Dear God

It's been a long time since we've talked. I find it hard to talk to you because I'm angry. I don't understand why my friends must hurt so much. I just don't get how teenagers and druggies can get knocked up yet my friends and I who so desperately want babies either lose them or can't get pregnant. Why am I seeing so much pain? I know there are other terrible things going on in the world and people suffer in many different ways, but why must we suffer this way? Why can't we have our precious babies? I think I know deep down that you have a plan but I'm just having a hard time believing it right now. Maybe this is a test? Whatever it is, I don't get it. I'm trying to trust you but finding it difficult. Please give me the strength and understanding to trust you. And please, please, please don't let my friends suffer any more.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I just hope our plans match up.

When a mother elephant loses her baby, the herd will stand around her, supporting her, for as long as it takes her to be ready to move forward. Even years later, elephant have been observed revisiting the site where one of their herd or family had died. They will remain here for days at a time, mourning the loss of that one.

Happy Anniversary

DH and I have been married for 3 years. I love him so much and am so happy to be with him, but I can't help thinking about the fact that we don't have a baby and I'm not KU. It makes me feel like a sh!tty wife. I hope things change by next year.

The Good and the Bad

I was thinking about where my TTC/TTCAL journey has taken me over the last 11 months today. It's been very difficult but I admit there are good things that came from it. So here it is, the good and the bad:
The BAD:
1. I will never feel the innocence of being pregnant again. The next time (God willing) I get a BFP I will be worried sick about losing my baby.
2. Every time I think of August I am filled with sadness. That's when I should be meeting my baby.
3. I have isolated myself because I've realized that many of my friends don't give me the kind of support I need.
4. I have 15 lbs of baby weight and no effing baby.
5. I have an anger and sadness inside of me that I'm not sure will ever go away. It's very hard for me to pray.
6. I have seen so much hurt and heartache and unfairness since my loss. The crack whore on the street can have a healthy baby, but my TTCAL girls must suffer multiple losses. WTF?
I could probably go on, but I want this to be a more positive post :).

Now for the GOOD:
1. I love my husband more than I ever imagined I could love him. This experience has brought us closer than ever.
2. I have made wonderful, amazing friends on TTCAL. I never imagined I could receive so much support from people I don't even know in real life.
3. I have an adorable puppy. I'm know DH wouldn't have agreed to getting Shorty before our loss. I've been trying to talk him into it for almost 3 years!
4. I feel like a stronger person once I get past all the sadness.
5. I am not naive to the cruelty of the universe.
6. When I finally (God willing) hold a healthy baby in my arms I will be even more grateful because of the long road it took me to get there.

Stupid Stupid

I POAS today and of course, BFN. What's funny is whenever someone from TTCAL posts a BFN at 10dpo I always say, "oh, it's too early, don't count yourself out." So why do I feel out already? Probably because my body sucks and I am NOT fertile. Blah.

I'm just so angry

I've turned into a real b!tch. I don't want to be around anyone except DH and Shorty. I spend my days alone and I'm perfectly happy doing that. When my phone rings I actually find myself getting annoyed because someone is disturbing me. Just the thought of hanging around other people makes me want to hide. I'm so, so grateful for my TTCAL ladies because I don't have to pretend I am happy. They truly get it and I love them so much! This is such a roller coaster I'm wondering if my anger will ever go away?

A tribute to my little cutie

My puppy saved my life. I know how that sounds. She's only 2 pounds, how could she save my life? But seriously, since my loss my emotions have been everywhere. I've struggled with depression before but not like this. I've been to therapy, done acupuncture, and taken medication. None of that helped me as much as Shorty. Just having something to nuture and use my "mommy" energy on has been a great outlet for me. She wants to be around me all the time, which feels wonderful. She's gotten my fat ass off the couch each day because we go for walks (she only makes it down the street and back), but then I put her in her crate and I continue to walk for another 30 minutes. This would not have happened before her. I would have just stayed on the couch and wallowed in my misery. I can't believe this tiny puppy has changed my life so much and made me so happy!

Good luck

So I talked to my mother-in-law on the phone for awhile today. Since our loss I've pretty much isolated myself and I enjoy being with DH and Shorty the most, so I hadn't talked to her much. I love my MIL dearly but she asked if we were "having any luck." Nope, no luck. My body effing sucks. No one in my family or DH's has struggled to get pregnant (to my knowledge) so I think people are surprised when it takes longer than 2 months to get pregnant. It took us 6 months the 1st time... which is "average" but it sure feels like a long time when you're in it. I know many people struggle to have babies for much longer times and would laugh at my year mark-- but my struggles are my struggles, you know?
So no, MIL, we are not having any luck.

First post

So I'm starting a blog. Not because I have anything interesting to share but because I have nothing better to do with my time. I considered titling it "TTC sucks" but that would just be too negative, wouldn't it? It does suck though-- big time. Today I should be 28 weeks pregnant and loving my big belly. Instead, I went for a 30 minute walk because I'm still trying to lose 10 pounds. I'm sad. I'm tired of waiting for a baby. We will soon hit the year mark of TTC ::sigh::

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you"
--Homesick by Mercy Me

Seriously, how long must I wait?