Time. Does it really heal?

As my second EDD approaches, I can't help thinking about how different things are this year. It still stings that I should have a one year old. I don't know if I will ever stop counting the years of what would've-no SHOULD'VE- been our first child. But that aching, hollow feeling isn't as strong this year. Last year my EDD fell on the day of my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I was so sad and depressed that I only attended the shower and skipped the party. How could I have fun when I should have a baby in my arms? How could I put aside the fact that every month when my period comes it feels like the world is going to end? Today, I'm angry at myself for being so consumed with my own grief that I couldn't forget it for one night (or at least pretend to) and have fun with my SIL. But you know IF, she turns you into a selfish bitch.

I don't think it's time that has healed me so much. I'm not healed. I just have a new focus, our adoption. I'm excited about the fact that despite my stupid, failure of a body, we may actually have a family soon. That bitch is still there though. For example, today I found out that our former school nurse's daughter, who had breast cancer and went through chemo, is now pregnant. She is also 40 and has two school aged kids. My first thought wasn't "oh how wonderful after all she's been through." Nope, it was "awesome, she had poison in her body and has old eggs yet she still gets KU and I don't. And she already has two kids." Yep, there's the bitch again! I've just learned to control her better.

In other news, we had our first visit with the social worker on Sunday. It went well (I think) and her next, and final, visit is on Labor Day. At that point I'm not sure how long it will take her to complete the home study, but hopefully not long. We managed to cross EVERYTHING off our list except for the 3.5 hours of online courses we need to take, which we will hopefully do this weekend. I can't believe how much we've accomplished. Oh, there is another thing though. Since I attended therapy after my miscarriage, I need to get a letter from my therapist saying why she treated me and if I'm fit to adopt. No problem, right. Well it isn't a problem, but my therapist charges $60 to write it! Oh well, it's only money. Except we've already spent close to $5000 on this and we haven't even been match yet. We also had to pay for our social worker's gas because she traveled more than 60 miles round trip. Whatever. It will be worth it. Except DH will have to work so much overtime he'll never get to see our kid.

I also went back to work Monday. I'm so excited because I got a Smartboard! I've been using an overhead projector and transparencies (hello, 1980s) for the past 7 years, so this is a big upgrade. I'm can't wait to learn all the things I'll be able to do with it. The bad part is I already want to hurt one of my coworkers and it's only been 2 days. But maybe my principal grew a pair over the summer and he'll keep her in check. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So now you're all caught up. Second EDD- still no baby- but hey, we're moving forward, right?

Kickin A$s

So last week I threw a pity party for us and whined about everything we have to do for our homestudy. School starts in 3 weeks and I need to get my classroom ready, and we will be on vacation all next week. We are also stripping and refinishing our kitchen table, which has turned out to be a much bigger project than we anticipated. I was definitely feeling the pressure to get things done. I am so proud of myself though, because I worked my ass off this week. I was able to get almost the entire table sanded (with help from DH and my grandma) and it should be ready for staining after vacation. I also got my whole classroom unpacked and organized (we have to pack up each year so they can "clean" our rooms- they never look that clean so it's just a waste of time) so all I have left at school is putting student's names on things and getting my open house packet and first week lesson plans ready. We also crossed off many things on our homestudy list:

1. Application for child placement- I didn't realize this was on our original homestudy application, so it was already done
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment- I have mine, DH still has to get his after vacation
6. References- 5 non-relatives- mailed, hopefully our references fill them out in a timely manner
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)- mine is done, DH has an appt Aug 15
14. Child care class- scheduled Aug 17
15. Infant CPR certification- scheduled Aug 18
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire- I have started this, and plan to finish in the car on vacation
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)- done!
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker- first one scheduled Aug 21

Many of the items left are just a matter of making copies. Also, our profile book is DONE! I had to revise it 4 times, but our consultant says it looks great now! So when we get back from vacation we can work on getting it printed. I will probably just go to Kinko's and then get some plastic sheet covers at an office supply store. N said not to make it too formal. I can't believe how much we've gotten done. I'm so proud of us and I hope we can relax and enjoy our vacation now! The week we get back will be so busy. I will have to finish up everything at school Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, then Wednesday night is our child care class and Thursday night is our CPR class. I also have an autism workshop all day Thursday and Friday, then the social worker comes Sunday, and school starts Monday! I guess I won't really be enjoying my last week of summer. Oh well, it will all be worth it!

I think I... can?

Before I begin my post- I want to ask for T&Ps for a dear friend, SM, who may suffer another miscarriage. Her scan showed some abnormalities and she's having further tests done next week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

So I've been anxiously waiting for our adoption paperwork to come. Yesterday, after another pity party filled morning (my school friends went to a waterpark without me- you know, because I couldn't possible enjoy it without kids,) I went to the mailbox to find an envelope from our agency. I also found a box full of cookies from my friend C at The Port of Indecision (love you girl!!) so it was a happy day at the mailbox. Until I opened the agency's envelope. The cookies are AMAZING, btw.

I became so OVERWHELMED and had a mini breakdown/tantrum. I knew the home study was going to be a lot of work, but I had NO IDEA. I feel like there is a huge mountain in front of me and I don't know if I'll make it to the top or other side. And just so you know I'm not kidding, let me list every requirement for you.

1. Application for child placement
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment
6. References- 5 non-relatives
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)
14. Child care class (can't wait to take that with expectant parents!)
15. Infant CPR certification
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire 
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker

So don't EVER, EVER tell anyone they can "just" adopt. That implies this process is easy. That implies that this process doesn't examine every aspect of your life. The crack whore downtown can be homeless and get KU, yet DH and I have to jump through countless hoops before we are "approved" to be parents.

I know that if I were a birth mother I would want all these things done. I get that. I also get that this is the path we're on and I might as well embrace it. I know it will be worth it, I know that. I just feel a little defeated at this point.

One of the big problems is the CPR class. DH can't get off work during the day, and he works every Saturday. So trying to find an infant or child certification class that is at night or on Sunday has been difficult for me so far. I did find one with our local FD, but they said they cancel if there aren't enough people signed up. The hospitals offer classes, but they don't certify you. So hopefully something will work out. The child care class did have a Sunday offering so that shouldn't be a problem.

So wish me luck, I guess. I'm chuggin' up the mountain....

Oh hello anger, my old friend

So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?

Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.

In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!

I think I can.. I think I can...

Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandma's house. I remember she had a copy of The Little Engine That Could and I loved reading it. When I began teaching I made sure to have a copy of it in my classroom. I remember watching the little train huff and puff and say "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." and finally make it up the big hill. I felt so proud of him. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that hill.

I had our second call with our adoption consultant, N, yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how people navigate the adoption process on their own. She has been such a huge help and she truly knows what she's doing. I would be so overwhelmed and lost without her. I spent the last 2-3 weeks working on our profile, which I thought turned out pretty well. I sent it to N last week so she could look it over and comment. She said many great things about it, but there is a lot I need to rewrite. I need to be more specific and change my language to appeal to birth mothers. Again, I'm so thankful for N because many of the things she pointed out I never would have thought of. For example, I put a picture of my nephew holding Shorty (our dog) and said she likes when he comes over to play. To me, it was obvious I was trying to say that Shorty is gentle with kids and will be gentle with ours. N said tell a specific story about how our nephew was playing with Shorty and Shorty was gentle, then end it by saying, "Shorty would love to play and be gentle with your child." Your child. Those words I must repeat over and over in the profile. I thought it would bother me to write or say it, but it really doesn't. It is her child and will be in some way forever and I need to respect and acknowledge that.

N works out of Florida and the agencies she recommended are either there or in Utah. Utah law is very adoption friendly- the birth mother can sign over consent 24 hours after the birth and it is immediately irrevocable. Don't believe the stories people tell you about birth mothers coming back for their babies. It does happen, but it's rare and most states have laws that protect the adoptive parents. A birth mother would have to prove she was either coerced or that the adoption wasn't carried out legally. The media has blown stories like this way out of proportion. Remember that book and movie, Losing Isaiah? I read and watched both. It was a private adoption and it was carried out illegally. Again, I'm so thankful for N because she works with these agencies regularly and knows they are professional and legal.

Now, let's about discount babies. I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone. It truly boggles my mind. DH and I decided we are very open to mixed races. All our nieces and nephews are biracial. DH's sister has a son who is African American and Caucasian, and DH's brother's wife is from Panama so his kids are South American (not sure if that's the right term) and Caucasian. I never thought about it before we decided on adoption, but if DH and I had a bio child it would be the only Caucasian grandchild in the family at this point! N was going through the list of agencies she gave me and many have a flat fee for Caucasian or Hispanic and a lower fee for biracial. Also, many wave their application fees if you are open to other races. N explained that there are many factors that go into it and many times a birth mother who is pregnant with a biracial child comes to the agency later and has less expenses, the state subsidizes some adoptions from other races, etc. I still don't get it. Why wouldn't anyone want those kids just as much as a Caucasian one? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people don't want society to immediately know their child is adopted. I realize that there are people who will make comments if DH and I have a child from another race. But there are stupid people everywhere who will make comments regardless of the situation. We are open to other races because we will love a child no matter what, not because it will be cheaper and/or less likely to fall through. Again, I hope I'm not offending anyone because I can see how this would be a heated issue.

So back to my title. I contacted the agency N wants us to use for our home study (we have to use an Ohio agency for this) and I'm (im)patiently waiting for a call back. I looked over their website and found the list of required documents to complete the home study. WOW. This is where I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge hill and I'm not sure if I'll make it to the top or back down. And it could take up to 2 months to complete. Ugh. Don't they know I wanted a baby like, forever ago????

I hope someday I can read The Little Engine That Could to my child and tell the story of how much I wanted him or her and how proud I am to be a mom.

"You must give up the life you've planned in order to have the life that's waiting for you."

I'm a sucker for song lyrics and quotes. I heard that quote on a TV show the other day, and it just fits so perfectly with my current situation that it stuck with me. I am giving up my dream of having biological kids with DH and that does sting (even if it's not forever.) But our adoption decision just feels so right. So right that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I know, I'm ruining my reputation as a bitter IF bitch, but I can't help it. There is a little baby out there waiting for us, and even though I can't carry him or her inside me, he or she will still be ours. Maybe part of my joy is the fact that I'm off work and not stressed right now. Who knows, but I'm going to take this happiness any way it comes. There's another song I've been listening to lately that has great lyrics. It's called "Stronger" by Sara Evans. It is about getting over an ex, but to me it feels like it's about letting go of the stupid bitch named Infertility and not letting her control my life anymore. It's the last part that really gets to me. IF and loss have changed me so much, but I've come out a better person with a stronger marriage. So take that IF, you bitch!

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Updates

I've been slacking lately on my blogging. I have no excuse now because school is out. I've officially been off for a week now and it's great! Some updates on life lately:

On June 9 I had surgery to fix my uterine septum. I started to question whether I should still have it since we aren't TTC, but since we haven't completely ruled it out for the future I figured it's worth it. Things went really well. My septum was actually a lot larger than my RE thought, and he was able to repair it. He estimates that my uterus now has 25% more surface area. When you think about a baby attaching that seems like a lot more space. It is possible that my first loss was due to attachment in a spot with poor blood supply. Of course it could have also been a crappy egg, because even though my uterus now looks better, I still have high FSH and slightly low AMH. Those things can't be fixed. So while this surgery does make things better for the future, we are still not pursuing fertility treatments.

We had our first call with the adoption consultant. I am SO glad we decided to use her. I feel so comfortable knowing there is someone on our side who will help us navigate through this difficult process. DH and I first had to listen to a 3 1/2 hour recording to get some general info and come up with any questions before the first call. A lot of the information I had already read in books, but it was good for DH to hear it. It eased a lot of our fears about open adoptions and about finalizing (the birth mother CANNOT come take her baby back!)  She gave me some great ideas about what to put in our profile so I have been working hard on it. I need to complete it by June 23, then on June 27 we have our second call with her and we will get started with our homestudy. So while I'm working hard on this profile, she is doing the legwork and finding agencies/attorneys that fit our budget and our plan. Like I said before, it's so wonderful to have her!

We did discover that we have to take out a loan to finance our adoption. It sucks, but we are fortunate enough to have some extra money to be able to finance it. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful we didn't spend a ton of money on failed fertility treatments. This adoption will probably end up costing us between $30-$40k. That is a lot- and it makes us very nervous- but at the same time we feel so much more comfortable knowing we will actually have a baby at the end of this. I still feel like this is the right path for us now. We are actually moving forward and I'm excited!