I think I... can?

Before I begin my post- I want to ask for T&Ps for a dear friend, SM, who may suffer another miscarriage. Her scan showed some abnormalities and she's having further tests done next week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

So I've been anxiously waiting for our adoption paperwork to come. Yesterday, after another pity party filled morning (my school friends went to a waterpark without me- you know, because I couldn't possible enjoy it without kids,) I went to the mailbox to find an envelope from our agency. I also found a box full of cookies from my friend C at The Port of Indecision (love you girl!!) so it was a happy day at the mailbox. Until I opened the agency's envelope. The cookies are AMAZING, btw.

I became so OVERWHELMED and had a mini breakdown/tantrum. I knew the home study was going to be a lot of work, but I had NO IDEA. I feel like there is a huge mountain in front of me and I don't know if I'll make it to the top or other side. And just so you know I'm not kidding, let me list every requirement for you.

1. Application for child placement
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment
6. References- 5 non-relatives
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)
14. Child care class (can't wait to take that with expectant parents!)
15. Infant CPR certification
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire 
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker

So don't EVER, EVER tell anyone they can "just" adopt. That implies this process is easy. That implies that this process doesn't examine every aspect of your life. The crack whore downtown can be homeless and get KU, yet DH and I have to jump through countless hoops before we are "approved" to be parents.

I know that if I were a birth mother I would want all these things done. I get that. I also get that this is the path we're on and I might as well embrace it. I know it will be worth it, I know that. I just feel a little defeated at this point.

One of the big problems is the CPR class. DH can't get off work during the day, and he works every Saturday. So trying to find an infant or child certification class that is at night or on Sunday has been difficult for me so far. I did find one with our local FD, but they said they cancel if there aren't enough people signed up. The hospitals offer classes, but they don't certify you. So hopefully something will work out. The child care class did have a Sunday offering so that shouldn't be a problem.

So wish me luck, I guess. I'm chuggin' up the mountain....

Oh hello anger, my old friend

So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?

Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.

In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!

I think I can.. I think I can...

Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandma's house. I remember she had a copy of The Little Engine That Could and I loved reading it. When I began teaching I made sure to have a copy of it in my classroom. I remember watching the little train huff and puff and say "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." and finally make it up the big hill. I felt so proud of him. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that hill.

I had our second call with our adoption consultant, N, yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how people navigate the adoption process on their own. She has been such a huge help and she truly knows what she's doing. I would be so overwhelmed and lost without her. I spent the last 2-3 weeks working on our profile, which I thought turned out pretty well. I sent it to N last week so she could look it over and comment. She said many great things about it, but there is a lot I need to rewrite. I need to be more specific and change my language to appeal to birth mothers. Again, I'm so thankful for N because many of the things she pointed out I never would have thought of. For example, I put a picture of my nephew holding Shorty (our dog) and said she likes when he comes over to play. To me, it was obvious I was trying to say that Shorty is gentle with kids and will be gentle with ours. N said tell a specific story about how our nephew was playing with Shorty and Shorty was gentle, then end it by saying, "Shorty would love to play and be gentle with your child." Your child. Those words I must repeat over and over in the profile. I thought it would bother me to write or say it, but it really doesn't. It is her child and will be in some way forever and I need to respect and acknowledge that.

N works out of Florida and the agencies she recommended are either there or in Utah. Utah law is very adoption friendly- the birth mother can sign over consent 24 hours after the birth and it is immediately irrevocable. Don't believe the stories people tell you about birth mothers coming back for their babies. It does happen, but it's rare and most states have laws that protect the adoptive parents. A birth mother would have to prove she was either coerced or that the adoption wasn't carried out legally. The media has blown stories like this way out of proportion. Remember that book and movie, Losing Isaiah? I read and watched both. It was a private adoption and it was carried out illegally. Again, I'm so thankful for N because she works with these agencies regularly and knows they are professional and legal.

Now, let's about discount babies. I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone. It truly boggles my mind. DH and I decided we are very open to mixed races. All our nieces and nephews are biracial. DH's sister has a son who is African American and Caucasian, and DH's brother's wife is from Panama so his kids are South American (not sure if that's the right term) and Caucasian. I never thought about it before we decided on adoption, but if DH and I had a bio child it would be the only Caucasian grandchild in the family at this point! N was going through the list of agencies she gave me and many have a flat fee for Caucasian or Hispanic and a lower fee for biracial. Also, many wave their application fees if you are open to other races. N explained that there are many factors that go into it and many times a birth mother who is pregnant with a biracial child comes to the agency later and has less expenses, the state subsidizes some adoptions from other races, etc. I still don't get it. Why wouldn't anyone want those kids just as much as a Caucasian one? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people don't want society to immediately know their child is adopted. I realize that there are people who will make comments if DH and I have a child from another race. But there are stupid people everywhere who will make comments regardless of the situation. We are open to other races because we will love a child no matter what, not because it will be cheaper and/or less likely to fall through. Again, I hope I'm not offending anyone because I can see how this would be a heated issue.

So back to my title. I contacted the agency N wants us to use for our home study (we have to use an Ohio agency for this) and I'm (im)patiently waiting for a call back. I looked over their website and found the list of required documents to complete the home study. WOW. This is where I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge hill and I'm not sure if I'll make it to the top or back down. And it could take up to 2 months to complete. Ugh. Don't they know I wanted a baby like, forever ago????

I hope someday I can read The Little Engine That Could to my child and tell the story of how much I wanted him or her and how proud I am to be a mom.

"You must give up the life you've planned in order to have the life that's waiting for you."

I'm a sucker for song lyrics and quotes. I heard that quote on a TV show the other day, and it just fits so perfectly with my current situation that it stuck with me. I am giving up my dream of having biological kids with DH and that does sting (even if it's not forever.) But our adoption decision just feels so right. So right that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I know, I'm ruining my reputation as a bitter IF bitch, but I can't help it. There is a little baby out there waiting for us, and even though I can't carry him or her inside me, he or she will still be ours. Maybe part of my joy is the fact that I'm off work and not stressed right now. Who knows, but I'm going to take this happiness any way it comes. There's another song I've been listening to lately that has great lyrics. It's called "Stronger" by Sara Evans. It is about getting over an ex, but to me it feels like it's about letting go of the stupid bitch named Infertility and not letting her control my life anymore. It's the last part that really gets to me. IF and loss have changed me so much, but I've come out a better person with a stronger marriage. So take that IF, you bitch!

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Updates

I've been slacking lately on my blogging. I have no excuse now because school is out. I've officially been off for a week now and it's great! Some updates on life lately:

On June 9 I had surgery to fix my uterine septum. I started to question whether I should still have it since we aren't TTC, but since we haven't completely ruled it out for the future I figured it's worth it. Things went really well. My septum was actually a lot larger than my RE thought, and he was able to repair it. He estimates that my uterus now has 25% more surface area. When you think about a baby attaching that seems like a lot more space. It is possible that my first loss was due to attachment in a spot with poor blood supply. Of course it could have also been a crappy egg, because even though my uterus now looks better, I still have high FSH and slightly low AMH. Those things can't be fixed. So while this surgery does make things better for the future, we are still not pursuing fertility treatments.

We had our first call with the adoption consultant. I am SO glad we decided to use her. I feel so comfortable knowing there is someone on our side who will help us navigate through this difficult process. DH and I first had to listen to a 3 1/2 hour recording to get some general info and come up with any questions before the first call. A lot of the information I had already read in books, but it was good for DH to hear it. It eased a lot of our fears about open adoptions and about finalizing (the birth mother CANNOT come take her baby back!)  She gave me some great ideas about what to put in our profile so I have been working hard on it. I need to complete it by June 23, then on June 27 we have our second call with her and we will get started with our homestudy. So while I'm working hard on this profile, she is doing the legwork and finding agencies/attorneys that fit our budget and our plan. Like I said before, it's so wonderful to have her!

We did discover that we have to take out a loan to finance our adoption. It sucks, but we are fortunate enough to have some extra money to be able to finance it. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful we didn't spend a ton of money on failed fertility treatments. This adoption will probably end up costing us between $30-$40k. That is a lot- and it makes us very nervous- but at the same time we feel so much more comfortable knowing we will actually have a baby at the end of this. I still feel like this is the right path for us now. We are actually moving forward and I'm excited!

Well, crap, this is a roller coaster too....

I NEVER for one minute thought building our family through adoption would be easy. In fact, I believe it will be more difficult because of all the legal aspects, possibility of a failed match, and other issues. However, I never expected our journey just to get started to be so overwhelming. I mentioned in my earlier post that I began reading Adoption for Dummies. I've since read 4 more books about adoption, and DH and I have made a complete circle. Our initial thought was to pursue domestic infant adoption. I would not mind an older child later on, but for my first I would like the infant experience. So I started researching agencies, attorneys, etc. Then DH and I had a conversation about domestic adoption (DA) and all the what-ifs and how unpredictable the timeline is. One of my adoption books has a section on your personality and how it can influence your decision to choose domestic or international. We discovered that an international adoption (IA) follows a much more specific timeline and you are a lot less likely to have a failed match. We initially ruled out international because of increased cost and travel. Then we got excited- we are such Type As- maybe international is a better choice. So I began researching all the different countries and educating myself on IA. My brother hooked me up with a wonderful woman who runs a nonprofit and had a lot of advice.

After researching different countries we became very discouraged. With IA we may be required to travel to a country more than once for up to 3-4 weeks at a time. This is just not possible with DH's job. It would be possible for me in the summer, but not during the school year. And who knows when we would receive our placement? We discovered that the wait in many countries is several years. I'm still not giving up on IA, but we determined at this point it's not for us. Maybe later on if our circumstances change.

So now we are back to our original plan- domestic infant adoption. My mom reconnected me with a couple from my hometown who adopted domestically 2 years ago. I've been emailing back and forth with the wife and she has been extremely helpful. She even sent me a copy of their "Lifebook" so I can see what goes into it. It's going to be a lot of work, so I'm glad summer is coming. This couple used a consultancy firm to help them navigate through this scary process. It is basically someone to hold our hands throughout everything until we bring our baby home. They agreed to take us on and we have our first consultation on June 6. I am so excited to get the ball rolling, but overwhelmed at how much it's going to take to get there. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

The Decision

I feel much relief and peace right now about our family. It's amazing considering how angry I've been for the past several months. DH and I have decided not to go forward with any fertility treatments at this time and to pursue adoption. We are not giving up on the possibility of a biological child, we are just choosing at this point to grow our family another way. It feels so strange because we've been on such a roller coaster since we started TTC, yet we came to this decision easily. I guess (as corny as it sounds- I don't want to ruin my reputation as a bitter IF bitch) maybe that means it's the right decision for us.

I am going to go ahead with the surgery to fix my uterine septum on June 9, as it is not a difficult surgery and I want the peace of mind if I ever do conceive again.

I've been reading Adoption for Dummies since my disappointing RE appointment back on April 1. It is a little discouraging as it goes through all the steps and requirements to adopt and the many complications that can arise. I know this isn't going to be an easy road; that's not why we chose this option. But IUIs with injectables and IVF weren't going to be easy either.

It feels so strange to be "coming out" with this decision. My heart feels lighter than it has felt in months. I know adoption is not for everyone, and I hope I will still have the wonderful support of the IF blogging community though I'm not longer pursuing fertility treatments (they are not off the table for the future). I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what I write and also to comment. It means a lot!