Still hoping....

Well, I'm still pregnant. My last beta came back at over 35,000. The progesterone supplements are really working because my progesterone was 47. So all the leaking and feeling like I've wet myself is worth it, thank goodness.

It still feels very surreal. I overheard DH telling his dad last night, "We'll see if it works out. We aren't getting our hopes up." I know he is just being guarded, but it makes me so sad that we have to be this way. I was watching Tori and Dean (which I will NEVER watch again because a friend pointed out an awful comment she made about Dean's ex-wife and her infertility), but anyway, she gets pregnant and gives him the pee stick in a box on Valentine's Day. He's so excited. In his world pregnancy = baby. 

I'm not trying to be negative. I really am excited about this pregnancy and the possibility of a baby. I keep thinking that this has to work out because if it doesn't, it's an awfully cruel joke for the universe to play on me. I had given up this dream.I didn't think I would see my belly grow or get to watch a child grow up to look like DH and me. I felt that adoption was the right choice for us. But now....now I think about all the things I had given up and I want them again. I want them more than I wanted them before. It would be cruel to take that away again, universe.

Right after our miscarriage, DH got me a peridot ring to honor the baby who would have been due August 2010. If I'm calculating right, this baby will be due in August 2012. I was shopping with a friend last weekend and I found an elephant bracelet, but it wasn't just an elephant. It had a peridot stone on it too. It wasn't like they had a bunch of elephant bracelets with different stones- peridot was the only stone the bracelet was made with. It must be a sign, right, elephants and peridot? My August baby is back? If not, at least I already have the birthstone ring. Sorry- I hate to even type that- but I live in a world where pregnancy doesn't always = baby. If only I could be blissfully ignorant like Tori and Dean.

I have my first ultrasound on Monday. According to my LMP, I should be just 6 weeks. It may be too early for a heartbeat but hopefully we can make sure everything is in the right place. I just keep telling myself that this is out of my control. The only thing I can do is take care of my body. Whatever happens will just happen. But please, please universe, let us keep this baby.....