I think I... can?

Before I begin my post- I want to ask for T&Ps for a dear friend, SM, who may suffer another miscarriage. Her scan showed some abnormalities and she's having further tests done next week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

So I've been anxiously waiting for our adoption paperwork to come. Yesterday, after another pity party filled morning (my school friends went to a waterpark without me- you know, because I couldn't possible enjoy it without kids,) I went to the mailbox to find an envelope from our agency. I also found a box full of cookies from my friend C at The Port of Indecision (love you girl!!) so it was a happy day at the mailbox. Until I opened the agency's envelope. The cookies are AMAZING, btw.

I became so OVERWHELMED and had a mini breakdown/tantrum. I knew the home study was going to be a lot of work, but I had NO IDEA. I feel like there is a huge mountain in front of me and I don't know if I'll make it to the top or other side. And just so you know I'm not kidding, let me list every requirement for you.

1. Application for child placement
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment
6. References- 5 non-relatives
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)
14. Child care class (can't wait to take that with expectant parents!)
15. Infant CPR certification
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire 
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker

So don't EVER, EVER tell anyone they can "just" adopt. That implies this process is easy. That implies that this process doesn't examine every aspect of your life. The crack whore downtown can be homeless and get KU, yet DH and I have to jump through countless hoops before we are "approved" to be parents.

I know that if I were a birth mother I would want all these things done. I get that. I also get that this is the path we're on and I might as well embrace it. I know it will be worth it, I know that. I just feel a little defeated at this point.

One of the big problems is the CPR class. DH can't get off work during the day, and he works every Saturday. So trying to find an infant or child certification class that is at night or on Sunday has been difficult for me so far. I did find one with our local FD, but they said they cancel if there aren't enough people signed up. The hospitals offer classes, but they don't certify you. So hopefully something will work out. The child care class did have a Sunday offering so that shouldn't be a problem.

So wish me luck, I guess. I'm chuggin' up the mountain....

Oh hello anger, my old friend

So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?

Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.

In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!