Inspirational Stories

Here's the thing about those: I don't want to hear them. I think I speak for most people going through IF. We don't care if your mother's sister's cousin's friend got pregnant after 10 years of trying. Or if your father's aunt's dog walker gave up and then got knocked up because she relaxed. Those stories DO NOT HELP. It doesn't mean it will happen for us. I have a wonderful friend at school who has been there for me this past year. She has not had a loss nor did she have trouble conceiving, so when she decided to tell me a 15 minute "inspirational" story she didn't know it would frustrate me. I love this friend dearly. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I listened. This pastor she knew couldn't conceive. He and his wife tried everything including IVF twice so they finally gave up. Then out of the blue someone the pastor had counseled at a youth retreat got pregnant at 17 and decided she wanted to give her baby to this pastor and his wife. This happened to them TWICE. Two different teenage mothers, two different free adoptions without all the paperwork, visits, and other crap adoptive parents are forced to go through. It really was a remarkable story and I know the point my friend was trying to make. She was trying to make me see that God does provide, even when you give up. But I don't want to sit around and wait for a miracle. I want to have non-scheduled, carefree sex with my husband and get knocked up without even thinking about it like so many other fertiles out there. I want to have a pregnancy without fear and worry. God can't provide that. That ship has sailed.
"Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

1 year ago

I found out I was pregnant. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. I had gone alcohol free during the 2 week wait, and I was supposed to go out to eat with a friend that night. I had tested the day before (12dpo) and got a stark white negative. I decided to test when I got home from school that day. If the test was negative, I was going to drink that night. At 13 dpo, not even with FMU, I got a faint, faint line. I called my friend and asked if pregnancy tests were like OPKs where the line had to be as dark as the control line. She said, "No, a line is a line. Go buy a digital!" So I told DH I had to get something at CVS. I was shaking the entire time. Obviously the digital came up positive. DH and I were having some kind of argument so I went and handed him the test, saying something like "I know you're mad at me, but look!" I took a picture of the digital test and showed my friend that night. "Oh, look what I got for Christmas." I was so happy. I thought I was getting the best Christmas gift ever. I went to the library and checked out all kinds of pregnancy books. I subscribed to email newsletters. I couldn't stop thinking or talking about pregnancy. I thought about how lucky we were....

Hey, guess what? It's 1 year later and I do NOT have a baby, and I have NOT  had another pregnancy. I suck. Merry effing Christmas to us.

Merry effing Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right???? Yeah. I can't even listen to Christmas music. I can't do anything Christmas related without thinking about this time last year when I thought I was getting the best gift ever. I just want it all to go away. I never thought a year would go by and I wouldn't be pregnant. DH and I are moving forward though. His SA results were not so good, so he's seeing a urologist and I'm having another laparoscopic surgery done to check for any endometriosis that might be back. My OB is also going to do an HSG to see if my tubes are open. Then I guess we'll see what's next. I'm hesitant to see an RE yet because of cost. Obviously, I want my baby no matter what the cost but I also want to pursue everything I can with my OB before we starting spending out of pocket on fertility specialists. DH has to pay a $150 consultation fee to see the urologist, which I've heard from my fellow bitters is a bargain. He thinks this is outrageous. Just wait, I told him. Hopefully he'll have some good answers for us. More waiting. I'm really tired of this lesson in patience, universe. I don't need any more tests.

Tis the Season....

To be jolly, right? I don't know about that. The holidays are going to be hard this year. I got my BFP on December 18th last year and I spent Christmas marveling about how lucky I was. Fast forward 1 year and there's no baby. But I do have one thing this year I didn't have last year, and that's my adorable puppy, Shorty. So that means I can plaster her all over my photo cards for Christmas! Last year I put a picture of our house on the cards I ordered from Shutterfly.com, but this year will be even better. Of course I would love to be putting a baby's picture on the card too, but Shorty is pretty darn cute. She even has a Christmas sweater to wear. Here are two of the cards I'm considering (of course they all have children and families on them, right? Just imagine Shorty instead.)

I don't know which one I'll chose. Shutterfly has over 800 choices! Check them out here.

Pssst…all you other bloggers out there: bloggers can get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… learn more: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Attitude changes

I'm going to try to be a better blogger. I retitled it because it was Adventures in Boring was boring, and I was being boring, so maybe now my new title will help me be more exciting and will captivated my whole audience of 9. Anyway, last weekend I had a girls "getaway" with 3 of my best friends from high school. We are all turning 30 this year so we decided to get together. Admittedly, I was dreading it because one of my friends is 25 weeks pregnant with her second child. Two under two. I thought I wouldn't be able to look at her. Then I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. It's not her fault that I can't look at pregnant people. And it's not her fault that things went smoothly for her and not me. But I'm so used to living in this bitter fog that it's hard to see things that way. I didn't start the weekend with a good attitude, but things did get easier. I had a mini-meltdown and opened up about my feelings and how horrible the last year has been. I felt so much relief after that and ended up really enjoying the weekend. I feel lucky to have friends like that. It was such a nice break from my depression and bitterness that I began the work week with a better attidude, and I actually enjoyed my job and class. Then yesterday my grandparents had a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I am so thankful and grateful that I have such a wonderful family. These past two weekends have lifted some of the fog and I'm beginning to realize that maybe not getting pregnant isn't the "end-all." At the risk of sounding like an optimist, maybe there are other things in store for me. But don't worry my fellow bitter hags, I'm sure that Thanksgiving and Christmas coming and David and I still being childless will soon put me back into my fog.....

Dear Halloween...

You can go fvck yourself. Seriously. I thought I would be pregnant that last time you were here, and now you've come again and IM STILL EMPTY. Thanks for coming around to remind me of that. I can't wait until Christmas comes to make me feel even shittier.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All over the world people will be lighting candles at 7 p.m. to honor our lost little ones. Tonight I will honor my precious angel and those of my friends.

Happy Hopeful Award....

My friend Betsy at Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Sunshine has shared the "Happy/Hopeful Award" with me. What a great award to be going around a group of bitters. I admit, I saw her post a week ago but I just couldn't think of anything positive to say. I'm in a slightly better place this week so I thought I'd give it a go. How about a positive post for once?
Things that make me happy or hopeful:

1. My adorable puppy, Shorty makes me happy

2. Netflix makes me happy. I know that sounds lame but it's so nice to cuddle up on the couch with my dog and just escape for a few hours watching old episodes of Dexter or Ugly Betty.

3. My family makes me happy. My brother recently go married in Hawaii and although I was unable to travel to paradise with him I was able to attend a reception last weekend. I ended up having a good time, which is rare lately.

4. My husband makes me very happy. He's been so good to me this past year. I'm not sure how he's managed to put up with the crazy person I've become.

5. Something that makes me hopeful..... hmmm, that's tough. I guess having a plan with my OB has helped. I don't know. It's hard to be hopeful lately.

Thanks Betsy for including me. And now I pass this along to:
C at Celestes 101 in 1001
O at Too Beautiful
S at Blessing and Wonder

Who is this person?

I don't know anymore. I've become so angry, bitter, and sad. Each month when CD1 comes again I just want to hide in my house and not talk to anyone. I want to scream, cry, and break things. With each failure I get more angry, and I also hate myself more. Why is my body betraying me? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, because I just want to be at home by myself. I can't focus on my job. I don't even want to do my job anymore. I try to put on a happy face so people won't see me as the sad, infertile one. This morning I was actually shouting at God on my way to work. A couple of people said after my loss, "Oh, you'll get pregnant again, in God's time" or "God has a plan." Screw God's time and His plan. I want MY time and MY plan. I feel like I've lost my future and I'm sad that all of this has made me so self-absorbed. Reminders of babies are everywhere. This is devastating. I hate what it's turned me into and I miss who I was before.

Faces of Loss

I just submitted my story to Faces of Loss. It's a wonderful website where many women have told their story of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Check it out.

On another note, I'm writing this cycle down as a big fat fail. AF hasn't come yet, but I'm pretty sure she'll be here soon. Blah.

The plan

Well, I finally called my OB to talk about why I can't get pregnant again. We managed to do it once, so why can't we do it again? I was afraid she would just tell me to keep trying and not to worry so much. But she didn't. She sat and listened to all of my concerns and questions (I brought a list), and she was very responsive to everything. I really feel like she genuinely cares about me. She cried with me the day of my D&C, telling me the story of her miscarriage and how heartbreaking it was. I've been through a lot with her-- 2 surgeries for endometriosis, a biopsy, then a LEEP to get deep tissue, and my D&C. I'm not just a once a year patient, so I think that has helped me build a relationship with her. So the plan is for me to take 50 mg of Clomid, then get a shot of Profasi on day 13. Today is day 14, I got the shot yesterday and haven't had too many side effects from the Clomid except hot flashes and not sleeping well (but that's almost every night) But I can't stop myself from planning ahead and thinking "what are we going to do when this doesn't work?" I just have a feeling that this will never happen for us. I will never experience a bump, I will never be in a hospital delivering a healthy baby. I wish I could be more optimistic. I'm going to try.....

Hopeless

Today is CD1. I had so much hope for this cycle. I was convinced I would get pregnant. I knew I would get pregnant this time. I just had to. Nope. Of course not. I'm not sure why I even hope anymore.

The one I'll never meet

Today is my EDD. Back in January when I had my D&C, this day seemed so far away. I thought for sure I'd be pregnant again by now. Not that this baby could be replaced but it would've eased the pain a little. Instead I'm still in the same place I was in January: empty and sad. Little one, I'm so sorry my body failed you. I remember the tears of joy I cried when I saw your little heartbeat flicker on the screen. Now I cry tears of sadness because I will never meet you or hold you. You will be forever loved. XOXO

So much hope

It's officially been a year since we started trying to have a baby. I was pregnant for 8 weeks of that time, but that was it. Still an empty ute, still nothing to show for all this trying, except an ultrasound picture at 6 weeks of a baby I will never meet. I'm also approaching my EDD- August 28. I have so much hope for this cycle though. Today is CD11 and we are trying our best to have great timing. If I get pregnant cycle I will be 10 or 11 dpo on my EDD, so maybe I will be surprised with a BFP on that day. Maybe. Also my so-called psychic friend has been predicting that August 19 will be an important day for me since last year. At first she thought I would get pregnant on that date last year, but FAIL, so then when I got my BFP in December she thought I would deliver on the 19th, only 9 days before my EDD. FAIL again. Now, a year later, she is convinced that August 19 is still important. I will ovulate around that date. I don't think I really believe in psychics but a small part (well maybe a big part) is hoping beyond hope that she is right. She just HAS to be right. I can't do this much longer, I just can't. I know many people try for years, but they must be a lot stronger than me.

"Where hope grows, miracles blossom." - Elna Rae
I'm hoping my little miracle comes soon.

Shorty loves her bone :)

For some reason it's repeating my audio... I do not repeat myself to her..lol.

And it just keeps raining.

Shit, that is. Our bathroom light sparked and completely went out. We went to Lowes and bought a replacement. It didn't fit. DH took his car in for an alignment yesterday. We dropped it off and then went to Home Depot to see if they had a light that would work for our bathroom. The only one that would possibly work without DH moving around the wires was $90. ::sigh:: While we were there, the car place called and told DH he needed new wheel bearings. He repeated to the guy "$198? Alright, go ahead and do it." Yes, I heard him say $198 and he repeated it back to the worker. So we go to pick up his car and they charge him $1000!!!!!! We are both beyond pissed. He has contacted the district manager and is waiting for him to call back. If the district manager doesn't resolve this for us, we are going to file a BBB complaint and maybe call the news because they do specials on this all the time. He went back to the car place this morning to try to get the old wheel bearings so he could see if they were truly bad, and they wouldn't give them to him. It's just fishy. I feel like they screwed us, and I feel so bad for him. He's already down about his ankle and not working, so the last thing we need to do is spend so much money on his car. Plus it has over 150,000 miles on it and we would never put that much money into it at this point. I really hope things get better for him. A BFP would help, right? (I got a BFN this morning but I'm only 10 dpo). Okay, vent over.

I am the world's worst blogger

Yes, I've been horrible about keeping up. Sorry to the 5 people who actually follow my blog, you've probably given up on me. So what's been happening for the last month? Let's review.

Country Concert 2010My mom and I have been going to this concert for 10 years now. We always have a great time watching all the crazy people and we get to bond. I could live without the nasty port-a-potties, but it wouldn't be the same without them. I am so lucky to be able to do this with my mom each year.

Meeting a friend

An exciting event on my vacation was meeting my friend Kelly from TTCAL. We had a great dinner together. It was funny because this was our first real life meeting, but conversation flowed easily. I was sad I only had a little over an hour with her.

Vacation and the ankle fiasco
We just got back from our vacation to Texas. We had a great time, as we usually do together. But this vacation had some interesting twists. The day before we planned to leave, DH called and said he thought he broke his ankle. So he went to Urgent Care (it was Saturday) and got Xrays. They showed no break, and the doctor told him to just stay off of his ankle for a few days. So we took crutches with us and at the last minute decided to borrow a wheelchair from my grandparents. Thank goodness we took the chair! Anyone who's ever used crutches knows that they are a little painful, but they work. Welllll, you can't really sightsee in crutches. It's just too much. So after one attempt with crutches we decided to use the wheelchair. I thought that it wouldn't be difficult to push, I mean, people push them all the time. WRONG! It's a little different when you are pushing someone who is a lot heavier than you, and you go up and down uneven sidewalks and hills. It was hard, hard work, especially in the 100 degree weather. DH helped as much as he could but this particular chair wasn't really designed to be wheeled by the occupant. Also, I never paid much attention to things being handicapped accessible until now. I just assumed every building was because it was law. WRONG again. Most places are handicapped accessible, but not conveniently so. We would get places and then realize the ramp was on the other side of the building and have to go around. We would get places and their handicapped doors were broken. Many of the bars in different cities had steps at their entrance. The list goes on and on. All I can say now is that I really feel for wheelchair bound people and the challenges they face. I'm sorry I wasn't more aware of it before. So the chair was difficult, but we made it work. I burned a lot of calories, but I'm sure I made up for that by all the beer I drank every night. And DH's ankle never seemed to get any better despite him staying off of it all week.

When we got back, DH went to see his family doctor and then a podiatrist. Turns out, he has 2 torn ligaments and a chipped bone, an ankle injury similar to those who jump out of planes (which he's never done). He has to go to physical therapy and be off work for 6 weeks. We are not sure how his job is going to react to that, but hopefully everything will turn out okay. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Despite the ankle drama, we had a wonderful time together. I love my husband so much and I am so grateful we are able to take trips together.

Dear God

It's been a long time since we've talked. I find it hard to talk to you because I'm angry. I don't understand why my friends must hurt so much. I just don't get how teenagers and druggies can get knocked up yet my friends and I who so desperately want babies either lose them or can't get pregnant. Why am I seeing so much pain? I know there are other terrible things going on in the world and people suffer in many different ways, but why must we suffer this way? Why can't we have our precious babies? I think I know deep down that you have a plan but I'm just having a hard time believing it right now. Maybe this is a test? Whatever it is, I don't get it. I'm trying to trust you but finding it difficult. Please give me the strength and understanding to trust you. And please, please, please don't let my friends suffer any more.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I just hope our plans match up.

When a mother elephant loses her baby, the herd will stand around her, supporting her, for as long as it takes her to be ready to move forward. Even years later, elephant have been observed revisiting the site where one of their herd or family had died. They will remain here for days at a time, mourning the loss of that one.

Happy Anniversary

DH and I have been married for 3 years. I love him so much and am so happy to be with him, but I can't help thinking about the fact that we don't have a baby and I'm not KU. It makes me feel like a sh!tty wife. I hope things change by next year.

The Good and the Bad

I was thinking about where my TTC/TTCAL journey has taken me over the last 11 months today. It's been very difficult but I admit there are good things that came from it. So here it is, the good and the bad:
The BAD:
1. I will never feel the innocence of being pregnant again. The next time (God willing) I get a BFP I will be worried sick about losing my baby.
2. Every time I think of August I am filled with sadness. That's when I should be meeting my baby.
3. I have isolated myself because I've realized that many of my friends don't give me the kind of support I need.
4. I have 15 lbs of baby weight and no effing baby.
5. I have an anger and sadness inside of me that I'm not sure will ever go away. It's very hard for me to pray.
6. I have seen so much hurt and heartache and unfairness since my loss. The crack whore on the street can have a healthy baby, but my TTCAL girls must suffer multiple losses. WTF?
I could probably go on, but I want this to be a more positive post :).

Now for the GOOD:
1. I love my husband more than I ever imagined I could love him. This experience has brought us closer than ever.
2. I have made wonderful, amazing friends on TTCAL. I never imagined I could receive so much support from people I don't even know in real life.
3. I have an adorable puppy. I'm know DH wouldn't have agreed to getting Shorty before our loss. I've been trying to talk him into it for almost 3 years!
4. I feel like a stronger person once I get past all the sadness.
5. I am not naive to the cruelty of the universe.
6. When I finally (God willing) hold a healthy baby in my arms I will be even more grateful because of the long road it took me to get there.

Stupid Stupid

I POAS today and of course, BFN. What's funny is whenever someone from TTCAL posts a BFN at 10dpo I always say, "oh, it's too early, don't count yourself out." So why do I feel out already? Probably because my body sucks and I am NOT fertile. Blah.

I'm just so angry

I've turned into a real b!tch. I don't want to be around anyone except DH and Shorty. I spend my days alone and I'm perfectly happy doing that. When my phone rings I actually find myself getting annoyed because someone is disturbing me. Just the thought of hanging around other people makes me want to hide. I'm so, so grateful for my TTCAL ladies because I don't have to pretend I am happy. They truly get it and I love them so much! This is such a roller coaster I'm wondering if my anger will ever go away?

A tribute to my little cutie

My puppy saved my life. I know how that sounds. She's only 2 pounds, how could she save my life? But seriously, since my loss my emotions have been everywhere. I've struggled with depression before but not like this. I've been to therapy, done acupuncture, and taken medication. None of that helped me as much as Shorty. Just having something to nuture and use my "mommy" energy on has been a great outlet for me. She wants to be around me all the time, which feels wonderful. She's gotten my fat ass off the couch each day because we go for walks (she only makes it down the street and back), but then I put her in her crate and I continue to walk for another 30 minutes. This would not have happened before her. I would have just stayed on the couch and wallowed in my misery. I can't believe this tiny puppy has changed my life so much and made me so happy!

Good luck

So I talked to my mother-in-law on the phone for awhile today. Since our loss I've pretty much isolated myself and I enjoy being with DH and Shorty the most, so I hadn't talked to her much. I love my MIL dearly but she asked if we were "having any luck." Nope, no luck. My body effing sucks. No one in my family or DH's has struggled to get pregnant (to my knowledge) so I think people are surprised when it takes longer than 2 months to get pregnant. It took us 6 months the 1st time... which is "average" but it sure feels like a long time when you're in it. I know many people struggle to have babies for much longer times and would laugh at my year mark-- but my struggles are my struggles, you know?
So no, MIL, we are not having any luck.

First post

So I'm starting a blog. Not because I have anything interesting to share but because I have nothing better to do with my time. I considered titling it "TTC sucks" but that would just be too negative, wouldn't it? It does suck though-- big time. Today I should be 28 weeks pregnant and loving my big belly. Instead, I went for a 30 minute walk because I'm still trying to lose 10 pounds. I'm sad. I'm tired of waiting for a baby. We will soon hit the year mark of TTC ::sigh::

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you"
--Homesick by Mercy Me

Seriously, how long must I wait?