Still here

I've been a bad blogger- I've done nothing but lay around for almost two weeks- you think I could have written a blog post! I don't have a whole lot to say. I went back in to see my RE for some more spotting on December 21. Everything was still fine. Apparently this baby just wants to scare me. I also had a regular appointment on December 27, and baby T was measuring almost a week ahead, so I'm a little over 9 weeks right now. I'm already past the point where I lost my last pregnancy. The stupid SCH is still there, which makes me worry, but I haven't had any spotting in over a week. My anxiety has gotten a little better. I saw my counselor last week and she gave me some tips to help calm myself when I get in panic mode. It's very difficult. If I let my mind go I will imagine every scenario or bad thing that could possibly happen. The bottom line is that I HAVE NO CONTROL. My therapist said to tell myself repeatedly: "I can't control how this ends, but I can control the way I feel right now." She also told me to come up with a calming image. Here is my image:

Yes, my calming image is my dog. I took her to Moochie & Co for a charity photo shoot. I love how it turned out. I just need to picture that cute little face and imagine little puppy snuggles and it does calm me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes. Please, please stay and grow and come meet us next summer, baby T. We already love you so much!

Constant Fear

Pregnancy after loss is HARD. The first week or so after I found out I was pregnant I was fairly calm, but now that I've seen a baby with a heartbeat I am more anxious than ever. My last baby had a heartbeat too. The situation was different because I saw it in the ER after some serious bleeding from an SCH, but there was still a baby in there with a beating heart. Then 2 weeks later when I went for a follow-up u/s- nothing. The baby was gone. I can't help but replay that scenario in my head. Just because I had a good u/s the first time and baby has a heartbeat, doesn't mean I get to keep this baby.

I had a spotting scare this week. It started Tuesday, so I told myself it was just from the u/s on Monday. That wand is huge and they poke around quite a bit. I called the RE's office to let them know, and they agreed- it was probably from the u/s or just from the baby burrowing in, it was brown spotting so that was okay. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. After the serious red bleeding from my SCH during my last pregnancy, I spotted brown for 2 weeks and everything was not okay. I continued to panic and finally yesterday I cried to the nurse that I just knew something was wrong. They got me in for an u/s yesterday afternoon. Baby is fine, heart still beating away. I do have a tiny SCH again- which scares the crap out of me because I'm convinced that's what caused my loss the last time, but my RE said it's small and they are very common so I should try not to worry. He said a lot of women have them and don't even know because their pregnancies aren't monitored early like mine. He also said to call anytime- weekend or holiday too- and he would find a way to see me. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea for him to tell me that.....

I am in a constant state of anxiety. I wake up multiple times per night wondering if my baby is still alive in there. My friend Tara, who is pretty far along in her pregnancy after a loss, said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different." Great. So I'm going to be sick with fear for the next 8 months (hopefully, God willing!). I did call a counselor I've seen on and off for a couple of years. She had 2 miscarriages and then a successful pregnancy so I'm hoping she will be able to help me cope. My appointment is Monday morning. Maybe she has some magic formula for dealing with this. I doubt it. For now, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Whatever it takes. I want this baby so bad.

Wow

Baby T is looking great. I can't believe it. Measured 6 weeks 4 days and had a heartbeat of 126! My RE actually used the word "perfect." This still feels so unreal. Another ultrasound on December 27.

Still hoping....

Well, I'm still pregnant. My last beta came back at over 35,000. The progesterone supplements are really working because my progesterone was 47. So all the leaking and feeling like I've wet myself is worth it, thank goodness.

It still feels very surreal. I overheard DH telling his dad last night, "We'll see if it works out. We aren't getting our hopes up." I know he is just being guarded, but it makes me so sad that we have to be this way. I was watching Tori and Dean (which I will NEVER watch again because a friend pointed out an awful comment she made about Dean's ex-wife and her infertility), but anyway, she gets pregnant and gives him the pee stick in a box on Valentine's Day. He's so excited. In his world pregnancy = baby. 

I'm not trying to be negative. I really am excited about this pregnancy and the possibility of a baby. I keep thinking that this has to work out because if it doesn't, it's an awfully cruel joke for the universe to play on me. I had given up this dream.I didn't think I would see my belly grow or get to watch a child grow up to look like DH and me. I felt that adoption was the right choice for us. But now....now I think about all the things I had given up and I want them again. I want them more than I wanted them before. It would be cruel to take that away again, universe.

Right after our miscarriage, DH got me a peridot ring to honor the baby who would have been due August 2010. If I'm calculating right, this baby will be due in August 2012. I was shopping with a friend last weekend and I found an elephant bracelet, but it wasn't just an elephant. It had a peridot stone on it too. It wasn't like they had a bunch of elephant bracelets with different stones- peridot was the only stone the bracelet was made with. It must be a sign, right, elephants and peridot? My August baby is back? If not, at least I already have the birthstone ring. Sorry- I hate to even type that- but I live in a world where pregnancy doesn't always = baby. If only I could be blissfully ignorant like Tori and Dean.

I have my first ultrasound on Monday. According to my LMP, I should be just 6 weeks. It may be too early for a heartbeat but hopefully we can make sure everything is in the right place. I just keep telling myself that this is out of my control. The only thing I can do is take care of my body. Whatever happens will just happen. But please, please universe, let us keep this baby.....

Urban Legends

We've all heard them. You know, the cousin's brother's sister's friend's second cousin who got pregnant after doctors told her she was infertile and she had 3 failed rounds of IVF. The friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of someone you don't even know who decided to adopt or completed an adoption and then got pregnant. Those stories suck, and they are NOT at ALL encouraging. If you are a member of the IF community, those stories just piss you off. I WILL NOT be one of those stories.

Yes, I got pregnant after deciding to adopt. Yes, it was a surprise. But if you look at it statistically, it's been two years since I was pregnant the first time. My RE never said it was impossible for me to get pregnant, he just said it would be difficult. Hence the 2 years to get another BFP. It's not because I relaxed, or some stupid bullshit like that. Trust me, I haven't been relaxed.

My friend T is an urban legend. So is my friend C. T is going to make us t-shirts or something because WE DEFIED THE ODDS and got pregnant! Whatever. ::eyeroll:: (T- I secretly love the t-shirt idea, but don't tell anyone).

I guess the whole point of this post is that I don't want people telling stories about me. I don't want to be the friend of a friend of a friend you knew online who decided to adopt and then got pregnant. Again, those stories SUCK. I also know that there is no guarantee I will get to meet this baby. And just because it happens for some of us, does not mean it happens for all of us.

Somehow, my first two betas came back great (1,649 and 3,482). My progesterone is also good, although I am on supplements now as a precaution. This is still so surreal to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it. I am an urban legend, after all.

Disbelief

I've been waiting for AF to come because I was going to try my Diva Cup (I've been afraid ever since my Instead Cup incident). Anyway, she was supposed to come Thursday night or Friday, and my cycles have always been regular. This afternoon I was drowning in my self-pity as usual, so I decided to take a leftover pregnancy test. I figured I'd take the test and then AF would come right after because she's a bitch like that. I also figured that a negative test would give me more self-pity to wallow in.

For some reason the test was POSITIVE. It only took about 20 seconds for the second line to appear. I was shocked. I thought it was an old test so it must be wrong. I went out and bought 3 more tests. ALL POSITIVE.

Thinking back, I'm pretty sure DH and I only had sex a couple of times this cycle (we've been busy and tired- stop judging!). I haven't been charting or keeping track of anything because technically we aren't TTC. We just aren't preventing. I do remember having ovulation cramps (at least I assumed they were) this cycle but I can't recall if we actually did it that day. I really can't believe this happened.

Cue the panic. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and this was a dream, or I'll wake up to AF. Each time I've gone to the bathroom since this afternoon I'm checking for blood. Last time the bleeding started at around 6 weeks because of an SCH, then at 8 weeks my baby was gone. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been pregnant before. I let myself get excited, only to have my world turned upside down. I really hope the universe isn't playing some awful trick on us. I really thought adoption was it for us. Maybe it still will be, but I really hope we get to keep this baby. Can we just fast forward through time so I can see how this ends?

Not Chosen

At least we're not waiting any more. Even though I said I was expecting a "no," this still sucks.