Dear Easter, you sucked.

I can't do holidays anymore, at least not with my in-laws (as of now- my family has no kids). Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I just couldn't STAND arriving at my in-laws, just DH and I (as it's been for the past 8 years) and watching my nieces and nephews hunt eggs and celebrate. DH usually runs around and plays with the kids, acting like a kid himself. This used to make me smile. Now it just makes me angry and sad that he may never get to do that with our kids. I had to fight back tears so many times yesterday. I just kept willing time to pass so I could go home. I HATE that infertility has turned me into this person. I'm just a mess of feelings. Each holiday or birthday just reminds me of how we are no closer to having a family.

I had a slight meltdown last Tuesday because of a conversation I had with my mom. I feel a little guilty blogging about it because my mom is wonderful and supportive and I'm VERY lucky to have her. I'm going to write about it anyway with the preface that my mom is great and no one can say anything bad about her. The conversation started with her telling me that my mother-in-law (MIL) said "she still has all her parts and she'd gladly carry a baby for us." My mom told me she thought that was sweet. I said I already feel inadequate enough, and when people offer up themselves that way it just makes me feel worse. I know they mean well. I'm very lucky to have a great MIL who is also very supportive. But just imagining my mom and MIL talking about how they would carry a baby for DH and I made me soooo angry. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILD. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. Also, there is a lot more to having a child than a uterus. I don't even know if I have a problem carrying a baby, at this point we just have a problem making one. So I was trying to explain to my mom that DH and I are dealing with a lot of feelings right now and we don't want solutions. We are still trying to process the fact that we may not be able to have biological children. This is a huge loss for us. We are angry, hurt, sad, etc. So my mom said she and MIL are hurting for us so much and this is a loss for them too. Again, I got angry. I'm sure it is very hard for them to see us hurting. But I told my mom- you and MIL have us. And other kids. You got to watch your children grow up and see if they looked like you or their dad. DH and I may never get to do that.

Like I said, I almost hate blogging about this because my mom and MIL love us and they just want things to work out. I know my mom wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She would never intentionally do that. It's just that she can never truly "get it" because she hasn't been through this. This is our own private hell, and no matter how much my mom and MIL hurt for us or love us they can't fix it. I hope I'm not coming off like I don't want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through IF. It's not that. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family. It's just that I don't want people to offer me solutions to something they haven't been through.

I'm pissed that IF has made me such a touchy, vulnerable person. I'm pissed that I got upset with my mom over a simple comment because IF has made me that sensitive. I'm pissed that I can't enjoy a family get together with the in-laws because of IF. IF completely changes who you are and how you see the world and your future. It's bullshit, really. As I said before-- I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.

No big surprise

IUI #1 was a big fat fail. I knew it was coming. I feel stupid even admitting this, but a teeny teeny tiny part of me (like .000001%) thought maybe there would be a miracle. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky bitches who beats the odds. Stupid, right? But it's confirmed. Negative. Oh, and the nurse read my RE's note on my chart out loud to me. It said, "Meet to discuss IVF or donor eggs." Here's what the magic 8 ball says:

DH and I have an appointment on May 5. So now I'm back to waiting again. What the hell, it's been almost 2 years so what's another month?? I've been doing some research on FSH. Mine was 6.9 on day 3 which is normal, but it was 21 on day 10. That is *very* high. However, my AMH was what they consider normal (1.4). It's perplexing. So while I seem to have enough eggs, the FSH indicates that they all suck. Even with IVF I may not respond to the drugs. A lot of my research also said that many clinics won't treat women with such high FSH. So there's a possibility that my RE could turn me away because I suck that bad.
So right now:

I'm trying to be honest with myself about the fact that DH and I may not be able to have biological children. That is a very real possibility, and it pisses me off more than anything. I'm also freaking out about spending thousands on IVF, only to have it fail and we have to turn to adoption, which is also thousands. I got on a couple of adoption websites and there were all these pictures smiling couples waiting for a baby. IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMILING COUPLE ON AN ADOPTION WEBSITE. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I'VE FAILED MY HUSBAND, MYSELF, AND MY FAMILY. I may never be able to say the words "I'm pregnant" again.

Mostly, I'm just tired. Tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying, tired of everything. I don't want to be on the roller coaster anymore.

We won!

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their vasectomy campaign! Thank you to anyone who wrote to PETA or signed the petition.

Dear PETA

Are you fucking serious???? A friend in my support group linked this blog post to us. Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (a GREAT infertility blog) wrote an open letter to PETA about their vasectomy campaign. Yes, you read that right. VASECTOMY campaign. National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-30. Many of my readers suffer from infertility, so I hope you're as outraged as I am by PETA's campaign. To HONOR (yes, HONOR) National Infertility Awareness Week, PETA is offering a free vasectomy to one lucky man who has recently had his dog or cat spayed or neutered.  He can be "reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend."

From PETA: Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...

I LOVE animals. My dog is everything to me, and I got her spayed as soon as she was old enough. Animal overpopulation is a big problem in the US and I believe in being responsible and NOT breeding your pet. There are so many pets who need homes. I'm also a teacher, and I've seen my fair share of children whose parents don't give a crap about them. That DOES NOT in ANY way (yes, I am shouting) mean that infertility is justified because there are too many children in the world. Everyone deserves the chance to have their own biological children. EVERYONE. Yes, there are many children who don't have good homes. But it's not like you can go to a shelter and pick one out. I don't mean that to sound flippant but people say "Oh, you can adopt" like it's so easy. THOUSANDS of dollars, tons of paperwork, home visits, etc. are part of the process to adopt a child. IT IS NOT EASY. There are countless infertile couples waiting for a baby right now. So for PETA to imply that infertility is population control and that we should just take what we've been given and adopt is BULLSHIT.

If you agree, tell PETA that INFERTILITY IS NOT A JOKE by signing this petition.

A Waste

I should have just flushed my money down the toilet instead of paying for fertility treatments. DH's sperm was really good, but according to my blood work my FSH is extremely high which is an indication of premature ovarian failure. So apparently I don't have many eggs and the ones I do have suck. We did the IUI anyway (not sure why!!) but our next option is most likely IVF. I don't know if I want to do that. At this point I just want to punch and throw things. Fuck you in your fucking face universe.