Inspirational Stories

Here's the thing about those: I don't want to hear them. I think I speak for most people going through IF. We don't care if your mother's sister's cousin's friend got pregnant after 10 years of trying. Or if your father's aunt's dog walker gave up and then got knocked up because she relaxed. Those stories DO NOT HELP. It doesn't mean it will happen for us. I have a wonderful friend at school who has been there for me this past year. She has not had a loss nor did she have trouble conceiving, so when she decided to tell me a 15 minute "inspirational" story she didn't know it would frustrate me. I love this friend dearly. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I listened. This pastor she knew couldn't conceive. He and his wife tried everything including IVF twice so they finally gave up. Then out of the blue someone the pastor had counseled at a youth retreat got pregnant at 17 and decided she wanted to give her baby to this pastor and his wife. This happened to them TWICE. Two different teenage mothers, two different free adoptions without all the paperwork, visits, and other crap adoptive parents are forced to go through. It really was a remarkable story and I know the point my friend was trying to make. She was trying to make me see that God does provide, even when you give up. But I don't want to sit around and wait for a miracle. I want to have non-scheduled, carefree sex with my husband and get knocked up without even thinking about it like so many other fertiles out there. I want to have a pregnancy without fear and worry. God can't provide that. That ship has sailed.
"Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

1 year ago

I found out I was pregnant. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. I had gone alcohol free during the 2 week wait, and I was supposed to go out to eat with a friend that night. I had tested the day before (12dpo) and got a stark white negative. I decided to test when I got home from school that day. If the test was negative, I was going to drink that night. At 13 dpo, not even with FMU, I got a faint, faint line. I called my friend and asked if pregnancy tests were like OPKs where the line had to be as dark as the control line. She said, "No, a line is a line. Go buy a digital!" So I told DH I had to get something at CVS. I was shaking the entire time. Obviously the digital came up positive. DH and I were having some kind of argument so I went and handed him the test, saying something like "I know you're mad at me, but look!" I took a picture of the digital test and showed my friend that night. "Oh, look what I got for Christmas." I was so happy. I thought I was getting the best Christmas gift ever. I went to the library and checked out all kinds of pregnancy books. I subscribed to email newsletters. I couldn't stop thinking or talking about pregnancy. I thought about how lucky we were....

Hey, guess what? It's 1 year later and I do NOT have a baby, and I have NOT  had another pregnancy. I suck. Merry effing Christmas to us.

Merry effing Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right???? Yeah. I can't even listen to Christmas music. I can't do anything Christmas related without thinking about this time last year when I thought I was getting the best gift ever. I just want it all to go away. I never thought a year would go by and I wouldn't be pregnant. DH and I are moving forward though. His SA results were not so good, so he's seeing a urologist and I'm having another laparoscopic surgery done to check for any endometriosis that might be back. My OB is also going to do an HSG to see if my tubes are open. Then I guess we'll see what's next. I'm hesitant to see an RE yet because of cost. Obviously, I want my baby no matter what the cost but I also want to pursue everything I can with my OB before we starting spending out of pocket on fertility specialists. DH has to pay a $150 consultation fee to see the urologist, which I've heard from my fellow bitters is a bargain. He thinks this is outrageous. Just wait, I told him. Hopefully he'll have some good answers for us. More waiting. I'm really tired of this lesson in patience, universe. I don't need any more tests.