25 weeks

Wait, what? How did I get here again? I have no clue, but every day I am so thankful for how lucky I am.

So what's new? Well, there is definitely no doubt I am pregnant now. I've been feeling tons of movement, so much that I actually stopped using my doppler every day. I've had a few panic moments where I don't think she is still moving, then when I try to use the doppler she kicks me! I don't think she likes being poked.

As far as my health- I'm semi normal. Still having gallbladder pain, but it comes and goes. I felt great the whole time I was on Spring Break so I'm hoping that once school is out it will make a difference, because I think stress irritates my gallbladder more. It's the only way to explain why I feel well on the weekends but crappy during the week.

DH and I registered. It was so strange and overwhelming. There are so many things we don't know, but I guess we will figure out along the way. It's just so surreal to think we will actually have a baby in a few months. A few months ago I purchased 2 cloth diapers to show DH how easy they are, but other than that we haven't bought any baby items. I did get an Ergo carrier for a great price on E.bay the other day, but it hasn't arrived yet.

We also named her, but we've decided to keep her name to ourselves until her birth. We want it to be a surprise, but we also don't want to hear what other people think about our name choice. DH and I both made a list of names and compared our lists. Our hope was that we would have some of the same names. We had completely different lists. I picked classic names like Katie, Leah, and Jamie, and he picked trendier names. He had a few names on his list that reminded me of students (in a bad way) so I had to veto those. We narrowed our lists down to 3 we would each consider, but then we ended up picking a name on his list that wasn't in our top 3 at first. I love it and I'm so excited to share it when she's here. Oh, and did I mention we did this all at a pizza place? DH said he can't wait to tell her about how we were sitting at Marion's Piazza and we decided on her name.

I guess that's it for now. Here's my 25 week belly pic!

Why me?

I love being part of this blogging community. Reading other stories of infertility and loss has helped me cope with my own issues, and I love seeing people become parents after beating the odds. But it's also exposed me to stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss that I may have otherwise been oblivious to. I was reading about a blogger who lost her sweet baby boy at 22 weeks the other day, and it got me thinking. Why me? Why am I so lucky to have beaten the odds and become pregnant after the RE told me it probably wouldn't happen? How did I get the privilege of feeling this sweet little girl move inside me? Why have I been given this wonderful, priceless gift while others still suffer and may never become parents? Of course, I realize I'm only a little over halfway there. Things can still go wrong. I still may not get to bring this precious little girl home (something I think about EVERY day), but today I am pregnant. Today, I have beaten the odds. I was fully committed to our adoption journey and truly thought it was the right path for us, but I would have missed this experience. I wouldn't have known what I was missing, but now that I've felt kicks and flutters and twirls I am so, so, so grateful. It just makes me feel sad for those who still haven't had the chance to cross over. Everyone deserves this chance.

Those of you that are still fighting this battle, love and hugs to you. I remember how hard Easter was for me last year watching all the kids hunt eggs and feeling sad that I may never have that chance. I hope I will see you on the other side soon. <3 <3 <3

Anatomy Scan

Before I tell you about my anatomy scan, I want to update about the sickness from last week. I did end up having to stay home from work Monday because my diarrhea was so horrible. I was up all night Sunday. I went to the doctor and she admitted she was worried about me. The OB and PCP both said they baby should be fine as long as I'm drinking lots of fluids. I was doing my best. My PCP was worried the c.diff wasn't gone. I had to give another stool sample, but it would take several days to get the results. Both doctors said it was okay to take Kaopectate in the meantime. That provided a tiny bit of relief, but I still spent Tuesday and Wednesday in misery. I went to work, but had to run to the bathroom multiple times and fight off waves of cramps and nausea all day. It was not fun, and I was frustrated with feeling like crap and also eating only the BRAT diet. It was getting old. Finally Thursday morning things felt like they were returning to normal. Yesterday I was able to eat and go to the bathroom like a normal person. I never thought a regular bathroom trip could make me so happy. The best news- my doctor's office called last night and I am NEGATIVE for c.diff. It must have been the F.lagyl that had me so screwed up. I hope I never have to take that crap again.

Now to the good part. My anatomy scan was Thursday. I woke up with knots in my stomach because I was so scared something would be wrong. DH and my grandma were both able to go. Our baby GIRL measured on track and looked healthy. She kept her legs tightly closed for a long time and the tech had to shake, poke, and prod trying to get her to move. Finally she got a shot from "underneath." More great news- my placenta has moved up and is no longer considered low lying and my cervix still looks great. Of course, my insides are still riddled with fibroids, but they don't seem to be affecting the baby.

There is one concern- my amniotic fluid was "low normal." Still in the normal range, but on the low end. My OB thinks it's because of the severe diarrhea I had earlier in the week and said to drink lots and lots of water. I thought I was getting enough but I guess the sickness took it's toll because I also lost 3 pounds. She wasn't overly concerned about the fluid or the weight loss, but of course now my worrying brain is going into overdrive. I've managed to keep myself from asking Dr. G.oogle about low amniotic fluid because I'm sure he will have evil things to say about it. I flooded myself with over 100 ounces of water yesterday and have already had almost 60 ounces this morning so hopefully things will look better at my next scan. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't have something to make me worry like crazy, right? My next appointment is April 26 and I will have another cervix check and my glucose test. I still can't believe how lucky we are. Here are some pictures of our precious little miracle. You can see the "money shot" on the bottom with her little bottom pointing at us.

More sickness

Warning- TMI post

Seriously, if it's not one thing it's another. A little over two weeks ago, when I thought I had the flu, my PCP asked me to collect a stool sample. I didn't hear anything for almost a week so I thought everything was fine. Nope. Apparently I have/had c. diff. Basically it's when you have too much bad bacteria and not enough good bacteria in your stool (similar to a vaginal infection). I am hating myself for stopping my probiotics during the first trimester. The doc assured me that as long as it's treated it's not detrimental to the baby and the OB said the same. She prescribed F.lagyl. I only had diarrhea for a day when I thought I had the flu, and everything had returned to normal since. Until a few days ago. It started Wednesday at the end of the school day. I had horrible cramping and diarrhea. Thursday morning was okay but then that afternoon I had to make several trips to the bathroom. Which is really fun with a 20 second graders. I either had to take an unscheduled class restroom break every time the diarrhea would hit or find someone to cover my class. We also don't have many private staff bathrooms so I would have to hunt for one. Fun times, fun times. Friday was the same. Yesterday I felt somewhat better during the day, then last night I went out to eat with my family. I had to get up FOUR times to use the bathroom in the restaurant. Finally my mom said, "Do you have the runs?" LOL. Yes, mom! Now, it's 6:45 am and I've been up since 3 am going to the bathroom on and off. Each time I think it's safe to go back to bed I have cramps again and have to get back up.

This is miserable. It clearly says on the prescription bottle "may cause diarrhea" and Dr. G.oogle has led me to several websites where people complain about how awful F.lagyl is. I have taken it before but I'm betting I just took an anti-diarrhea med or something because I wasn't pregnant and over analyzing everything I put into my body. Or it's possible it's affecting me differently this time because I am pregnant. Either way it sucks. This shit better go away soon. Literally. If it continues there is no way I can go to work tomorrow as I'm on the damn toilet every ten minutes. I took my last dose this morning so hopefully this well start to get better.

On the plus side I can feel the baby move around like crazy. She is probably hearing all the noises from my intestines and trying to get away from them! Even though I feel awful I am so grateful for my little miracle. I will gladly take many more months of sickness if it will bring my baby safely into the world. Keep growing little one, we love you so much!

22 weeks

Halfway There!

Holy cow, how did this happen? It seems like I just got my BFP and was counting the days until I would be in my second trimester! I am so grateful to be at this point. I am still in shock.

This past week was another bad week, health wise. I woke up Monday with a sore throat, but Tuesday I felt better so I thought it was drainage or something. Then Wednesday I woke up with nausea and horrible (sorry, TMI) diarrhea. Turns out the flu was going around my classroom. I went to see my PCP Wednesday and she all she could prescribe was Gatorade and rest. She said it was okay to not eat for a day as long as I stayed hydrated. She also wanted me to give a stool sample because of the diarrhea. That was um, fun. Not. Obviously I stayed home from school Wednesday. Thursday I woke up starving so I knew my stomach was feeling better. I went to school but the more I moved around the more congested and sluggish I got. By 10 a.m. I was barely moving. I somehow survived the day, but I stayed home again Friday to rest. I spent Friday and most of Saturday in a snotty, sneezy, daze. Yesterday and today I finally started to feel normal again. I hope I'm done with sickness for awhile!

Other than the sickness, things are going well. My gallbladder pain has eased a bit, and I'm feeling the baby move like crazy. It is so reassuring to feel those little twitches, although I can tell she is already sitting on my bladder. That will be fun as she gets heavier. Keep growing, baby girl, we hope to see you in about 20 more weeks!

Half-baked!

It's back....

Well, my gallbladder relief was short lived. I was in so much pain last week. I had felt so much better from my first attack a month ago that I'm afraid I overdid it with different foods. I felt even worse this time and it's really wearing on me. Saturday I almost had a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. I held off and just called my mom crying from the car instead of melting down in public. I just don't know what to eat. I can eat something one day and be fine, then the next day it irritates my gallbladder. I have a food diary and I'm keeping track of everything so I know what triggers pain. I cut out all dairy- which I had mostly done except for milk with cereal anyway, but I switched to rice milk because I ate a few slices of cheese and figured out quickly that's a no no. I love cheese too :(. I spent all last week eating carefully and finally felt some relief yesterday. Today I had pain again (even though I ate "safe" foods that didn't bug me before) but the pain was moderate at least.

I also had my first trip to labor & delivery on Saturday. I was having such a hard day- in so much pain and frustrated with grocery shopping and not being able to eat. I kept having these cramps that would come and go. I figured it was just round ligament pain (RLP) but after taking Tylenol and a warm bath I didn't feel any relief. I started to panic and called the OB. Mine wasn't on call but the other OB in the practice called back. He said it was probably normal, but if Tylenol wasn't helping I could go to the hospital and get checked. Cue breakdown #2 of the day. I was home alone and had no idea when DH would get off, so I called my good friend B. She left her two kids with her husband and came over immediately (I'm so lucky to have her!) and drove me to the hospital. When I got there they debated sending me to the ER because technically they don't treat you in L&D until 20 weeks. I was 18 weeks 5 days so they let me stay. As soon as I got checked in, DH showed up so B went home. They hooked me up to a monitor and used the doppler on Baby T. I also gave a urine sample to rule out a UTI. After an hour, it was obvious I wasn't having contractions, and my urine came back clean so they attributed the pain to stretching and RLP. Once I actually got into the hospital bed and felt the pain there, I realized it was a lot milder than I thought. My anxiety was making it so much worse at home.

It is comforting to know that I can go to L&D and get checked so easily. They didn't make me feel silly or stupid or like I overreacted. I am very glad I went because it gave me peace of mind and then I didn't freak out all night. I think weekends are the most difficult for me because I'm alone most of the time and I'm not very busy. At school I go nonstop so I don't pay much attention to any minor aches I may have. This could be bad because after week 32 I will be out of school and be home. I hope I don't become a frequent flyer in L&D! I need to find ways to keep myself busy.

On top of all this, I have a chest cold now. I had 7 students absent today (out of 20) so there is something nasty going around my classroom. I really hope whatever I have doesn't get worse, because right now it's tolerable. Despite all these issues, I am still extremely grateful and thrilled to be pregnant. I told my mom that I feel guilty being upset about my pain because of course I will do ANYTHING to keep this baby. She said it's okay to be upset- pregnant women are not supposed to spend 9 months in pain, and I can hate the pain and situation but still love the pregnancy. I'm going to see my PCP again this week to ask if there is anything else that I can do for my gallbladder. I haven't gained any weight at my last 3 OB appointments. My OB isn't concerned, because Baby T is obviously growing, but I've got to find a way to fill myself up and eat comfortably. I will figure this out!

 

19 weeks. Keep growing, baby (girl?)!

It's a......

GIRL. Well, maybe. The tech said she thinks it's a girl and she showed us the folds of what she thought was a labia. She also said this is "between us" and she's not "documenting it" until my anatomy scan on March 29. We are not rushing out to buy anything pink just yet. I am so excited and thankful (just for a healthy baby, not because it's a girl). My cervix looked great, but my placenta is still low (my husband joked that he's giving up sex for Lent, hahaha), so I'm still on pelvic rest. Also the fibroids are still there, but my OB doesn't seem too concerned about any of this so I guess I should follow her lead and STOP WORRYING. She told me to stop reading the pregnancy books and just enjoy this because things are looking great. I will try.

Here is the positive side of infertility and loss. I really don't think I could be more grateful for this baby. Each time I see her (or him?) on the screen or hear the heartbeat I am amazed at this miracle that I've been given. It is truly amazing how we are brought into this world. How everything lines up just right and a life is created. Even today looking at my u/s pics, I can't believe that there is this tiny human growing and developing inside my body. I feel like I am the luckiest person on the planet. I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to have what DH and I created together. Pieces of both our DNA came together to make a person. So remarkable and precious. Again, I swear I am the luckiest person alive. Is this really my life?

18 weeks! Keep growing, baby. We love you so much!