Time. Does it really heal?

As my second EDD approaches, I can't help thinking about how different things are this year. It still stings that I should have a one year old. I don't know if I will ever stop counting the years of what would've-no SHOULD'VE- been our first child. But that aching, hollow feeling isn't as strong this year. Last year my EDD fell on the day of my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I was so sad and depressed that I only attended the shower and skipped the party. How could I have fun when I should have a baby in my arms? How could I put aside the fact that every month when my period comes it feels like the world is going to end? Today, I'm angry at myself for being so consumed with my own grief that I couldn't forget it for one night (or at least pretend to) and have fun with my SIL. But you know IF, she turns you into a selfish bitch.

I don't think it's time that has healed me so much. I'm not healed. I just have a new focus, our adoption. I'm excited about the fact that despite my stupid, failure of a body, we may actually have a family soon. That bitch is still there though. For example, today I found out that our former school nurse's daughter, who had breast cancer and went through chemo, is now pregnant. She is also 40 and has two school aged kids. My first thought wasn't "oh how wonderful after all she's been through." Nope, it was "awesome, she had poison in her body and has old eggs yet she still gets KU and I don't. And she already has two kids." Yep, there's the bitch again! I've just learned to control her better.

In other news, we had our first visit with the social worker on Sunday. It went well (I think) and her next, and final, visit is on Labor Day. At that point I'm not sure how long it will take her to complete the home study, but hopefully not long. We managed to cross EVERYTHING off our list except for the 3.5 hours of online courses we need to take, which we will hopefully do this weekend. I can't believe how much we've accomplished. Oh, there is another thing though. Since I attended therapy after my miscarriage, I need to get a letter from my therapist saying why she treated me and if I'm fit to adopt. No problem, right. Well it isn't a problem, but my therapist charges $60 to write it! Oh well, it's only money. Except we've already spent close to $5000 on this and we haven't even been match yet. We also had to pay for our social worker's gas because she traveled more than 60 miles round trip. Whatever. It will be worth it. Except DH will have to work so much overtime he'll never get to see our kid.

I also went back to work Monday. I'm so excited because I got a Smartboard! I've been using an overhead projector and transparencies (hello, 1980s) for the past 7 years, so this is a big upgrade. I'm can't wait to learn all the things I'll be able to do with it. The bad part is I already want to hurt one of my coworkers and it's only been 2 days. But maybe my principal grew a pair over the summer and he'll keep her in check. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So now you're all caught up. Second EDD- still no baby- but hey, we're moving forward, right?

Kickin A$s

So last week I threw a pity party for us and whined about everything we have to do for our homestudy. School starts in 3 weeks and I need to get my classroom ready, and we will be on vacation all next week. We are also stripping and refinishing our kitchen table, which has turned out to be a much bigger project than we anticipated. I was definitely feeling the pressure to get things done. I am so proud of myself though, because I worked my ass off this week. I was able to get almost the entire table sanded (with help from DH and my grandma) and it should be ready for staining after vacation. I also got my whole classroom unpacked and organized (we have to pack up each year so they can "clean" our rooms- they never look that clean so it's just a waste of time) so all I have left at school is putting student's names on things and getting my open house packet and first week lesson plans ready. We also crossed off many things on our homestudy list:

1. Application for child placement- I didn't realize this was on our original homestudy application, so it was already done
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment- I have mine, DH still has to get his after vacation
6. References- 5 non-relatives- mailed, hopefully our references fill them out in a timely manner
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)- mine is done, DH has an appt Aug 15
14. Child care class- scheduled Aug 17
15. Infant CPR certification- scheduled Aug 18
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire- I have started this, and plan to finish in the car on vacation
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)- done!
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker- first one scheduled Aug 21

Many of the items left are just a matter of making copies. Also, our profile book is DONE! I had to revise it 4 times, but our consultant says it looks great now! So when we get back from vacation we can work on getting it printed. I will probably just go to Kinko's and then get some plastic sheet covers at an office supply store. N said not to make it too formal. I can't believe how much we've gotten done. I'm so proud of us and I hope we can relax and enjoy our vacation now! The week we get back will be so busy. I will have to finish up everything at school Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, then Wednesday night is our child care class and Thursday night is our CPR class. I also have an autism workshop all day Thursday and Friday, then the social worker comes Sunday, and school starts Monday! I guess I won't really be enjoying my last week of summer. Oh well, it will all be worth it!