Dear Easter, you sucked.

I can't do holidays anymore, at least not with my in-laws (as of now- my family has no kids). Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I just couldn't STAND arriving at my in-laws, just DH and I (as it's been for the past 8 years) and watching my nieces and nephews hunt eggs and celebrate. DH usually runs around and plays with the kids, acting like a kid himself. This used to make me smile. Now it just makes me angry and sad that he may never get to do that with our kids. I had to fight back tears so many times yesterday. I just kept willing time to pass so I could go home. I HATE that infertility has turned me into this person. I'm just a mess of feelings. Each holiday or birthday just reminds me of how we are no closer to having a family.

I had a slight meltdown last Tuesday because of a conversation I had with my mom. I feel a little guilty blogging about it because my mom is wonderful and supportive and I'm VERY lucky to have her. I'm going to write about it anyway with the preface that my mom is great and no one can say anything bad about her. The conversation started with her telling me that my mother-in-law (MIL) said "she still has all her parts and she'd gladly carry a baby for us." My mom told me she thought that was sweet. I said I already feel inadequate enough, and when people offer up themselves that way it just makes me feel worse. I know they mean well. I'm very lucky to have a great MIL who is also very supportive. But just imagining my mom and MIL talking about how they would carry a baby for DH and I made me soooo angry. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILD. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. Also, there is a lot more to having a child than a uterus. I don't even know if I have a problem carrying a baby, at this point we just have a problem making one. So I was trying to explain to my mom that DH and I are dealing with a lot of feelings right now and we don't want solutions. We are still trying to process the fact that we may not be able to have biological children. This is a huge loss for us. We are angry, hurt, sad, etc. So my mom said she and MIL are hurting for us so much and this is a loss for them too. Again, I got angry. I'm sure it is very hard for them to see us hurting. But I told my mom- you and MIL have us. And other kids. You got to watch your children grow up and see if they looked like you or their dad. DH and I may never get to do that.

Like I said, I almost hate blogging about this because my mom and MIL love us and they just want things to work out. I know my mom wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She would never intentionally do that. It's just that she can never truly "get it" because she hasn't been through this. This is our own private hell, and no matter how much my mom and MIL hurt for us or love us they can't fix it. I hope I'm not coming off like I don't want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through IF. It's not that. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family. It's just that I don't want people to offer me solutions to something they haven't been through.

I'm pissed that IF has made me such a touchy, vulnerable person. I'm pissed that I got upset with my mom over a simple comment because IF has made me that sensitive. I'm pissed that I can't enjoy a family get together with the in-laws because of IF. IF completely changes who you are and how you see the world and your future. It's bullshit, really. As I said before-- I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.