Well, crap, this is a roller coaster too....

I NEVER for one minute thought building our family through adoption would be easy. In fact, I believe it will be more difficult because of all the legal aspects, possibility of a failed match, and other issues. However, I never expected our journey just to get started to be so overwhelming. I mentioned in my earlier post that I began reading Adoption for Dummies. I've since read 4 more books about adoption, and DH and I have made a complete circle. Our initial thought was to pursue domestic infant adoption. I would not mind an older child later on, but for my first I would like the infant experience. So I started researching agencies, attorneys, etc. Then DH and I had a conversation about domestic adoption (DA) and all the what-ifs and how unpredictable the timeline is. One of my adoption books has a section on your personality and how it can influence your decision to choose domestic or international. We discovered that an international adoption (IA) follows a much more specific timeline and you are a lot less likely to have a failed match. We initially ruled out international because of increased cost and travel. Then we got excited- we are such Type As- maybe international is a better choice. So I began researching all the different countries and educating myself on IA. My brother hooked me up with a wonderful woman who runs a nonprofit and had a lot of advice.

After researching different countries we became very discouraged. With IA we may be required to travel to a country more than once for up to 3-4 weeks at a time. This is just not possible with DH's job. It would be possible for me in the summer, but not during the school year. And who knows when we would receive our placement? We discovered that the wait in many countries is several years. I'm still not giving up on IA, but we determined at this point it's not for us. Maybe later on if our circumstances change.

So now we are back to our original plan- domestic infant adoption. My mom reconnected me with a couple from my hometown who adopted domestically 2 years ago. I've been emailing back and forth with the wife and she has been extremely helpful. She even sent me a copy of their "Lifebook" so I can see what goes into it. It's going to be a lot of work, so I'm glad summer is coming. This couple used a consultancy firm to help them navigate through this scary process. It is basically someone to hold our hands throughout everything until we bring our baby home. They agreed to take us on and we have our first consultation on June 6. I am so excited to get the ball rolling, but overwhelmed at how much it's going to take to get there. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

The Decision

I feel much relief and peace right now about our family. It's amazing considering how angry I've been for the past several months. DH and I have decided not to go forward with any fertility treatments at this time and to pursue adoption. We are not giving up on the possibility of a biological child, we are just choosing at this point to grow our family another way. It feels so strange because we've been on such a roller coaster since we started TTC, yet we came to this decision easily. I guess (as corny as it sounds- I don't want to ruin my reputation as a bitter IF bitch) maybe that means it's the right decision for us.

I am going to go ahead with the surgery to fix my uterine septum on June 9, as it is not a difficult surgery and I want the peace of mind if I ever do conceive again.

I've been reading Adoption for Dummies since my disappointing RE appointment back on April 1. It is a little discouraging as it goes through all the steps and requirements to adopt and the many complications that can arise. I know this isn't going to be an easy road; that's not why we chose this option. But IUIs with injectables and IVF weren't going to be easy either.

It feels so strange to be "coming out" with this decision. My heart feels lighter than it has felt in months. I know adoption is not for everyone, and I hope I will still have the wonderful support of the IF blogging community though I'm not longer pursuing fertility treatments (they are not off the table for the future). I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what I write and also to comment. It means a lot!

Our WTF appointment

So we had our appointment this morning with the RE to discuss our options. I was fully prepared for a doom and gloom scenario and for him to basically tell me how bad I suck. He really didn't. He went through all of my test results very matter-of-factly.

• My prolactin was very elevated. He had blood work from my PCP a year ago that had it at 15 (normal), when they drew it during the last cycle it was 43.
• My estrogen was 99 on day 3. Again, very high.
• My FSH was normal on day 3 (6.9), but very elevated on day 10 (21)
• My AMH was normal (1.56), but low normal (normal is 1-6)
• My LH on day 10 was 23
• I had multiple follicles on the baseline ultrasound. One matured to 30 (mm, I think)
• I have a borderline uterine septum, which could hinder implantation
• I have what he believes to be adenomyosis (inflammation) on my uterus. This can't be definitively diagnosed. It could hinder implantation, or it could not.

He said that if you look at some of my results independently, such as the FSH, it looks pretty bad. But if you look at all of the factors, with age still being the most important, there are still many options. He said with Femara, Gonal F, and IUI he gives us a 3-5% chance each cycle. A normal fertile couple only has a 20% chance to conceive each month. With IVF, he gives us a 5-15% chance. His recommendation is to try 2-3 cycles with the injectables and IUI, because if you look at the statistics 3 cycles would give us a 15% chance, and IVF gives us a 15% chance with just one attempt. Plus the cost of 3 IUI cycles would equal (or be less) than the cost of one IVF. And of course the IUI cycles are much less invasive. I'm not a huge believer in statistics, but I do trust his opinion. He also suggests a hysteroscopy to correct my uterine septum. It's not a "fix-it" surgery, but it will help the implantation environment. There is also a higher rate of miscarriage with a uterine septum so having the hysteroscopy would bring down my risk. Again, I think statistics are kind of BS- but I'll do whatever I can to help this process.

DH and I have a lot to talk about and consider, but at least we have options at this point. I think we will probably start with the hysteroscopy. Of course that means more WAITING, because I won't be able to get the surgery until early June. Then we have to wait for me to start another cycle before doing more treatments. ::sigh:: I'll do my best to be patient. I guess I have no choice.