Who is this person?

I don't know anymore. I've become so angry, bitter, and sad. Each month when CD1 comes again I just want to hide in my house and not talk to anyone. I want to scream, cry, and break things. With each failure I get more angry, and I also hate myself more. Why is my body betraying me? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, because I just want to be at home by myself. I can't focus on my job. I don't even want to do my job anymore. I try to put on a happy face so people won't see me as the sad, infertile one. This morning I was actually shouting at God on my way to work. A couple of people said after my loss, "Oh, you'll get pregnant again, in God's time" or "God has a plan." Screw God's time and His plan. I want MY time and MY plan. I feel like I've lost my future and I'm sad that all of this has made me so self-absorbed. Reminders of babies are everywhere. This is devastating. I hate what it's turned me into and I miss who I was before.

Faces of Loss

I just submitted my story to Faces of Loss. It's a wonderful website where many women have told their story of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Check it out.

On another note, I'm writing this cycle down as a big fat fail. AF hasn't come yet, but I'm pretty sure she'll be here soon. Blah.

The plan

Well, I finally called my OB to talk about why I can't get pregnant again. We managed to do it once, so why can't we do it again? I was afraid she would just tell me to keep trying and not to worry so much. But she didn't. She sat and listened to all of my concerns and questions (I brought a list), and she was very responsive to everything. I really feel like she genuinely cares about me. She cried with me the day of my D&C, telling me the story of her miscarriage and how heartbreaking it was. I've been through a lot with her-- 2 surgeries for endometriosis, a biopsy, then a LEEP to get deep tissue, and my D&C. I'm not just a once a year patient, so I think that has helped me build a relationship with her. So the plan is for me to take 50 mg of Clomid, then get a shot of Profasi on day 13. Today is day 14, I got the shot yesterday and haven't had too many side effects from the Clomid except hot flashes and not sleeping well (but that's almost every night) But I can't stop myself from planning ahead and thinking "what are we going to do when this doesn't work?" I just have a feeling that this will never happen for us. I will never experience a bump, I will never be in a hospital delivering a healthy baby. I wish I could be more optimistic. I'm going to try.....

Hopeless

Today is CD1. I had so much hope for this cycle. I was convinced I would get pregnant. I knew I would get pregnant this time. I just had to. Nope. Of course not. I'm not sure why I even hope anymore.