Pregnancy after loss is HARD. The first week or so after I found out I was pregnant I was fairly calm, but now that I've seen a baby with a heartbeat I am more anxious than ever. My last baby had a heartbeat too. The situation was different because I saw it in the ER after some serious bleeding from an SCH, but there was still a baby in there with a beating heart. Then 2 weeks later when I went for a follow-up u/s- nothing. The baby was gone. I can't help but replay that scenario in my head. Just because I had a good u/s the first time and baby has a heartbeat, doesn't mean I get to keep this baby.
I had a spotting scare this week. It started Tuesday, so I told myself it was just from the u/s on Monday. That wand is huge and they poke around quite a bit. I called the RE's office to let them know, and they agreed- it was probably from the u/s or just from the baby burrowing in, it was brown spotting so that was okay. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. After the serious red bleeding from my SCH during my last pregnancy, I spotted brown for 2 weeks and everything was not okay. I continued to panic and finally yesterday I cried to the nurse that I just knew something was wrong. They got me in for an u/s yesterday afternoon. Baby is fine, heart still beating away. I do have a tiny SCH again- which scares the crap out of me because I'm convinced that's what caused my loss the last time, but my RE said it's small and they are very common so I should try not to worry. He said a lot of women have them and don't even know because their pregnancies aren't monitored early like mine. He also said to call anytime- weekend or holiday too- and he would find a way to see me. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea for him to tell me that.....
I am in a constant state of anxiety. I wake up multiple times per night wondering if my baby is still alive in there. My friend Tara, who is pretty far along in her pregnancy after a loss, said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different." Great. So I'm going to be sick with fear for the next 8 months (hopefully, God willing!). I did call a counselor I've seen on and off for a couple of years. She had 2 miscarriages and then a successful pregnancy so I'm hoping she will be able to help me cope. My appointment is Monday morning. Maybe she has some magic formula for dealing with this. I doubt it. For now, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Whatever it takes. I want this baby so bad.
I'm glad you were able to get the u/s and things looked good. I hope the spotting stops and things continue to go well. I think Tara's right though, once you stop worrying about one thing something else causes anxiety, because we all know what *could* happen. PGAL is so hard and it's not fair.
ReplyDeleteGetting past each milestone really helps, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that there's always another milestone to reach. Along that vein, the one thing I hope for you above EVERYTHING else is that you get to worry for the next 8 months or so. That doesn't sound right, but I think you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteTake it minute by minute if you have to, but cherish each and every moment you have with this baby. I really hope that it will be many, many moments, but you so deserve to feel that love and joy, Misty. <3
I completely understand and feel for you. Sending love dear and thinking of you always.
ReplyDeleteYeah. It doesn't get easier. I mean, it gets "easier" in that your rational brain can comprehend that the further along you make it with nothing going wrong, the less likely it is that something will go wrong. However, convincing your primitive lizard brain of that is an entirely different story. I'd also say, too, that what made it easiest for me to deal with at the beginning of pregnancy was the simple fact that if something goes wrong then, nothing can be done. Either way, no matter what, nothing can be done. SO I wouldn't say I was calm and relaxed, but I was resigned to whatever happened, because I couldn't do shit about it anyway. But later in pregnancy, that's not the case. And it becomes terrifying to know that if something *does* go wrong, you'll have to decide things to do about it, and you'll have to decide which is the right thing to do. And that hypothetical boogeyman is a scary one.
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