Some funny videos

I found these while commenting on other blogs for ICLW. Thanks to Uncommon Nonsense for sharing!

This one is great too.

It's never gonna happen

Since I've been posting a lot this week, I thought I would post how I feel today. It's never gonna happen. Yes, I realize gonna isn't a real word. I just feel like I'm never gonna be pregnant. It's just not going to happen. And I hope you're NOT thinking, "Have you thought about adoption?" because everyone, I mean everyone deserves the chance to have biological children. Yes, I've thought about adoption. I've thought about paying over $10,000 for a child whose mother could possibly come back and take him/her. I want to try to have my own biological children before I consider adoption. Yes, there are plenty of children in the world who need good homes, but it's not like I can go to a shelter and pick one out. I would have to go through paperwork and home studies. I must fill out paperwork to tell a social worker what I will do if my child misbehaves. Yes, because every parent has to plan ahead to write that out. Yeah, I'm sure the crack whore on the street thought about her discipline style and wrote it out before she got pregnant. I'm sure she had her house inspected by a social worker too. It's not fair. I'm not saying I won't consider adoption; my cousin Michael is adopted and I adore him. I'm just saying-- don't suggest that to someone with IF. Especially if they're feeling how I feel today. IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I'M A REPRODUCTIVE FAILURE.

Umm.. I take back everything I said yesterday

Today I had major issues with my Instead cup. It came loose and started leaking, which ended with me in the bathroom at school spending 10 minutes trying to get it out. I was tense because I could hear kids roaming the halls and our bathrooms don't have much privacy... and here I was reaching inside myself. I was panicked. It was horrible. So I made a trip to the health store this afternoon and bought some organic pads. I may try the cup again- or try the Diva cup because I read it's easier to get out. I don't know. At this point I'm afraid to stick anything up there. Good news though-- tomorrow is Friday!!

My Instead Cup Review (Warning- TMI)

Thank you for all the nice comments yesterday. I'm having a much better day today. AF arrived this morning so I tried Instead Cups for the first time. Click here to read more about them. It is basically a disposable cup that you insert inside your vagina, up against your cervix. It collects the menstrual blood. It sounds gross, I know. But after doing so much research on my stupid vulva inflammation I realized they were my best option. I had no problem at all getting it in this morning. It looks huge but once you fold the ring it's easy to insert. I had to remove the first one because it felt wrong so I threw it out and tried again. The second one seemed comfortable so I checked for leaks. None. I wore it the entire day at work and had NO leaks. Not even when I used the bathroom. I started to panic a little this afternoon because I was imagining this cup inside me and I was worrying about getting it out. I couldn't feel it at all though! You can wear the cup for 12 hours, but I decided to take it out when I got home this afternoon to make sure I could get it out. That was the hard part. I could feel the ring but it was so slippery I had a hard time grabbing it. Then I started to panic, which is the WORST thing you can do because your muscles tense. It took about 5 minutes of feeling around and figuring out how to grab it before I finally got it out. It was very messy. I haven't put another one in because I was freaking out about getting it out again, but I've been wearing a pad for the last 2 hours and I'm already feeling itchy. I plan to put one in tonight and then another one tomorrow for work. I just have to remind myself that it won't get "lost" and this is the best thing for me. I think with practice it will get easier. I don't want an itchy vag for the next 2 weeks because I'm irritated from pads! If this cycle goes well, I may invest in the Diva cup (click here for more info) which is similar but reusable. So while my Instead cup experience wasn't perfect, I do think the pros outweigh the cons and I will definitely continue to use them!

In a bad place

I had such a good weekend in Tennessee that it's a shock to be back to reality. This is going to be a big downer post. I just feel so terrible right now. I'm struggling with so many emotions. I feel:

Frustrated- that we haven't been able to get pregnant again on our own. Yet every time I turn around someone else is pregnant.
Guilty- because I feel like I'm not being a good wife. I'm just such a mess. Also because my students deserve a teacher who can give them 100% and doesn't have so many issues.
Angry- that we have to spend $$ on fertility and that I have another health issue on top of everything else.
Sad- that my life revolves around an imaginary pregnancy.
Scared-because my future is so uncertain. That it will never happen for us.
Stupid- that I still hope to get "accidentally" KU.
Envious- of anyone with a family.
Embarrassed- that we're having trouble getting pregnant. I'm a woman, this is what I'm supposed to do, right?

Mostly, I just feel BAD. And I'm tired of feeling bad.

My First ICLW

Welcome anyone who's visiting my blog for ICLW. The timeline link at the top will help you learn more about me. The short version: miscarriage, infertility, endometriosis, and currently dealing with a condition called vulvar vestibulitis that is really affecting my emotional well-being...like loss and infertility don't do that enough. Welcome!

Broken

Well, my vag is broken. I saw the urologist this week and was finally given a true diagnosis: Vulvar Vestibulitis. Basically the skin on my lady parts is inflamed. It can be caused by chronic infections and stress, though the actual cause is unknown. Thank you job and TTC. Oh, and the best part-- it may NEVER go away. I noticed several months ago that I had trouble using tampons. They made me extremely uncomfortable, so I switched to pads. Around that time (last May) I had a bacterial and yeast infection. I used to get yeast infections every time I would take an antibiotic. In October I had a UTI, bacterial, and yeast infection. So here I am today with a condition that I may have forever. I may not be able to have comfortable sex again. I'm so upset by all of this and I know my emotions are making things worse. I've had a pretty crappy week. Here are some highlights:

• I got so frustrated in a work meeting that I ran out of the room crying.
• My car wouldn't run properly (the same day I left the meeting and just wanted to go home). I had to rely on a friend to take me to work. The good news was that the repairs were covered by warranty.
• My stupid vag was itching and burning so bad I had to put ice on it each night.
• I had to spend all day Friday in a stupid meeting out of my classroom.
• I spent all morning Tuesday on the phone with my insurance company to see if my blood work is covered. All but one test is. Compunet told me the one test would cost $1600. Needless to say I had a major freak out. I found out later from the RE nurse that they can do the test in the RE's office for $600. Phew.
• I found out my lady parts truly do suck from the urologist.
• Shorty got bit by something on Tuesday and her face swelled up. I had to rush her to the vet. Luckily they gave her a shot and she is just fine now.

I could probably keep going, but I hate being one of those people who whines and complains all the time. I am thankful for my husband, my dog, my family, and all the blessings I have. I just wish all this crap didn't happen at once!

DH and I have decided to wait another cycle before beginning the IUI and other treatments. He goes back to the urologist next week to give another sample so we want to wait and see if it improved (although we will still probably have to do IUI because I suck). I'm also going to try to find a cheaper place to do acupuncture and see if that will help with my stress and vestibulitis. I'm just tired of feeling like crap. It's such a cycle. If I weren't so stressed at work, I wouldn't feel like crap. If I didn't feel like crap, I wouldn't be so stressed at work, etc.

Oh, and I read that pads and tampons are bad for vestibulitis. So I guess I'm going to try the Diva cup or Instead cups. I switched to Always pads last May and everything I've been reading about vestibulitis says Always = BAD. If anyone has any tips about the cups I'd appreciate it.

This weekend I'm going to Gatlinburg with my mom and grandma. We are going to stay with my aunt. I get to bring Shorty too! The bad part is last year we took a trip just like this during MLK, Jr. weekend. I was pregnant. Stupidly I let them buy me maternity clothes that I may never wear. Then we left early on Monday because I had an ultrasound. That was the day we found out the baby was dead. Despite that, I hope to have a great weekend.

RE Appointment Update

Extremely overwhelmed. This is how I felt after my RE appointment yesterday. I spent the rest of my day in a fog wondering how I got to this point. How is this my life? Today I'm able to see things more clearly and actually write, although I can't remember it all. I read in a magazine once that patients forget 50% of what a doctor tells them. I'm going to do my best, so here goes. I was there for nearly 2 hours and I really like the RE and the nurses I dealt with. The first part of the appointment was spent with the doctor in his office going over my medical history and all of my issues. He seems to think my endometriosis is playing a significant role in why I haven't gotten pregnant again. Also, I may not ovulate quality eggs because my luteal phase and my cycles seem to vary so much. He mentioned that on my D&C report and a transcript from another surgery that my OB noted my lining was especially thin. Hmm... she never mentioned that to me. She also noted I may have a uterine septum (a band of tissue in the middle of the uterus) and that my uterus is extremely tilted to one side. I never heard any of that from her either. A thin lining could prevent implantation. A uterine septum could cause miscarriage. A tilted uterus most often isn't a problem but it could hinder the sperm from reaching the egg. Obviously I will never know what caused my miscarriage, but I am extremely frustrated that these things were in plain sight on my medical records and my OB never mentioned them. ::sigh:: At this point though, all I can do is move forward. The RE went over DH's sperm analysis. He has plenty of sperm and the motility is good, but the percentage of normal sperm is a little low. Not alarmingly low, just a little. Hopefully all the vitamins he's been taking will help. But with my ovulation issues and DH's low quality sperm the RE basically said our chances of conceiving on our own are about 1%. I am not a huge fan of statistics and percentages, but that's what he said. Kinda sucks.

We discussed my issues over the last few months with itching and burning. He thinks I may have interstitial cystitis (IC), which is inflammation of the bladder wall. Supposedly it's very common in patients with endometriosis. He gave me a prescription to try and recommended the IC diet. The diet does not sound like fun at all, very bland-- but having an itching, burning vag most of the time isn't much fun either. I don't enjoy having to walk like I spent all day riding a horse. I have some more research I need to do on it before I start the diet. Eczema isn't completely ruled out and there is a test he can do called a cystoscopy for IC, but at this point I want to try the diet and prescription.

So now the plan. Starting with my next cycle I begin the Clomid challenge. I will be monitored throughout by ultrasound and blood work (CD3 and CD10). I will do a shot of Ovidrel around CD12 and also a booster on CD16, which should help my lining. I will have a hysterosonogram done sometime between CD6-12 to determine if I have a uterine septum and where the fibroids are my OB found during my last surgery. We will probably end up doing IUI on CD14, depending on how I respond. The RE thinks I will have better chances with injectables rather than Clomid so if I don't get pregnant the first cycle I may move on. The IUI and procedure estimates ended up being cheaper than I thought, but still an injectable cycle is going to be twice as much because the meds are just so much more expensive. The IUI itself really isn't that costly. Stupid drugs. I love that I have to pay to have a baby. And it might not even work.

I was a little worried about DH's reaction to the cost of everything. I've warned him several times that this is going to be expensive, and he was so shocked about having to pay $150 for a urologist consultation that I figured he would freak out when I showed him all the paperwork at dinner last night.

Him: "Why didn't you tell me you were so screwed up when I married you?" If you know my DH at all, you know this is a joke and actually a good reaction.
Me: "Well, you're not perfect either."
Him: "I guess not."      ::continues eating::

So, here we go!!

The Best Thing to Happen to my Marriage

was loss and infertility. DH and I had a fight a couple of weeks ago. It was over something completely stupid, but we didn't speak to each other the whole night. The next day we made up and got over it and I started to think back. It had been a long, long time since we had a fight. We used to do the immature not speaking to each other thing at least once a month. It was always over silly things, but we still did it. Thinking back, I can't remember the last time this happened besides our recent fight. The first few days after my D&C last year I woke up crying and spent my days on the couch not speaking to anyone. I expected DH to tell me to get up and treat our loss as if it wasn't a big deal. But he didn't. He brought home dinner each night and sat on the couch with me while we watched TV (he normally sticks to his recliner). He supported me through my grief, attending therapy with me and even reading a book about how husbands deal with miscarriage. Throughout the past year and our struggles to get pregnant again I sometimes forget that he's in this with me. It's not just me who suffers. I was counting the months since we started TTC to fill out my RE paperwork and before I could even finish he said, "it's been a year and a half." Oh yeah, he's been trying with me. He wants a baby too. I hate those stupid sayings about everything happening for a reason or good things coming from bad experiences, but I will say this. This journey has been horrible and awful-- but I love my husband more than I've ever loved him, or ever thought I would. Loss and infertility have given us a stronger, better marriage. I'm betting that's the only good thing we'll get from this. Oh yeah, and Shorty.

In other news, RE appointment is on Monday!