IUI #1 was a big fat fail. I knew it was coming. I feel stupid even admitting this, but a teeny teeny tiny part of me (like .000001%) thought maybe there would be a miracle. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky bitches who beats the odds. Stupid, right? But it's confirmed. Negative. Oh, and the nurse read my RE's note on my chart out loud to me. It said, "Meet to discuss IVF or donor eggs." Here's what the magic 8 ball says:
DH and I have an appointment on May 5. So now I'm back to waiting again. What the hell, it's been almost 2 years so what's another month?? I've been doing some research on FSH. Mine was 6.9 on day 3 which is normal, but it was 21 on day 10. That is *very* high. However, my AMH was what they consider normal (1.4). It's perplexing. So while I seem to have enough eggs, the FSH indicates that they all suck. Even with IVF I may not respond to the drugs. A lot of my research also said that many clinics won't treat women with such high FSH. So there's a possibility that my RE could turn me away because I suck
that bad.
So right now:
I'm trying to be honest with myself about the fact that DH and I may not be able to have biological children. That is a very real possibility, and it pisses me off more than anything. I'm also freaking out about spending thousands on IVF, only to have it fail and we have to turn to adoption, which is also thousands. I got on a couple of adoption websites and there were all these pictures smiling couples waiting for a baby. IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMILING COUPLE ON AN ADOPTION WEBSITE. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I'VE FAILED MY HUSBAND, MYSELF, AND MY FAMILY. I may never be able to say the words "I'm pregnant" again.
Mostly, I'm just tired. Tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying, tired of everything. I don't want to be on the roller coaster anymore.
I'm so sorry, M. It sucks a big giant dong, and that's just all there is too it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I hate this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry hon.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could say...but I know there isn't. You are in my thoughts, and I pray you will leave your next appointment with some hope...
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, you are NOT a failure. Not by a long shot. You've been dealt a shitty hand, yes, and it sucks beyond all belief, but that does not mean you are a failure or a disappointment.
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Amazing.
Take all the time you need to be angry and even to grieve. Then walk into your appointment with your head held high, ready to take charge of your future...whatever that may be. I fully understand the stress of spending all your money on IVF which may fail, or putting it towards adoption. Only you guys can decide what the right decision is for you, but you have so much support from the people who love you.
{{{HUGS}}}