now....now I think about all the things I had given up and I want them again. I want them more than I wanted them before. It would be cruel to take that away again, universe.

Right after our miscarriage, DH got me a peridot ring to honor the baby who would have been due August 2010. If I'm calculating right, this baby will be due in August 2012. I was shopping with a friend last weekend and I found an elephant bracelet, but it wasn't just an elephant. It had a peridot stone on it too. It wasn't like they had a bunch of elephant bracelets with different stones- peridot was the only stone the bracelet was made with. It must be a sign, right, elephants and peridot? My August baby is back? If not, at least I already have the birthstone ring. Sorry- I hate to even type that- but I live in a world where pregnancy doesn't always = baby. If only I could be blissfully ignorant like Tori and Dean.

I have my first ultrasound on Monday. According to my LMP, I should be just 6 weeks. It may be too early for a heartbeat but hopefully we can make sure everything is in the right place. I just keep telling myself that this is out of my control. The only thing I can do is take care of my body. Whatever happens will just happen. But please, please universe, let us keep this baby.....

Urban Legends

We've all heard them. You know, the cousin's brother's sister's friend's second cousin who got pregnant after doctors told her she was infertile and she had 3 failed rounds of IVF. The friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of someone you don't even know who decided to adopt or completed an adoption and then got pregnant. Those stories suck, and they are NOT at ALL encouraging. If you are a member of the IF community, those stories just piss you off. I WILL NOT be one of those stories.

Yes, I got pregnant after deciding to adopt. Yes, it was a surprise. But if you look at it statistically, it's been two years since I was pregnant the first time. My RE never said it was impossible for me to get pregnant, he just said it would be difficult. Hence the 2 years to get another BFP. It's not because I relaxed, or some stupid bullshit like that. Trust me, I haven't been relaxed.

My friend T is an urban legend. So is my friend C. T is going to make us t-shirts or something because WE DEFIED THE ODDS and got pregnant! Whatever. ::eyeroll:: (T- I secretly love the t-shirt idea, but don't tell anyone).

I guess the whole point of this post is that I don't want people telling stories about me. I don't want to be the friend of a friend of a friend you knew online who decided to adopt and then got pregnant. Again, those stories SUCK. I also know that there is no guarantee I will get to meet this baby. And just because it happens for some of us, does not mean it happens for all of us.

Somehow, my first two betas came back great (1,649 and 3,482). My progesterone is also good, although I am on supplements now as a precaution. This is still so surreal to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it. I am an urban legend, after all.

Disbelief

I've been waiting for AF to come because I was going to try my Diva Cup (I've been afraid ever since my Instead Cup incident). Anyway, she was supposed to come Thursday night or Friday, and my cycles have always been regular. This afternoon I was drowning in my self-pity as usual, so I decided to take a leftover pregnancy test. I figured I'd take the test and then AF would come right after because she's a bitch like that. I also figured that a negative test would give me more self-pity to wallow in.

For some reason the test was POSITIVE. It only took about 20 seconds for the second line to appear. I was shocked. I thought it was an old test so it must be wrong. I went out and bought 3 more tests. ALL POSITIVE.

Thinking back, I'm pretty sure DH and I only had sex a couple of times this cycle (we've been busy and tired- stop judging!). I haven't been charting or keeping track of anything because technically we aren't TTC. We just aren't preventing. I do remember having ovulation cramps (at least I assumed they were) this cycle but I can't recall if we actually did it that day. I really can't believe this happened.

Cue the panic. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and this was a dream, or I'll wake up to AF. Each time I've gone to the bathroom since this afternoon I'm checking for blood. Last time the bleeding started at around 6 weeks because of an SCH, then at 8 weeks my baby was gone. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been pregnant before. I let myself get excited, only to have my world turned upside down. I really hope the universe isn't playing some awful trick on us. I really thought adoption was it for us. Maybe it still will be, but I really hope we get to keep this baby. Can we just fast forward through time so I can see how this ends?

Not Chosen

At least we're not waiting any more. Even though I said I was expecting a "no," this still sucks.

The Almost Tattoo

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a wonderful support group of women I met online after my miscarriage. The elephant has always been a symbol of strength and remembrance for us. Women and elephants never forget. I've wanted an elephant tattoo for several months. I have an elephant pendant that I love, and I just wanted a teeny tiny version of it on my foot. I already have a tattoo on the back of my right hip, a butterfly I got when I was 18. I never regretted getting that tattoo, and it means more to me now that the butterfly is part of the symbol for pregnancy loss awareness. I wasn't scared of getting a tattoo (okay, I was a little worried about the pain) but I had done it before so I wasn't panicking about getting something permanent on my body.

I decided this week would be the perfect time to get my tattoo because I was off work. I worried that my foot would be sore and it would be hard to wear certain shoes, so this was perfect because I could be off my feet for a few days. On Monday, my friend C and I went to a local tattoo parlor that a friend recommended. I was nervous, but mostly just being wimpy about the pain. I showed the artist my necklace and he said he could do a tiny version of it. They were booked for the day, so I made an appointment to come back Wednesday.

Again, I wasn't nervous about the permanence of things, just worried it would be painful. I knew I really wanted this, as I'd been thinking about it for some time. On Wednesday, C and I arrived at the parlor and the artist took my necklace and used it to make a drawing of the tattoo. I loved his design. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked him if he could make it a little smaller though, like the size of a quarter or nickel. He said he could make it a little smaller but not too much because it may start to blur and I may not be able to see what it was. I had this vision in my head of the tattoo being so small that I could cover it up with one of those circular band-aids if I wanted to hide it. As I teacher I felt that there may be some professional times I would want to hide it.

In the chair I went. We discussed where on my foot the tattoo should be placed. I really wanted it low, closer to the sole of my foot but the artist said it shouldn't be in a place where my shoe might  rub a lot. So we decided on my ankle, which really wasn't my plan but I was still comfortable with everything at that point. He put the print on my ankle, and I really started to look at it. It was 3 or 4 times the size of what I wanted. I said several times, "I think it's too big." I kept looking at C and asking her opinion. She didn't want to tell me either way because it was MY tattoo and she didn't want to influence me. The artist kept telling me it wasn't too big (but he's covered in tattoos). I was envisioning reading a story on the carpet to my second graders and having them ask "What is that on your ankle?" over and over. Again, in my mind this tattoo teeny tiny and could be covered with a small band-aid. The artist said again that he didn't want to do it any smaller and he didn't think it was too big.

I felt very uncomfortable. I was putting this on my body FOREVER. So I made the decision to leave. I told the artist I loved his design (which I did) but this was just so much bigger than I wanted and I'd have to think about it longer or choose another place on my body.  I felt like an ass after he spent time making the design, but I would feel like a bigger ass if I had gotten something permanent on my body that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.

I may try a different artist to see if it can be done smaller, but for now the tattoo is on hold. The design is so cute, but I don't regret leaving. I know I would regret having a huge (in my mind) elephant on my ankle. Oh and after we left C said, "Yeah, that was too big but I wanted you to make the decision." Here is a pic of the almost tattoo.

Very peculiar... (updated)

Something really strange happened today. I hope you can keep up with me because it's a little complicated. Two of the three agencies we are working with post their birthmother information online (they give us a user name and password after we are active). One agency (we'll call them #1) only posts race, due date, and cost of adoption and then we call to get more info. The other (#2) posts more, including initials, age, and specifics about prenatal care and support in the adoption, and they call us if we are being considered. #1 is the agency currently showing us. We were given many details about the situation so we can make an informed decision, so I have more than a page of notes on the birthmother and birthfather for this situation.

I decided to get on agency #2's website today just to see if any new birthmothers had been posted. Imagine my surprise to see a situation that looked EXACTLY like the one we are currently being presented to with agency #1. I remember seeing this situation on agency #2's website several weeks ago, and I wondered why we hadn't been called because it fit our budget and preferences.

I decided to call agency #1 and let them know what I saw. I spoke with the our adoption coordinator for this situation and she said it was probably just a coincidence. She was very nice but pretty much dismissed me. Then she called back a few minutes later. She said "Wow, that is really strange, those details are the same as our birthmother's even down to the initials and age." She did say that sometimes agency #2 will post information about a birthmother as soon as they get an application- before they've even started working with her. I'm hoping that's the case and this birthmother applied with both agency but just decided to go with agency #1 instead. Agency #1 assured me that they are looking into it and will get to the bottom of what's going on. Our coordinator didn't say that we haven't been chosen, so I'm assuming the birthmother is still looking at all the profiles and we haven't been ruled out.

Phew. Hope that makes sense. I feel a little uneasy now......

UPDATE: Our coordinator, who's been wonderful, called again last night to let me know what's going. They went and talked to the birthmother yesterday. Apparently she applied at agency #2, but didn't feel as comfortable there so she never pursued it. Agency #1 and #2 use the same doctors so agency #1 did check with the doctors to make sure birthmother hasn't been in with more than one agency. I'm glad this is settled, but it makes me question agency #2. Why are they putting her information on their website if the birthmother isn't fully committed to work with them? I don't understand that. But the coordinator did say that birthmother has looked at profiles, but she is waiting to talk with birthfather so they can make a final decision. So we are still "in the running." To be honest, I'm just waiting for the phone call that we weren't chosen. I just can't imagine that we'd actually get a baby......

Our first showing!

That title makes it sound like we're selling our house or something.

So I was wallowing pretty deep in my own self-pity on Saturday when my phone rang. It was one of the agencies calling to see if we'd be interested in being shown to a birth mother. They call it a "situation" so that's what I will call it from here on. We've had to turn down several situations because they were just way over our budget. This one is within our budget (at the top-but doable) and the information we were given was very positive. The agency tries to give us as much info on the birth parents as possible before we make the decision to be shown, because if she chooses us once we're shown, we can't back out. DH is much more cautious than me, so we had a long talk about this. At first he was reluctant, but then we sat and discussed the reasons we would say no, and they really weren't all that valid. I keep telling myself "If this isn't meant to be our baby, then she won't pick us." So we are being shown tomorrow morning. I know the birth parents will see several profiles so there is only a small chance they will choose us, but I can't help being excited. Just the fact that we're considered means we meet some of their initial preferences. I'm also terrified. This could actually happen! The agency will let us know either way in about a week. If you could spare any positive thoughts, DH and I would really appreciate them.

Waiting for a change

You are all invited to my pity party. I've been throwing it for myself for about two weeks. With the holidays coming I just can't seem to get out of my funk. DH and I went out after Halloween to check out the decorations and costumes the stores had marked down. I remember last year thinking that next year hopefully we would be able to look at kid's costumes. It's next year. And I still couldn't look at kid's costumes. That really got to me, and with Christmas and New Year's coming up I can't help but think nothing has changed. We still don't have a baby. I really just want to crawl into a hole and come out in February, because my birthday is in January and last year I turned 30. Again, I thought my 31st birthday would surely be different different. January will be here before I know it and things aren't looking good.

I try to remind myself that we have come a long way. We jumped through countless hoops to complete our home study and also to be active with our agencies. But actually holding my own baby just seems so far away. Honestly, it seems impossible. I was shopping a friend's baby registry online the other day (actually going into a baby store may be the end of me). So I was looking through the things she and her husband and registered for, and while I'm thrilled for her, it just feels like my DH and I will never get to do that. Will we ever get to pick out a crib? Can we pick out a stroller and car seat? Don't even get me started on baby names..... that will never happen. At least it feels that way.

Waaaahhh, waaaahh, waahh. I know. I should get over myself and stop throwing pity parties. I should be grateful for the wonderful family I do have. And I am. I am SO thankful for my husband, my wonderful family, my in-laws, and my friends. I am blessed with a great support system. I know that. But it's not enough. Those people can't give me a baby. A life with DH and I, just the two of us, is not the life I want. I love him so much, but it can't be the two of us forever. I was meant to be a mom. I'm just tired of waiting for our lives to change.

Screw you IF, you bitch. Who is this selfish, depressed person you turned me into? It isn't fair.

Broken

Halloween was really difficult for me. It's so hard to watch all the families and kids when I want that so bad for myself.

I was planning to write a longer post, but I just don't have it in me.

"There were photographs I wanted to take  
Things I wanted to show you  
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes  
Who could love you like this?

 

People say that I am brave but I'm not.

Truth is I'm barely hanging on." 
 
--Audrey's Song by Selah

Crap. This already sucks.

We are now active with all 3 agencies and 1 attorney! When I first got our home study packet back in July, I cried because I was so overwhelmed with all the hoops and paperwork and requirements. I never thought we would get to this point. Here we are. But...

Waiting sucks. Big time.

This is the hardest part so far, and it's only been a week. I guess with all the home study requirements and applications I felt more useful because we were actually doing something. Now we're doing nothing....but waiting.

Since becoming active, we've received info on two birthmothers. Once we see the info, we let the agency know if we are interested in having our profile shown and then the birthmother will choose from there. The first situation we had to turn down because it was over our budget, and the second we had to say no because it involved extended travel. I know it's only a couple of weeks and I should be glad that we are already getting birthmother info. I just can't help being discouraged and wondering if we will ever get our baby. In December it will be two years since my BFP. Two years later and still no family. I never imagined we'd be waiting this long or that having a family would be so hard. I really don't want to go through another holiday season childless. Last weekend I took my dog to a costume contest and pet parade. It was a lot of fun, but I can't help being sad when I see all the kids dressed up in their costumes. When will it be my turn to buy kid's costumes? My poor dog now has six Halloween costumes.......
Recently on SNL it was said said that dressing up your dog is a way to tell your neighbors you can't have kids. Screw you Seth. You have no idea what IF is like and you can kiss my ass. Besides, my dog is damn cute dressed up, isn't she? Here she is struttin' her stuff in the parade. Notice the pom-poms- my husband sewed them!

Sorry girl, we will never stop dressing you up, even if we do eventually get our baby. You're too cute!

Almost there

We are now active with 2 of our 3 agencies!!! Finally! I didn't think we'd get to this point, ever. There were some frustrations during the last week though.

One agency emailed and said they did not have a letter from one of our references. I knew that this person sent her reference because I bugged her (in a friendly way, of course!) about sending it and she ended up texting me a picture of her stamped envelope the day she mailed it so I would leave her alone. So I knew either the post office or the agency made a mistake. Luckily, the agency allowed her to fax another copy, so that didn't hold us up long.

The same day my friend faxed her copy of the "lost" letter, I called one of the other agencies because I hadn't heard from them after I sent the copies of our background checks. The woman I spoke with said she hadn't received the background checks yet. Inside I immediately freaked, but I told her (in my friendliest voice) that I had delivery confirmation from the post office that the paperwork had arrived a week ago. She hung up to look for it, then called back about 5 minutes later to apologize and let me know she had located it. Phew! I was really about to blow up after that one, because I knew it had been delivered.

I don't mean to criticize either agency. I know they receive a lot of paperwork and are very busy. I know I'm not their #1 priority. I was just getting so frustrated because it seemed like every time I thought we were finished they would ask for something else. The 3rd agency called today for a phone interview. We are approved, but still have to go through an official approval by an agency committee. We should be active by the end of the week.

The hardest part in the next several months will be waiting. I'm trying to focus on searching/applying for grants, and finding a fundraiser for us. DH still isn't sold on the fundraising idea. I'm searching for something we can do or sell online. DH's fear is that people will feel obligated. I don't want anyone to feel obligated, and I also hope the idea of a fundraiser doesn't offend anyone. My friend S, who brought her son home in July through adoption, sold T-shirts from Adoption Bug. I've checked those out and most of them are scripture shirts. S and her husband are both pastors so that was perfect for them, but I'm not sure it really "fits" our family and friends. I don't know. I go back and forth on the whole fundraising idea. If you have any ideas, feel free to comment and let me know.

::looks up at ticker:: It took almost 5 months to get to the active point. And I haven't put anything off, I've been working through things as fast as I can. There is nothing quick or easy about adoption. So if you EVER hear anyone say to "just adopt" please respond appropriately with anger...

The Waiting Game

::taps fingers impatiently:: I am a very patient person, considering I'm  second grade teacher. I guess my patience is only applicable to certain situations, because waiting for these agencies is driving me crazy! I sent all the applications out on September 20. I thought my first emotion would be excitement, but honestly as soon as I put the boxes in the mail receptacle I was filled with fear. I'm not afraid of taking care of a baby. I can't wait for DH and I to be parents. I'm just afraid of everything that may come up during the adoption process. The birth mother may change her mind, we may be matched in a situation that ends up being over our budget, we have to wait 6 months to finalize once we get back to Ohio, etc., etc., etc. So many hurdles along the way.

Just like I thought the home study process would never end, I really feel like the matching process will never begin. I mailed everything September 20. The agencies received them September 23 (not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person or anything), and on September 26 I was contacted by all 3 agencies. They all need official copies of our background checks and child abuse clearances. Stupid me, I thought that was included in the home study. It is referenced in the home study that we are clear and those were completed, but I had to call our home study agency to get the actual documents. More waiting. So I received the documents October 1, then mailed them to the agencies Oct 2. They received them Oct 5. Again, not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person. So now I'm just waiting for the agencies to contact me again to say we are active. All 3 said everything was in order except these missing documents. Umm, it's Oct 7. Don't these people know how hard it is to wait?? (honestly I know they are busy and I'm not number one on their list, but wouldn't it be nice if I were?)

We did have a conference call with the attorney in Florida we are signed up with. He doesn't do that many adoptions each year, so theoretically our wait time with him will be much longer. However, if we match with him it will end up costing less than $15k. Also, traveling to Florida sounds so much better than traveling to Utah. So I sent him our profile on Oct 4, delivery confirmed Oct 6. We should be active with him by next week.

So here we go. The waiting game is just beginning, because once we are active we have to wait for a match. Once we are matched we have to wait for a birth. After the birth we have to wait for the birth mother to sign. After that we have to wait 6 months to finalize.

Did I mention we wanted a baby like, years ago?????

Breathe in, breathe out (let's talk money)

What you're seeing above is all the paperwork to be sent out to our agencies!! I'm just waiting on the home study to come in the mail, which should be early this week. It feels so good to have this part done.

The good feeling is bittersweet though, because we went to the bank the other day to talk about a loan to finance our adoption. It was depressing. We need to show the agencies that we have access to money to cover the fees, which could range from $17,000 to $30,000. We talked with the manager of our credit union, and discovered that a home equity loan is definitely out of the question. We really didn't want to go that route anyway, but it was frustrating news. According to our last tax appraisal (which we know is always lower than what our house is actually worth) we only have $1,000 of equity from 4 years of payments. We could pay an appraiser $350 to see what the actual value of our house is, but that would just screw us with our taxes and we don't want to pay that much for an appraisal. It was upsetting to hear that house values have plummeted so much and we've pretty much gotten nowhere.

So our only option is a personal loan, which is considered unsecured debt. DH and I have great credit- we don't have any debt other than our house, my student loans, and one car loan. So loaning us the money really isn't a problem, but because it's a personal loan and they have nothing as collateral, they could only give us $20,000. That's actually not too bad, but again, because it's a personal loan the terms can't be more than 5 years. So if we end up needing the full $20k, our payment will be around $480 a month. CRAZY. We can make it work, but it will be a huge stretch. If our adoption ends up on the higher end, closer to $30k, we may have to use all our savings, or turn down that situation because we can't afford it.

We're stressed. We actually had a big fight about it the other night. If we have such a large loan payment, how are we going to cover formula, diapers, and all the other things a baby needs? I was trying to be optimistic and told DH that hopefully we can get the federal tax credit to pay back a large portion of the loan, and we can also have a fundraiser and ask our family and friends to donate. This is what started our fight. DH is so generous and he donates money often. I pointed this out to him and he responded that he doesn't donate so he can "get something back." I know that, that wasn't my point. I tried to explain to him that there are many people who care about us and want us to be parents and would be more than happy to donate to our cause. I think of all the times I've thrown money in a collection envelope for someone at work and I know they would do the same for me. Last year our friends had a house fire and we donated a large amount of money to them, and now that we are on the other side I know they would reciprocate. But DH freaked. He said people would feel obligated and he just thinks it's wrong to ask people he knows for money. I think he's being too proud. No one has to give us anything and I certainly wouldn't want people to feel obligated. After much back and forth I told him "fine, we just won't adopt because then will have money. Obviously that is the most important thing to you. It will just be me and you forever." I love my husband with all my heart, but just the two of us is not the life I envisioned. It's just not enough for me. I told him that, and I think I hurt his feelings but I wanted to be honest. I want to be a mom. I need to be a mom. I think if he were honest with himself he would admit that he desperately wants to be a dad.

In hindsight, I see that DH is just trying to be logical and smart about our finances. I'm glad he's that way. He balances out my impulsive side. I still disagree about the fundraiser and I'm hoping he will warm up to the idea more. I can only hope that things work out how they should and we will end up with what we can handle.

This is quite the roller coaster ride, and I think once our applications go through and we are actively waiting there will be many more twists and turns! I'm not getting off this ride anytime soon.

Put a fork in it

Our home study is DONE! I can't believe it. One of our references got lost in the mail, but as soon as our social worker gets the new one we are approved!! But....

this is me. We are doing things differently than most because of our consultant. We will be working with three agencies in Utah and one attorney in Florida. This will help increase our exposure and hopefully get us matched faster. If we were only using the Ohio agency that did our home study, we would be done with all paperwork. So I realize we've brought some of this on ourselves because we chose to use the consultant. Now I have multiple applications, information sheets, and other requirements to sort through and fill out. It stinks. I'm tired of it all. But I keep going because I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. Also, when I start to get fed up with this whole process I try to put myself in the birth mother's shoes. If I were giving up my child for adoption I would want to make sure that the parents are well prepared and have had every kind of clearance imaginable. That helps me keep my perspective if I start to get angry. I'm anticipating that we'll be active in about a month. I'm waiting on a certified copy of our birth certificates to come in the mail, and we have to go to the bank to get our loan because one agency requires proof that we have the money. I've finished putting together our profile books (all 23 of them!) and they are ready to send out soon. I'm so excited, but I'm also scared to death. I can't believe we've made it this far!

Time. Does it really heal?

As my second EDD approaches, I can't help thinking about how different things are this year. It still stings that I should have a one year old. I don't know if I will ever stop counting the years of what would've-no SHOULD'VE- been our first child. But that aching, hollow feeling isn't as strong this year. Last year my EDD fell on the day of my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I was so sad and depressed that I only attended the shower and skipped the party. How could I have fun when I should have a baby in my arms? How could I put aside the fact that every month when my period comes it feels like the world is going to end? Today, I'm angry at myself for being so consumed with my own grief that I couldn't forget it for one night (or at least pretend to) and have fun with my SIL. But you know IF, she turns you into a selfish bitch.

I don't think it's time that has healed me so much. I'm not healed. I just have a new focus, our adoption. I'm excited about the fact that despite my stupid, failure of a body, we may actually have a family soon. That bitch is still there though. For example, today I found out that our former school nurse's daughter, who had breast cancer and went through chemo, is now pregnant. She is also 40 and has two school aged kids. My first thought wasn't "oh how wonderful after all she's been through." Nope, it was "awesome, she had poison in her body and has old eggs yet she still gets KU and I don't. And she already has two kids." Yep, there's the bitch again! I've just learned to control her better.

In other news, we had our first visit with the social worker on Sunday. It went well (I think) and her next, and final, visit is on Labor Day. At that point I'm not sure how long it will take her to complete the home study, but hopefully not long. We managed to cross EVERYTHING off our list except for the 3.5 hours of online courses we need to take, which we will hopefully do this weekend. I can't believe how much we've accomplished. Oh, there is another thing though. Since I attended therapy after my miscarriage, I need to get a letter from my therapist saying why she treated me and if I'm fit to adopt. No problem, right. Well it isn't a problem, but my therapist charges $60 to write it! Oh well, it's only money. Except we've already spent close to $5000 on this and we haven't even been match yet. We also had to pay for our social worker's gas because she traveled more than 60 miles round trip. Whatever. It will be worth it. Except DH will have to work so much overtime he'll never get to see our kid.

I also went back to work Monday. I'm so excited because I got a Smartboard! I've been using an overhead projector and transparencies (hello, 1980s) for the past 7 years, so this is a big upgrade. I'm can't wait to learn all the things I'll be able to do with it. The bad part is I already want to hurt one of my coworkers and it's only been 2 days. But maybe my principal grew a pair over the summer and he'll keep her in check. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So now you're all caught up. Second EDD- still no baby- but hey, we're moving forward, right?

Kickin A$s

So last week I threw a pity party for us and whined about everything we have to do for our homestudy. School starts in 3 weeks and I need to get my classroom ready, and we will be on vacation all next week. We are also stripping and refinishing our kitchen table, which has turned out to be a much bigger project than we anticipated. I was definitely feeling the pressure to get things done. I am so proud of myself though, because I worked my ass off this week. I was able to get almost the entire table sanded (with help from DH and my grandma) and it should be ready for staining after vacation. I also got my whole classroom unpacked and organized (we have to pack up each year so they can "clean" our rooms- they never look that clean so it's just a waste of time) so all I have left at school is putting student's names on things and getting my open house packet and first week lesson plans ready. We also crossed off many things on our homestudy list:

1. Application for child placement- I didn't realize this was on our original homestudy application, so it was already done
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment- I have mine, DH still has to get his after vacation
6. References- 5 non-relatives- mailed, hopefully our references fill them out in a timely manner
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)- mine is done, DH has an appt Aug 15
14. Child care class- scheduled Aug 17
15. Infant CPR certification- scheduled Aug 18
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire- I have started this, and plan to finish in the car on vacation
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)- done!
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker- first one scheduled Aug 21

Many of the items left are just a matter of making copies. Also, our profile book is DONE! I had to revise it 4 times, but our consultant says it looks great now! So when we get back from vacation we can work on getting it printed. I will probably just go to Kinko's and then get some plastic sheet covers at an office supply store. N said not to make it too formal. I can't believe how much we've gotten done. I'm so proud of us and I hope we can relax and enjoy our vacation now! The week we get back will be so busy. I will have to finish up everything at school Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, then Wednesday night is our child care class and Thursday night is our CPR class. I also have an autism workshop all day Thursday and Friday, then the social worker comes Sunday, and school starts Monday! I guess I won't really be enjoying my last week of summer. Oh well, it will all be worth it!

I think I... can?

Before I begin my post- I want to ask for T&Ps for a dear friend, SM, who may suffer another miscarriage. Her scan showed some abnormalities and she's having further tests done next week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

So I've been anxiously waiting for our adoption paperwork to come. Yesterday, after another pity party filled morning (my school friends went to a waterpark without me- you know, because I couldn't possible enjoy it without kids,) I went to the mailbox to find an envelope from our agency. I also found a box full of cookies from my friend C at The Port of Indecision (love you girl!!) so it was a happy day at the mailbox. Until I opened the agency's envelope. The cookies are AMAZING, btw.

I became so OVERWHELMED and had a mini breakdown/tantrum. I knew the home study was going to be a lot of work, but I had NO IDEA. I feel like there is a huge mountain in front of me and I don't know if I'll make it to the top or other side. And just so you know I'm not kidding, let me list every requirement for you.

1. Application for child placement
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment
6. References- 5 non-relatives
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)
14. Child care class (can't wait to take that with expectant parents!)
15. Infant CPR certification
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire 
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker

So don't EVER, EVER tell anyone they can "just" adopt. That implies this process is easy. That implies that this process doesn't examine every aspect of your life. The crack whore downtown can be homeless and get KU, yet DH and I have to jump through countless hoops before we are "approved" to be parents.

I know that if I were a birth mother I would want all these things done. I get that. I also get that this is the path we're on and I might as well embrace it. I know it will be worth it, I know that. I just feel a little defeated at this point.

One of the big problems is the CPR class. DH can't get off work during the day, and he works every Saturday. So trying to find an infant or child certification class that is at night or on Sunday has been difficult for me so far. I did find one with our local FD, but they said they cancel if there aren't enough people signed up. The hospitals offer classes, but they don't certify you. So hopefully something will work out. The child care class did have a Sunday offering so that shouldn't be a problem.

So wish me luck, I guess. I'm chuggin' up the mountain....

Oh hello anger, my old friend

So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?

Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.

In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!

I think I can.. I think I can...

Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandma's house. I remember she had a copy of The Little Engine That Could and I loved reading it. When I began teaching I made sure to have a copy of it in my classroom. I remember watching the little train huff and puff and say "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." and finally make it up the big hill. I felt so proud of him. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that hill.

I had our second call with our adoption consultant, N, yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how people navigate the adoption process on their own. She has been such a huge help and she truly knows what she's doing. I would be so overwhelmed and lost without her. I spent the last 2-3 weeks working on our profile, which I thought turned out pretty well. I sent it to N last week so she could look it over and comment. She said many great things about it, but there is a lot I need to rewrite. I need to be more specific and change my language to appeal to birth mothers. Again, I'm so thankful for N because many of the things she pointed out I never would have thought of. For example, I put a picture of my nephew holding Shorty (our dog) and said she likes when he comes over to play. To me, it was obvious I was trying to say that Shorty is gentle with kids and will be gentle with ours. N said tell a specific story about how our nephew was playing with Shorty and Shorty was gentle, then end it by saying, "Shorty would love to play and be gentle with your child." Your child. Those words I must repeat over and over in the profile. I thought it would bother me to write or say it, but it really doesn't. It is her child and will be in some way forever and I need to respect and acknowledge that.

N works out of Florida and the agencies she recommended are either there or in Utah. Utah law is very adoption friendly- the birth mother can sign over consent 24 hours after the birth and it is immediately irrevocable. Don't believe the stories people tell you about birth mothers coming back for their babies. It does happen, but it's rare and most states have laws that protect the adoptive parents. A birth mother would have to prove she was either coerced or that the adoption wasn't carried out legally. The media has blown stories like this way out of proportion. Remember that book and movie, Losing Isaiah? I read and watched both. It was a private adoption and it was carried out illegally. Again, I'm so thankful for N because she works with these agencies regularly and knows they are professional and legal.

Now, let's about discount babies. I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone. It truly boggles my mind. DH and I decided we are very open to mixed races. All our nieces and nephews are biracial. DH's sister has a son who is African American and Caucasian, and DH's brother's wife is from Panama so his kids are South American (not sure if that's the right term) and Caucasian. I never thought about it before we decided on adoption, but if DH and I had a bio child it would be the only Caucasian grandchild in the family at this point! N was going through the list of agencies she gave me and many have a flat fee for Caucasian or Hispanic and a lower fee for biracial. Also, many wave their application fees if you are open to other races. N explained that there are many factors that go into it and many times a birth mother who is pregnant with a biracial child comes to the agency later and has less expenses, the state subsidizes some adoptions from other races, etc. I still don't get it. Why wouldn't anyone want those kids just as much as a Caucasian one? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people don't want society to immediately know their child is adopted. I realize that there are people who will make comments if DH and I have a child from another race. But there are stupid people everywhere who will make comments regardless of the situation. We are open to other races because we will love a child no matter what, not because it will be cheaper and/or less likely to fall through. Again, I hope I'm not offending anyone because I can see how this would be a heated issue.

So back to my title. I contacted the agency N wants us to use for our home study (we have to use an Ohio agency for this) and I'm (im)patiently waiting for a call back. I looked over their website and found the list of required documents to complete the home study. WOW. This is where I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge hill and I'm not sure if I'll make it to the top or back down. And it could take up to 2 months to complete. Ugh. Don't they know I wanted a baby like, forever ago????

I hope someday I can read The Little Engine That Could to my child and tell the story of how much I wanted him or her and how proud I am to be a mom.

"You must give up the life you've planned in order to have the life that's waiting for you."

I'm a sucker for song lyrics and quotes. I heard that quote on a TV show the other day, and it just fits so perfectly with my current situation that it stuck with me. I am giving up my dream of having biological kids with DH and that does sting (even if it's not forever.) But our adoption decision just feels so right. So right that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I know, I'm ruining my reputation as a bitter IF bitch, but I can't help it. There is a little baby out there waiting for us, and even though I can't carry him or her inside me, he or she will still be ours. Maybe part of my joy is the fact that I'm off work and not stressed right now. Who knows, but I'm going to take this happiness any way it comes. There's another song I've been listening to lately that has great lyrics. It's called "Stronger" by Sara Evans. It is about getting over an ex, but to me it feels like it's about letting go of the stupid bitch named Infertility and not letting her control my life anymore. It's the last part that really gets to me. IF and loss have changed me so much, but I've come out a better person with a stronger marriage. So take that IF, you bitch!

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Updates

I've been slacking lately on my blogging. I have no excuse now because school is out. I've officially been off for a week now and it's great! Some updates on life lately:

On June 9 I had surgery to fix my uterine septum. I started to question whether I should still have it since we aren't TTC, but since we haven't completely ruled it out for the future I figured it's worth it. Things went really well. My septum was actually a lot larger than my RE thought, and he was able to repair it. He estimates that my uterus now has 25% more surface area. When you think about a baby attaching that seems like a lot more space. It is possible that my first loss was due to attachment in a spot with poor blood supply. Of course it could have also been a crappy egg, because even though my uterus now looks better, I still have high FSH and slightly low AMH. Those things can't be fixed. So while this surgery does make things better for the future, we are still not pursuing fertility treatments.

We had our first call with the adoption consultant. I am SO glad we decided to use her. I feel so comfortable knowing there is someone on our side who will help us navigate through this difficult process. DH and I first had to listen to a 3 1/2 hour recording to get some general info and come up with any questions before the first call. A lot of the information I had already read in books, but it was good for DH to hear it. It eased a lot of our fears about open adoptions and about finalizing (the birth mother CANNOT come take her baby back!)  She gave me some great ideas about what to put in our profile so I have been working hard on it. I need to complete it by June 23, then on June 27 we have our second call with her and we will get started with our homestudy. So while I'm working hard on this profile, she is doing the legwork and finding agencies/attorneys that fit our budget and our plan. Like I said before, it's so wonderful to have her!

We did discover that we have to take out a loan to finance our adoption. It sucks, but we are fortunate enough to have some extra money to be able to finance it. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful we didn't spend a ton of money on failed fertility treatments. This adoption will probably end up costing us between $30-$40k. That is a lot- and it makes us very nervous- but at the same time we feel so much more comfortable knowing we will actually have a baby at the end of this. I still feel like this is the right path for us now. We are actually moving forward and I'm excited!

Well, crap, this is a roller coaster too....

I NEVER for one minute thought building our family through adoption would be easy. In fact, I believe it will be more difficult because of all the legal aspects, possibility of a failed match, and other issues. However, I never expected our journey just to get started to be so overwhelming. I mentioned in my earlier post that I began reading Adoption for Dummies. I've since read 4 more books about adoption, and DH and I have made a complete circle. Our initial thought was to pursue domestic infant adoption. I would not mind an older child later on, but for my first I would like the infant experience. So I started researching agencies, attorneys, etc. Then DH and I had a conversation about domestic adoption (DA) and all the what-ifs and how unpredictable the timeline is. One of my adoption books has a section on your personality and how it can influence your decision to choose domestic or international. We discovered that an international adoption (IA) follows a much more specific timeline and you are a lot less likely to have a failed match. We initially ruled out international because of increased cost and travel. Then we got excited- we are such Type As- maybe international is a better choice. So I began researching all the different countries and educating myself on IA. My brother hooked me up with a wonderful woman who runs a nonprofit and had a lot of advice.

After researching different countries we became very discouraged. With IA we may be required to travel to a country more than once for up to 3-4 weeks at a time. This is just not possible with DH's job. It would be possible for me in the summer, but not during the school year. And who knows when we would receive our placement? We discovered that the wait in many countries is several years. I'm still not giving up on IA, but we determined at this point it's not for us. Maybe later on if our circumstances change.

So now we are back to our original plan- domestic infant adoption. My mom reconnected me with a couple from my hometown who adopted domestically 2 years ago. I've been emailing back and forth with the wife and she has been extremely helpful. She even sent me a copy of their "Lifebook" so I can see what goes into it. It's going to be a lot of work, so I'm glad summer is coming. This couple used a consultancy firm to help them navigate through this scary process. It is basically someone to hold our hands throughout everything until we bring our baby home. They agreed to take us on and we have our first consultation on June 6. I am so excited to get the ball rolling, but overwhelmed at how much it's going to take to get there. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

The Decision

I feel much relief and peace right now about our family. It's amazing considering how angry I've been for the past several months. DH and I have decided not to go forward with any fertility treatments at this time and to pursue adoption. We are not giving up on the possibility of a biological child, we are just choosing at this point to grow our family another way. It feels so strange because we've been on such a roller coaster since we started TTC, yet we came to this decision easily. I guess (as corny as it sounds- I don't want to ruin my reputation as a bitter IF bitch) maybe that means it's the right decision for us.

I am going to go ahead with the surgery to fix my uterine septum on June 9, as it is not a difficult surgery and I want the peace of mind if I ever do conceive again.

I've been reading Adoption for Dummies since my disappointing RE appointment back on April 1. It is a little discouraging as it goes through all the steps and requirements to adopt and the many complications that can arise. I know this isn't going to be an easy road; that's not why we chose this option. But IUIs with injectables and IVF weren't going to be easy either.

It feels so strange to be "coming out" with this decision. My heart feels lighter than it has felt in months. I know adoption is not for everyone, and I hope I will still have the wonderful support of the IF blogging community though I'm not longer pursuing fertility treatments (they are not off the table for the future). I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what I write and also to comment. It means a lot!

Our WTF appointment

So we had our appointment this morning with the RE to discuss our options. I was fully prepared for a doom and gloom scenario and for him to basically tell me how bad I suck. He really didn't. He went through all of my test results very matter-of-factly.

• My prolactin was very elevated. He had blood work from my PCP a year ago that had it at 15 (normal), when they drew it during the last cycle it was 43.
• My estrogen was 99 on day 3. Again, very high.
• My FSH was normal on day 3 (6.9), but very elevated on day 10 (21)
• My AMH was normal (1.56), but low normal (normal is 1-6)
• My LH on day 10 was 23
• I had multiple follicles on the baseline ultrasound. One matured to 30 (mm, I think)
• I have a borderline uterine septum, which could hinder implantation
• I have what he believes to be adenomyosis (inflammation) on my uterus. This can't be definitively diagnosed. It could hinder implantation, or it could not.

He said that if you look at some of my results independently, such as the FSH, it looks pretty bad. But if you look at all of the factors, with age still being the most important, there are still many options. He said with Femara, Gonal F, and IUI he gives us a 3-5% chance each cycle. A normal fertile couple only has a 20% chance to conceive each month. With IVF, he gives us a 5-15% chance. His recommendation is to try 2-3 cycles with the injectables and IUI, because if you look at the statistics 3 cycles would give us a 15% chance, and IVF gives us a 15% chance with just one attempt. Plus the cost of 3 IUI cycles would equal (or be less) than the cost of one IVF. And of course the IUI cycles are much less invasive. I'm not a huge believer in statistics, but I do trust his opinion. He also suggests a hysteroscopy to correct my uterine septum. It's not a "fix-it" surgery, but it will help the implantation environment. There is also a higher rate of miscarriage with a uterine septum so having the hysteroscopy would bring down my risk. Again, I think statistics are kind of BS- but I'll do whatever I can to help this process.

DH and I have a lot to talk about and consider, but at least we have options at this point. I think we will probably start with the hysteroscopy. Of course that means more WAITING, because I won't be able to get the surgery until early June. Then we have to wait for me to start another cycle before doing more treatments. ::sigh:: I'll do my best to be patient. I guess I have no choice.

Dear Easter, you sucked.

I can't do holidays anymore, at least not with my in-laws (as of now- my family has no kids). Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I just couldn't STAND arriving at my in-laws, just DH and I (as it's been for the past 8 years) and watching my nieces and nephews hunt eggs and celebrate. DH usually runs around and plays with the kids, acting like a kid himself. This used to make me smile. Now it just makes me angry and sad that he may never get to do that with our kids. I had to fight back tears so many times yesterday. I just kept willing time to pass so I could go home. I HATE that infertility has turned me into this person. I'm just a mess of feelings. Each holiday or birthday just reminds me of how we are no closer to having a family.

I had a slight meltdown last Tuesday because of a conversation I had with my mom. I feel a little guilty blogging about it because my mom is wonderful and supportive and I'm VERY lucky to have her. I'm going to write about it anyway with the preface that my mom is great and no one can say anything bad about her. The conversation started with her telling me that my mother-in-law (MIL) said "she still has all her parts and she'd gladly carry a baby for us." My mom told me she thought that was sweet. I said I already feel inadequate enough, and when people offer up themselves that way it just makes me feel worse. I know they mean well. I'm very lucky to have a great MIL who is also very supportive. But just imagining my mom and MIL talking about how they would carry a baby for DH and I made me soooo angry. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILD. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. Also, there is a lot more to having a child than a uterus. I don't even know if I have a problem carrying a baby, at this point we just have a problem making one. So I was trying to explain to my mom that DH and I are dealing with a lot of feelings right now and we don't want solutions. We are still trying to process the fact that we may not be able to have biological children. This is a huge loss for us. We are angry, hurt, sad, etc. So my mom said she and MIL are hurting for us so much and this is a loss for them too. Again, I got angry. I'm sure it is very hard for them to see us hurting. But I told my mom- you and MIL have us. And other kids. You got to watch your children grow up and see if they looked like you or their dad. DH and I may never get to do that.

Like I said, I almost hate blogging about this because my mom and MIL love us and they just want things to work out. I know my mom wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She would never intentionally do that. It's just that she can never truly "get it" because she hasn't been through this. This is our own private hell, and no matter how much my mom and MIL hurt for us or love us they can't fix it. I hope I'm not coming off like I don't want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through IF. It's not that. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family. It's just that I don't want people to offer me solutions to something they haven't been through.

I'm pissed that IF has made me such a touchy, vulnerable person. I'm pissed that I got upset with my mom over a simple comment because IF has made me that sensitive. I'm pissed that I can't enjoy a family get together with the in-laws because of IF. IF completely changes who you are and how you see the world and your future. It's bullshit, really. As I said before-- I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.

No big surprise

IUI #1 was a big fat fail. I knew it was coming. I feel stupid even admitting this, but a teeny teeny tiny part of me (like .000001%) thought maybe there would be a miracle. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky bitches who beats the odds. Stupid, right? But it's confirmed. Negative. Oh, and the nurse read my RE's note on my chart out loud to me. It said, "Meet to discuss IVF or donor eggs." Here's what the magic 8 ball says:

DH and I have an appointment on May 5. So now I'm back to waiting again. What the hell, it's been almost 2 years so what's another month?? I've been doing some research on FSH. Mine was 6.9 on day 3 which is normal, but it was 21 on day 10. That is *very* high. However, my AMH was what they consider normal (1.4). It's perplexing. So while I seem to have enough eggs, the FSH indicates that they all suck. Even with IVF I may not respond to the drugs. A lot of my research also said that many clinics won't treat women with such high FSH. So there's a possibility that my RE could turn me away because I suck that bad.
So right now:

I'm trying to be honest with myself about the fact that DH and I may not be able to have biological children. That is a very real possibility, and it pisses me off more than anything. I'm also freaking out about spending thousands on IVF, only to have it fail and we have to turn to adoption, which is also thousands. I got on a couple of adoption websites and there were all these pictures smiling couples waiting for a baby. IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMILING COUPLE ON AN ADOPTION WEBSITE. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I'VE FAILED MY HUSBAND, MYSELF, AND MY FAMILY. I may never be able to say the words "I'm pregnant" again.

Mostly, I'm just tired. Tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying, tired of everything. I don't want to be on the roller coaster anymore.

We won!

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their vasectomy campaign! Thank you to anyone who wrote to PETA or signed the petition.

Dear PETA

Are you fucking serious???? A friend in my support group linked this blog post to us. Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (a GREAT infertility blog) wrote an open letter to PETA about their vasectomy campaign. Yes, you read that right. VASECTOMY campaign. National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-30. Many of my readers suffer from infertility, so I hope you're as outraged as I am by PETA's campaign. To HONOR (yes, HONOR) National Infertility Awareness Week, PETA is offering a free vasectomy to one lucky man who has recently had his dog or cat spayed or neutered.  He can be "reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend."

From PETA: Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...

I LOVE animals. My dog is everything to me, and I got her spayed as soon as she was old enough. Animal overpopulation is a big problem in the US and I believe in being responsible and NOT breeding your pet. There are so many pets who need homes. I'm also a teacher, and I've seen my fair share of children whose parents don't give a crap about them. That DOES NOT in ANY way (yes, I am shouting) mean that infertility is justified because there are too many children in the world. Everyone deserves the chance to have their own biological children. EVERYONE. Yes, there are many children who don't have good homes. But it's not like you can go to a shelter and pick one out. I don't mean that to sound flippant but people say "Oh, you can adopt" like it's so easy. THOUSANDS of dollars, tons of paperwork, home visits, etc. are part of the process to adopt a child. IT IS NOT EASY. There are countless infertile couples waiting for a baby right now. So for PETA to imply that infertility is population control and that we should just take what we've been given and adopt is BULLSHIT.

If you agree, tell PETA that INFERTILITY IS NOT A JOKE by signing this petition.

A Waste

I should have just flushed my money down the toilet instead of paying for fertility treatments. DH's sperm was really good, but according to my blood work my FSH is extremely high which is an indication of premature ovarian failure. So apparently I don't have many eggs and the ones I do have suck. We did the IUI anyway (not sure why!!) but our next option is most likely IVF. I don't know if I want to do that. At this point I just want to punch and throw things. Fuck you in your fucking face universe.

It's all good... maybe too good

So I'm in the middle of my first fertility cycle. Things have gone fairly well, aside from a few "Clomid crazies." Are you afraid of the dark? Apparently Clomid convinces me I am. I've been waking up at night sweating and thinking that someone or something is in the house watching me. I've also had a constant feeling of anxiety during the day. I took my last dose Monday so things have subsided a little, plus I've been drugging myself up with Ambien at night.

Today was my SHG (sonohystogram), which is a test to give the doctor information about my uterus, tubes, and ovaries. A catheter is inserted and saline is squirted into the catheter so the doctor can the shape of my uterus and if fluid flows through my tubes. My right tube and right ovary looked great and had a good size follie. My left tube looked okay; the saline didn't flow as freely and the follie was smaller. I was sooo nervous about this test being painful and it was pretty similar to a pap smear. I had some mild cramping but nothing I couldn't handle. I've always had this belief that I am a wimp, but last night I was thinking about all the procedures I've had done, and I'm pretty proud of myself. I've had a cavity drilled and filled with no anesthetic, I've had Lasik (not painful but scary was hell), I had a EMG in my neck where a doctor repeated shoved a needle into my muscle, I've had a chunk of skin removed from my thigh for a biopsy (those tiny shots at the dermatologist are more painful than any other shot!), I've had multiple surgeries, and I've survived all of them (most of them alone) without incident. So maybe I'm not such a wimp after all.

So tonight I trigger, which means DH will give me an HCG shot that will induce ovulation. He is not excited about that, but he doesn't have a choice. Then tonight we have sex just to be on the safe side, and Friday morning DH goes in at 7:30 am to give his semen, and I come in at 10 a.m. for the IUI. This is when I start to think things are going too well. I'm on Spring Break this week so I haven't had to take off work. I've been free for any appointment needed. DH mentioned that he hoped our IUI would be on Friday because he is already going in late to work because of another appointment. I haven't had any cysts, the test wasn't painful, and my lining and everything looked good. It just seems too easy. I'm afraid we will pay for it in a couple of weeks when the pregnancy test is negative. I'm trying to be an optimist.... but it's difficult given the heartbreak of our TTC journey. I know I can't control the outcome by my feelings, so I guess I'll just try to be positive and wait and see. This will be the longest two week wait ever.

Here goes nothing...

It's CD3, so this morning I went in for my first appointment for the Clomid challenge. I had some blood work done and a date with the dildo cam. I don't have any large cysts, so as long as my blood work comes back okay I should be clear to start Clomid on Thursday. I feel strangely excited about this whole process, I think because we are finally doing something other than just timed intercourse (which gets VERY old). I'm not excited about the drugs or the expenses, but at least we are moving forward and will hopefully get some answers. Next week I will go in for some more blood work and another date with dildo to see if I have follicles large enough to trigger ovulation. If everything goes according to plan, we should be able to do IUI around the first of April. I hate to say it, but DH was right when he said we should wait another month before starting all this. I am in a much better place mentally (and physically!) now. I still have a little itching from time to time but it's nothing like it was. I've been able to have sex that doesn't involve burning, itching, and crying. I actually feel well--which is so nice. I attribute most of it to acupuncture, and some to the nice weather we've been having. Spring always puts me in a better mood (I think I have SAD). Also, most of my appointments will be next week, and I'm on Spring Break so I don't have to take sick time. I'm fortunate enough to have plenty of sick time to use, but I just hate being away from my students. Plus if we have to do more involved treatments such as IVF I may need that time. Who knows, maybe this will work and the universe will actually do something right for a change. I guess we'll wait and see.
Wow, look at me being an optimist....

My Heart Hurts

I hate that miscarriage and infertility has affected so many people I know and love. It's not fair. My heart hurts for you, friends. Fvck miscarriage. Fvck infertility.

I've never met you, but... (warning-- sappy post below)

I was listening to the radio the other day and I heard the new Rascal Flatts song called "I Won't Let Go." The lyrics brought tears to my eyes because they made me think of my Internet support group. My journey to have a baby has been such a huge roller coaster that I can't get off. I am so thankful to have a group of ladies to talk to who've had similar experiences. I don't know any of them in real life, yet I feel like they're some of my closest friends. I am very fortunate to have great friends IRL who have been incredibly supportive and loving, but they can't give me the same kind of support my Internet friends can. My Internet friends get it. They feel my pain. I hope I'm not offending any of my IRL friends who read this blog, because I love you all SO much and I don't know what I'd do without you either. I read somewhere once that infertility is as stressful as cancer. If you had cancer, you'd want to talk to other cancer patients, right? Some people might think I'm crazy or that's it's not healthy to be so involved with people on the computer. How can you be such good friends with people you've never met? I don't know, it just happened. They get me, they know me, and I'm so lucky to have them. I don't know where I'd be without them.


This is my first attempt at using playlist and it doesn't look quite right, but you can still listen. Enjoy!

Some relief

I met with a new acupuncturist this week. He's an MD and does it at his practice. I really like him. I felt like he took the time to listen to my issues and took me seriously. I went in Monday for an informational appointment and filled out some paperwork and on Wednesday I went for the actual treatment. He was very thorough and I could tell he read over my paperwork and was familiar with my issues. I did acupuncture for about a six weeks a year ago, mostly for anxiety. I felt that it helped and worked, but it just got to the point where I couldn't spend any more money on it. This new doctor is half of what the other place charged. He also looked over my tongue, checked my pulse, and explained his placements. The other place seemed to just quickly stick in needles and leave me to "destress" for 20-30 minutes. He didn't use electro acupuncture like I had before, just needles. He said he will try a variety of things and I'm to call him in three days to let him know how I feel so he can adjust for the next time. I just feel like he's really focused on me and I didn't feel that at the old place. They always seemed to be in a hurry there. He did some cupping on my back, which felt strange but at least I knew it wouldn't sting. The needles don't really hurt when they go in, but there are a few places that are tender and hurt for a second (inside of wrist and sides of feet!). I slept fairly well last night and generally feel better so I'm looking forward to my next treatment on Monday. I will go weekly for five weeks.

In vag news- I've felt soooo much better this cycle. I think using the Instead cups and then organic pads helped a ton. I've had some itchiness, but nothing near the misery I felt a few weeks ago. The doctor doing my acupuncture also has me taking oatmeal and vitamin E baths to soothe my skin. I am so thankful to finally have some relief. Physically feeling like crap doesn't help the emotional roller coaster I've been on since our journey to have a baby began.

As I said, I'm so thankful I feel better, but I hurt for the ladies in my group. Failed IVF cycles have left two of my friends heartbroken, a pregnant friend found out that there are serious problems with both of her twins, and another had her fifth miscarriage. I wish I could take all your pain away, friends. It's just not fair, and it's not RIGHT. I don't get why such bad things happen to good people. Sending love to you all. <3 <3

Some funny videos

I found these while commenting on other blogs for ICLW. Thanks to Uncommon Nonsense for sharing!

This one is great too.

It's never gonna happen

Since I've been posting a lot this week, I thought I would post how I feel today. It's never gonna happen. Yes, I realize gonna isn't a real word. I just feel like I'm never gonna be pregnant. It's just not going to happen. And I hope you're NOT thinking, "Have you thought about adoption?" because everyone, I mean everyone deserves the chance to have biological children. Yes, I've thought about adoption. I've thought about paying over $10,000 for a child whose mother could possibly come back and take him/her. I want to try to have my own biological children before I consider adoption. Yes, there are plenty of children in the world who need good homes, but it's not like I can go to a shelter and pick one out. I would have to go through paperwork and home studies. I must fill out paperwork to tell a social worker what I will do if my child misbehaves. Yes, because every parent has to plan ahead to write that out. Yeah, I'm sure the crack whore on the street thought about her discipline style and wrote it out before she got pregnant. I'm sure she had her house inspected by a social worker too. It's not fair. I'm not saying I won't consider adoption; my cousin Michael is adopted and I adore him. I'm just saying-- don't suggest that to someone with IF. Especially if they're feeling how I feel today. IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I'M A REPRODUCTIVE FAILURE.

Umm.. I take back everything I said yesterday

Today I had major issues with my Instead cup. It came loose and started leaking, which ended with me in the bathroom at school spending 10 minutes trying to get it out. I was tense because I could hear kids roaming the halls and our bathrooms don't have much privacy... and here I was reaching inside myself. I was panicked. It was horrible. So I made a trip to the health store this afternoon and bought some organic pads. I may try the cup again- or try the Diva cup because I read it's easier to get out. I don't know. At this point I'm afraid to stick anything up there. Good news though-- tomorrow is Friday!!

My Instead Cup Review (Warning- TMI)

Thank you for all the nice comments yesterday. I'm having a much better day today. AF arrived this morning so I tried Instead Cups for the first time. Click here to read more about them. It is basically a disposable cup that you insert inside your vagina, up against your cervix. It collects the menstrual blood. It sounds gross, I know. But after doing so much research on my stupid vulva inflammation I realized they were my best option. I had no problem at all getting it in this morning. It looks huge but once you fold the ring it's easy to insert. I had to remove the first one because it felt wrong so I threw it out and tried again. The second one seemed comfortable so I checked for leaks. None. I wore it the entire day at work and had NO leaks. Not even when I used the bathroom. I started to panic a little this afternoon because I was imagining this cup inside me and I was worrying about getting it out. I couldn't feel it at all though! You can wear the cup for 12 hours, but I decided to take it out when I got home this afternoon to make sure I could get it out. That was the hard part. I could feel the ring but it was so slippery I had a hard time grabbing it. Then I started to panic, which is the WORST thing you can do because your muscles tense. It took about 5 minutes of feeling around and figuring out how to grab it before I finally got it out. It was very messy. I haven't put another one in because I was freaking out about getting it out again, but I've been wearing a pad for the last 2 hours and I'm already feeling itchy. I plan to put one in tonight and then another one tomorrow for work. I just have to remind myself that it won't get "lost" and this is the best thing for me. I think with practice it will get easier. I don't want an itchy vag for the next 2 weeks because I'm irritated from pads! If this cycle goes well, I may invest in the Diva cup (click here for more info) which is similar but reusable. So while my Instead cup experience wasn't perfect, I do think the pros outweigh the cons and I will definitely continue to use them!

In a bad place

I had such a good weekend in Tennessee that it's a shock to be back to reality. This is going to be a big downer post. I just feel so terrible right now. I'm struggling with so many emotions. I feel:

Frustrated- that we haven't been able to get pregnant again on our own. Yet every time I turn around someone else is pregnant.
Guilty- because I feel like I'm not being a good wife. I'm just such a mess. Also because my students deserve a teacher who can give them 100% and doesn't have so many issues.
Angry- that we have to spend $$ on fertility and that I have another health issue on top of everything else.
Sad- that my life revolves around an imaginary pregnancy.
Scared-because my future is so uncertain. That it will never happen for us.
Stupid- that I still hope to get "accidentally" KU.
Envious- of anyone with a family.
Embarrassed- that we're having trouble getting pregnant. I'm a woman, this is what I'm supposed to do, right?

Mostly, I just feel BAD. And I'm tired of feeling bad.

My First ICLW

Welcome anyone who's visiting my blog for ICLW. The timeline link at the top will help you learn more about me. The short version: miscarriage, infertility, endometriosis, and currently dealing with a condition called vulvar vestibulitis that is really affecting my emotional well-being...like loss and infertility don't do that enough. Welcome!

Broken

Well, my vag is broken. I saw the urologist this week and was finally given a true diagnosis: Vulvar Vestibulitis. Basically the skin on my lady parts is inflamed. It can be caused by chronic infections and stress, though the actual cause is unknown. Thank you job and TTC. Oh, and the best part-- it may NEVER go away. I noticed several months ago that I had trouble using tampons. They made me extremely uncomfortable, so I switched to pads. Around that time (last May) I had a bacterial and yeast infection. I used to get yeast infections every time I would take an antibiotic. In October I had a UTI, bacterial, and yeast infection. So here I am today with a condition that I may have forever. I may not be able to have comfortable sex again. I'm so upset by all of this and I know my emotions are making things worse. I've had a pretty crappy week. Here are some highlights:

• I got so frustrated in a work meeting that I ran out of the room crying.
• My car wouldn't run properly (the same day I left the meeting and just wanted to go home). I had to rely on a friend to take me to work. The good news was that the repairs were covered by warranty.
• My stupid vag was itching and burning so bad I had to put ice on it each night.
• I had to spend all day Friday in a stupid meeting out of my classroom.
• I spent all morning Tuesday on the phone with my insurance company to see if my blood work is covered. All but one test is. Compunet told me the one test would cost $1600. Needless to say I had a major freak out. I found out later from the RE nurse that they can do the test in the RE's office for $600. Phew.
• I found out my lady parts truly do suck from the urologist.
• Shorty got bit by something on Tuesday and her face swelled up. I had to rush her to the vet. Luckily they gave her a shot and she is just fine now.

I could probably keep going, but I hate being one of those people who whines and complains all the time. I am thankful for my husband, my dog, my family, and all the blessings I have. I just wish all this crap didn't happen at once!

DH and I have decided to wait another cycle before beginning the IUI and other treatments. He goes back to the urologist next week to give another sample so we want to wait and see if it improved (although we will still probably have to do IUI because I suck). I'm also going to try to find a cheaper place to do acupuncture and see if that will help with my stress and vestibulitis. I'm just tired of feeling like crap. It's such a cycle. If I weren't so stressed at work, I wouldn't feel like crap. If I didn't feel like crap, I wouldn't be so stressed at work, etc.

Oh, and I read that pads and tampons are bad for vestibulitis. So I guess I'm going to try the Diva cup or Instead cups. I switched to Always pads last May and everything I've been reading about vestibulitis says Always = BAD. If anyone has any tips about the cups I'd appreciate it.

This weekend I'm going to Gatlinburg with my mom and grandma. We are going to stay with my aunt. I get to bring Shorty too! The bad part is last year we took a trip just like this during MLK, Jr. weekend. I was pregnant. Stupidly I let them buy me maternity clothes that I may never wear. Then we left early on Monday because I had an ultrasound. That was the day we found out the baby was dead. Despite that, I hope to have a great weekend.