I think I can.. I think I can...

Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandma's house. I remember she had a copy of The Little Engine That Could and I loved reading it. When I began teaching I made sure to have a copy of it in my classroom. I remember watching the little train huff and puff and say "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." and finally make it up the big hill. I felt so proud of him. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that hill.

I had our second call with our adoption consultant, N, yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how people navigate the adoption process on their own. She has been such a huge help and she truly knows what she's doing. I would be so overwhelmed and lost without her. I spent the last 2-3 weeks working on our profile, which I thought turned out pretty well. I sent it to N last week so she could look it over and comment. She said many great things about it, but there is a lot I need to rewrite. I need to be more specific and change my language to appeal to birth mothers. Again, I'm so thankful for N because many of the things she pointed out I never would have thought of. For example, I put a picture of my nephew holding Shorty (our dog) and said she likes when he comes over to play. To me, it was obvious I was trying to say that Shorty is gentle with kids and will be gentle with ours. N said tell a specific story about how our nephew was playing with Shorty and Shorty was gentle, then end it by saying, "Shorty would love to play and be gentle with your child." Your child. Those words I must repeat over and over in the profile. I thought it would bother me to write or say it, but it really doesn't. It is her child and will be in some way forever and I need to respect and acknowledge that.

N works out of Florida and the agencies she recommended are either there or in Utah. Utah law is very adoption friendly- the birth mother can sign over consent 24 hours after the birth and it is immediately irrevocable. Don't believe the stories people tell you about birth mothers coming back for their babies. It does happen, but it's rare and most states have laws that protect the adoptive parents. A birth mother would have to prove she was either coerced or that the adoption wasn't carried out legally. The media has blown stories like this way out of proportion. Remember that book and movie, Losing Isaiah? I read and watched both. It was a private adoption and it was carried out illegally. Again, I'm so thankful for N because she works with these agencies regularly and knows they are professional and legal.

Now, let's about discount babies. I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone. It truly boggles my mind. DH and I decided we are very open to mixed races. All our nieces and nephews are biracial. DH's sister has a son who is African American and Caucasian, and DH's brother's wife is from Panama so his kids are South American (not sure if that's the right term) and Caucasian. I never thought about it before we decided on adoption, but if DH and I had a bio child it would be the only Caucasian grandchild in the family at this point! N was going through the list of agencies she gave me and many have a flat fee for Caucasian or Hispanic and a lower fee for biracial. Also, many wave their application fees if you are open to other races. N explained that there are many factors that go into it and many times a birth mother who is pregnant with a biracial child comes to the agency later and has less expenses, the state subsidizes some adoptions from other races, etc. I still don't get it. Why wouldn't anyone want those kids just as much as a Caucasian one? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people don't want society to immediately know their child is adopted. I realize that there are people who will make comments if DH and I have a child from another race. But there are stupid people everywhere who will make comments regardless of the situation. We are open to other races because we will love a child no matter what, not because it will be cheaper and/or less likely to fall through. Again, I hope I'm not offending anyone because I can see how this would be a heated issue.

So back to my title. I contacted the agency N wants us to use for our home study (we have to use an Ohio agency for this) and I'm (im)patiently waiting for a call back. I looked over their website and found the list of required documents to complete the home study. WOW. This is where I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge hill and I'm not sure if I'll make it to the top or back down. And it could take up to 2 months to complete. Ugh. Don't they know I wanted a baby like, forever ago????

I hope someday I can read The Little Engine That Could to my child and tell the story of how much I wanted him or her and how proud I am to be a mom.

"You must give up the life you've planned in order to have the life that's waiting for you."

I'm a sucker for song lyrics and quotes. I heard that quote on a TV show the other day, and it just fits so perfectly with my current situation that it stuck with me. I am giving up my dream of having biological kids with DH and that does sting (even if it's not forever.) But our adoption decision just feels so right. So right that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I know, I'm ruining my reputation as a bitter IF bitch, but I can't help it. There is a little baby out there waiting for us, and even though I can't carry him or her inside me, he or she will still be ours. Maybe part of my joy is the fact that I'm off work and not stressed right now. Who knows, but I'm going to take this happiness any way it comes. There's another song I've been listening to lately that has great lyrics. It's called "Stronger" by Sara Evans. It is about getting over an ex, but to me it feels like it's about letting go of the stupid bitch named Infertility and not letting her control my life anymore. It's the last part that really gets to me. IF and loss have changed me so much, but I've come out a better person with a stronger marriage. So take that IF, you bitch!

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Updates

I've been slacking lately on my blogging. I have no excuse now because school is out. I've officially been off for a week now and it's great! Some updates on life lately:

On June 9 I had surgery to fix my uterine septum. I started to question whether I should still have it since we aren't TTC, but since we haven't completely ruled it out for the future I figured it's worth it. Things went really well. My septum was actually a lot larger than my RE thought, and he was able to repair it. He estimates that my uterus now has 25% more surface area. When you think about a baby attaching that seems like a lot more space. It is possible that my first loss was due to attachment in a spot with poor blood supply. Of course it could have also been a crappy egg, because even though my uterus now looks better, I still have high FSH and slightly low AMH. Those things can't be fixed. So while this surgery does make things better for the future, we are still not pursuing fertility treatments.

We had our first call with the adoption consultant. I am SO glad we decided to use her. I feel so comfortable knowing there is someone on our side who will help us navigate through this difficult process. DH and I first had to listen to a 3 1/2 hour recording to get some general info and come up with any questions before the first call. A lot of the information I had already read in books, but it was good for DH to hear it. It eased a lot of our fears about open adoptions and about finalizing (the birth mother CANNOT come take her baby back!)  She gave me some great ideas about what to put in our profile so I have been working hard on it. I need to complete it by June 23, then on June 27 we have our second call with her and we will get started with our homestudy. So while I'm working hard on this profile, she is doing the legwork and finding agencies/attorneys that fit our budget and our plan. Like I said before, it's so wonderful to have her!

We did discover that we have to take out a loan to finance our adoption. It sucks, but we are fortunate enough to have some extra money to be able to finance it. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful we didn't spend a ton of money on failed fertility treatments. This adoption will probably end up costing us between $30-$40k. That is a lot- and it makes us very nervous- but at the same time we feel so much more comfortable knowing we will actually have a baby at the end of this. I still feel like this is the right path for us now. We are actually moving forward and I'm excited!