So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.
I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?
Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.
In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!
M, I'm so sorry you are feeling left behind. I hate it. I hate that the world works this way and that we can't all get to the same place at the same time. Waiting and watching others get what you want SUCKS and hurts. And nothing you said is even a little bit offensive, it's just true.
ReplyDeleteYou're a great friend and you are going to be a great mom. I will be so happy to cheer you on the day your dreams finally come true.
I totally feel you. Feeling left behind sucks a big giant dong, especially so in this fun little game of "Give me a fucking baby already, assholes." The assholes being, of course, whatever cosmic forces are doling out the babies, and of course they don't exist, so then we wind up with no one else to be pissed off at, so we internalize and get pissed off at ourselves for being failures. And I'm not going to try to convince you of the irrationality of that, because I've felt it many times myself. Hell, I still feel it, because even though I'm one of the ones with a toe dipped in on the "other" side, I've been in this part of the "other side" so many times that it doesn't mean anything to me at all.
ReplyDeleteI hope the wait is over soon. For all of us.
I'm so sorry, M.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am sorry. And Sloper's right: NOTHING you said is the least bit offensive.
ReplyDeleteIn a world where we've been told all of our lives that we can get what we want if we just work hard enough - this gigantic want - and a world full of people with "helpful" advice like "Relax and it'll happen when it's time" or whatever bullshit they dredge up that day - it makes *sense* that you feel the way you feel. That it becomes a success/failure feeling, even though we all know that "work" and "earn" are words that don't exist in the baby game.
I wish I had more than words for you. They feel so lame at a time like this.
I'm sorry, M. I hope things start to happen quickly.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry M. It is so tough being in this small remainder of our group, you're right. I think of you often, and I'm sending you tons of love.
ReplyDeleteOh, M, I have so much love for you. Nothing you said is offensive in the least, and you've echoed something that every one of us has felt. It's an awful feeling, the being left behind...and it can be really overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to be a mom before you know it, and you're going to knock it out of the park. Your compassion and warmth and love will give your child an amazing life and I cannot wait to hear all about it. :-)
Not offensive at all. I'm so sorry about the waiting and feeling left behind. It sucks balls :(
ReplyDeleteI had to reread this post, cause I swore I wrote it myself. I think we are on the same exact page right now. :( Thinking of you hon.
ReplyDelete