I had such a good weekend in Tennessee that it's a shock to be back to reality. This is going to be a big downer post. I just feel so terrible right now. I'm struggling with so many emotions. I feel:
Frustrated- that we haven't been able to get pregnant again on our own. Yet every time I turn around someone else is pregnant.
Guilty- because I feel like I'm not being a good wife. I'm just such a mess. Also because my students deserve a teacher who can give them 100% and doesn't have so many issues.
Angry- that we have to spend $$ on fertility and that I have another health issue on top of everything else.
Sad- that my life revolves around an imaginary pregnancy.
Scared-because my future is so uncertain. That it will never happen for us.
Stupid- that I still hope to get "accidentally" KU.
Envious- of anyone with a family.
Embarrassed- that we're having trouble getting pregnant. I'm a woman, this is what I'm supposed to do, right?
Mostly, I just feel BAD. And I'm tired of feeling bad.
I completely understand how you feel. I try to highlight the positives in everyday, keep a gratitude journal, crap like that, but at the end of everyday I still fall asleep with a heaviness in my heart that I just don't know how to lift.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that consoles me sometimes when I feel all of these emotions you just listed is that it doesn't make me less of a person to feel them right now. It seems to be really common for women in our situation.
((HUGS)) I feel the same way. I hate, hate, hate this for us. I feel like all the RE appts. are taking away from my teaching, and that my students did better last year because I wasn't going yet.
ReplyDeleteTha't not a downer post it is just the sad fact of IF. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling so down, Misty. This struggle sucks, and is so unfair. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThat what blogging is for, you should never feel the need to apologize for writing how you truly feel.
ReplyDeleteAll those emotions..I've been there too. The only thing I can say is that tomorrow is a new day, and you won't feel this way forever.
I'm so sorry another condition has been added to the mix. I know how you feel. After 2.5 years of IF treatments, I just found out I have an adhesion in my uterus. It feels like it will never end!
ICLW#117
Thank you for your comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteAll those emotions are so true to what life is like for someone dealing with infertility. I've been there myself, time and time again. My heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to do something good for yourself soon.
I'm also a teacher- and have really struggled to find a balance between being the good teacher and the infertility patient. It's hard.
Thinking of you.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. We can all relate. I have felt all of those emotions so many times. It's just so unfair
ReplyDeleteOh, Misty. I'm so very, very sorry. I hate that you feel this way. :-(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're in a bad place right now. :( It's completely understandable. I hope that things turn around for you very soon...
ReplyDeleteMy first ICLW (I'm #110 on the list). Ironic that yesterday I too posted a list of bummers about not being able to conceive. Must have been in the air. Hope you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteHolly
this is a good post. venting is what this community is for.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I so empathize with you. I know those feelings. I hope things calm down a bit. I'm a teacher too, I know how draining it can be. Good luck going forward! Happy ICLW! Thanks for stopping by my blog!
ReplyDelete