The Decision

I feel much relief and peace right now about our family. It's amazing considering how angry I've been for the past several months. DH and I have decided not to go forward with any fertility treatments at this time and to pursue adoption. We are not giving up on the possibility of a biological child, we are just choosing at this point to grow our family another way. It feels so strange because we've been on such a roller coaster since we started TTC, yet we came to this decision easily. I guess (as corny as it sounds- I don't want to ruin my reputation as a bitter IF bitch) maybe that means it's the right decision for us.

I am going to go ahead with the surgery to fix my uterine septum on June 9, as it is not a difficult surgery and I want the peace of mind if I ever do conceive again.

I've been reading Adoption for Dummies since my disappointing RE appointment back on April 1. It is a little discouraging as it goes through all the steps and requirements to adopt and the many complications that can arise. I know this isn't going to be an easy road; that's not why we chose this option. But IUIs with injectables and IVF weren't going to be easy either.

It feels so strange to be "coming out" with this decision. My heart feels lighter than it has felt in months. I know adoption is not for everyone, and I hope I will still have the wonderful support of the IF blogging community though I'm not longer pursuing fertility treatments (they are not off the table for the future). I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what I write and also to comment. It means a lot!

Our WTF appointment

So we had our appointment this morning with the RE to discuss our options. I was fully prepared for a doom and gloom scenario and for him to basically tell me how bad I suck. He really didn't. He went through all of my test results very matter-of-factly.

• My prolactin was very elevated. He had blood work from my PCP a year ago that had it at 15 (normal), when they drew it during the last cycle it was 43.
• My estrogen was 99 on day 3. Again, very high.
• My FSH was normal on day 3 (6.9), but very elevated on day 10 (21)
• My AMH was normal (1.56), but low normal (normal is 1-6)
• My LH on day 10 was 23
• I had multiple follicles on the baseline ultrasound. One matured to 30 (mm, I think)
• I have a borderline uterine septum, which could hinder implantation
• I have what he believes to be adenomyosis (inflammation) on my uterus. This can't be definitively diagnosed. It could hinder implantation, or it could not.

He said that if you look at some of my results independently, such as the FSH, it looks pretty bad. But if you look at all of the factors, with age still being the most important, there are still many options. He said with Femara, Gonal F, and IUI he gives us a 3-5% chance each cycle. A normal fertile couple only has a 20% chance to conceive each month. With IVF, he gives us a 5-15% chance. His recommendation is to try 2-3 cycles with the injectables and IUI, because if you look at the statistics 3 cycles would give us a 15% chance, and IVF gives us a 15% chance with just one attempt. Plus the cost of 3 IUI cycles would equal (or be less) than the cost of one IVF. And of course the IUI cycles are much less invasive. I'm not a huge believer in statistics, but I do trust his opinion. He also suggests a hysteroscopy to correct my uterine septum. It's not a "fix-it" surgery, but it will help the implantation environment. There is also a higher rate of miscarriage with a uterine septum so having the hysteroscopy would bring down my risk. Again, I think statistics are kind of BS- but I'll do whatever I can to help this process.

DH and I have a lot to talk about and consider, but at least we have options at this point. I think we will probably start with the hysteroscopy. Of course that means more WAITING, because I won't be able to get the surgery until early June. Then we have to wait for me to start another cycle before doing more treatments. ::sigh:: I'll do my best to be patient. I guess I have no choice.

Dear Easter, you sucked.

I can't do holidays anymore, at least not with my in-laws (as of now- my family has no kids). Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I just couldn't STAND arriving at my in-laws, just DH and I (as it's been for the past 8 years) and watching my nieces and nephews hunt eggs and celebrate. DH usually runs around and plays with the kids, acting like a kid himself. This used to make me smile. Now it just makes me angry and sad that he may never get to do that with our kids. I had to fight back tears so many times yesterday. I just kept willing time to pass so I could go home. I HATE that infertility has turned me into this person. I'm just a mess of feelings. Each holiday or birthday just reminds me of how we are no closer to having a family.

I had a slight meltdown last Tuesday because of a conversation I had with my mom. I feel a little guilty blogging about it because my mom is wonderful and supportive and I'm VERY lucky to have her. I'm going to write about it anyway with the preface that my mom is great and no one can say anything bad about her. The conversation started with her telling me that my mother-in-law (MIL) said "she still has all her parts and she'd gladly carry a baby for us." My mom told me she thought that was sweet. I said I already feel inadequate enough, and when people offer up themselves that way it just makes me feel worse. I know they mean well. I'm very lucky to have a great MIL who is also very supportive. But just imagining my mom and MIL talking about how they would carry a baby for DH and I made me soooo angry. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILD. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. Also, there is a lot more to having a child than a uterus. I don't even know if I have a problem carrying a baby, at this point we just have a problem making one. So I was trying to explain to my mom that DH and I are dealing with a lot of feelings right now and we don't want solutions. We are still trying to process the fact that we may not be able to have biological children. This is a huge loss for us. We are angry, hurt, sad, etc. So my mom said she and MIL are hurting for us so much and this is a loss for them too. Again, I got angry. I'm sure it is very hard for them to see us hurting. But I told my mom- you and MIL have us. And other kids. You got to watch your children grow up and see if they looked like you or their dad. DH and I may never get to do that.

Like I said, I almost hate blogging about this because my mom and MIL love us and they just want things to work out. I know my mom wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She would never intentionally do that. It's just that she can never truly "get it" because she hasn't been through this. This is our own private hell, and no matter how much my mom and MIL hurt for us or love us they can't fix it. I hope I'm not coming off like I don't want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through IF. It's not that. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family. It's just that I don't want people to offer me solutions to something they haven't been through.

I'm pissed that IF has made me such a touchy, vulnerable person. I'm pissed that I got upset with my mom over a simple comment because IF has made me that sensitive. I'm pissed that I can't enjoy a family get together with the in-laws because of IF. IF completely changes who you are and how you see the world and your future. It's bullshit, really. As I said before-- I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.

No big surprise

IUI #1 was a big fat fail. I knew it was coming. I feel stupid even admitting this, but a teeny teeny tiny part of me (like .000001%) thought maybe there would be a miracle. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky bitches who beats the odds. Stupid, right? But it's confirmed. Negative. Oh, and the nurse read my RE's note on my chart out loud to me. It said, "Meet to discuss IVF or donor eggs." Here's what the magic 8 ball says:

DH and I have an appointment on May 5. So now I'm back to waiting again. What the hell, it's been almost 2 years so what's another month?? I've been doing some research on FSH. Mine was 6.9 on day 3 which is normal, but it was 21 on day 10. That is *very* high. However, my AMH was what they consider normal (1.4). It's perplexing. So while I seem to have enough eggs, the FSH indicates that they all suck. Even with IVF I may not respond to the drugs. A lot of my research also said that many clinics won't treat women with such high FSH. So there's a possibility that my RE could turn me away because I suck that bad.
So right now:

I'm trying to be honest with myself about the fact that DH and I may not be able to have biological children. That is a very real possibility, and it pisses me off more than anything. I'm also freaking out about spending thousands on IVF, only to have it fail and we have to turn to adoption, which is also thousands. I got on a couple of adoption websites and there were all these pictures smiling couples waiting for a baby. IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMILING COUPLE ON AN ADOPTION WEBSITE. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I'VE FAILED MY HUSBAND, MYSELF, AND MY FAMILY. I may never be able to say the words "I'm pregnant" again.

Mostly, I'm just tired. Tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying, tired of everything. I don't want to be on the roller coaster anymore.

We won!

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their vasectomy campaign! Thank you to anyone who wrote to PETA or signed the petition.

Dear PETA

Are you fucking serious???? A friend in my support group linked this blog post to us. Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (a GREAT infertility blog) wrote an open letter to PETA about their vasectomy campaign. Yes, you read that right. VASECTOMY campaign. National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-30. Many of my readers suffer from infertility, so I hope you're as outraged as I am by PETA's campaign. To HONOR (yes, HONOR) National Infertility Awareness Week, PETA is offering a free vasectomy to one lucky man who has recently had his dog or cat spayed or neutered.  He can be "reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend."

From PETA: Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...

I LOVE animals. My dog is everything to me, and I got her spayed as soon as she was old enough. Animal overpopulation is a big problem in the US and I believe in being responsible and NOT breeding your pet. There are so many pets who need homes. I'm also a teacher, and I've seen my fair share of children whose parents don't give a crap about them. That DOES NOT in ANY way (yes, I am shouting) mean that infertility is justified because there are too many children in the world. Everyone deserves the chance to have their own biological children. EVERYONE. Yes, there are many children who don't have good homes. But it's not like you can go to a shelter and pick one out. I don't mean that to sound flippant but people say "Oh, you can adopt" like it's so easy. THOUSANDS of dollars, tons of paperwork, home visits, etc. are part of the process to adopt a child. IT IS NOT EASY. There are countless infertile couples waiting for a baby right now. So for PETA to imply that infertility is population control and that we should just take what we've been given and adopt is BULLSHIT.

If you agree, tell PETA that INFERTILITY IS NOT A JOKE by signing this petition.

A Waste

I should have just flushed my money down the toilet instead of paying for fertility treatments. DH's sperm was really good, but according to my blood work my FSH is extremely high which is an indication of premature ovarian failure. So apparently I don't have many eggs and the ones I do have suck. We did the IUI anyway (not sure why!!) but our next option is most likely IVF. I don't know if I want to do that. At this point I just want to punch and throw things. Fuck you in your fucking face universe.