You are all invited to my pity party. I've been throwing it for myself for about two weeks. With the holidays coming I just can't seem to get out of my funk. DH and I went out after Halloween to check out the decorations and costumes the stores had marked down. I remember last year thinking that next year hopefully we would be able to look at kid's costumes. It's next year. And I still couldn't look at kid's costumes. That really got to me, and with Christmas and New Year's coming up I can't help but think nothing has changed. We still don't have a baby. I really just want to crawl into a hole and come out in February, because my birthday is in January and last year I turned 30. Again, I thought my 31st birthday would surely be different different. January will be here before I know it and things aren't looking good.
I try to remind myself that we have come a long way. We jumped through countless hoops to complete our home study and also to be active with our agencies. But actually holding my own baby just seems so far away. Honestly, it seems impossible. I was shopping a friend's baby registry online the other day (actually going into a baby store may be the end of me). So I was looking through the things she and her husband and registered for, and while I'm thrilled for her, it just feels like my DH and I will never get to do that. Will we ever get to pick out a crib? Can we pick out a stroller and car seat? Don't even get me started on baby names..... that will never happen. At least it feels that way.
Waaaahhh, waaaahh, waahh. I know. I should get over myself and stop throwing pity parties. I should be grateful for the wonderful family I do have. And I am. I am SO thankful for my husband, my wonderful family, my in-laws, and my friends. I am blessed with a great support system. I know that. But it's not enough. Those people can't give me a baby. A life with DH and I, just the two of us, is not the life I want. I love him so much, but it can't be the two of us forever. I was meant to be a mom. I'm just tired of waiting for our lives to change.
Screw you IF, you bitch. Who is this selfish, depressed person you turned me into? It isn't fair.
Honey, it sounds like we both are in a similar position right now. I, too, am really feeling depressed right now. I can't believe how much time has passed and I'm still in the same spot. Childless. It really hurts...I understand how you are feeling with the holidays coming up. I have those same thoughts every year. :( Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI think your pity party sounds completely justified. This time of year really effing sucks when you're on the waiting ferris wheel. Thinking of you, buddy.
ReplyDeleteI just want to hug you so freakin' hard right now, Misty.
ReplyDelete{{{{{BIG SMOOSHY WARM HUGS}}}}}
i fought my depression for a long time. it creeps back in every now and again and 7+ years later it isn't any easier.
ReplyDeletei think everyone is entitled to a pity party. i still have them... halloween isn't a bad holiday for me, but all the others are... christmas is particularly difficult for me. it's my favorite holiday and i LOVE giving gifts.... i want to play santa so badly for our future children.
I've been throwing myself a giant Pity Party lately as well. It's SO much fun. All the cool kids come... oh wait, no they don't. It's just me on my sofa watching crap TV. whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah... I get sick of myself but it's not easy to pull yourself out of it. Big ::hugs:: to you chica.
ReplyDelete@StolenEggs - ICLW#82