Well, I'm still pregnant. My last beta came back at over 35,000. The progesterone supplements are really working because my progesterone was 47. So all the leaking and feeling like I've wet myself is worth it, thank goodness.
It still feels very surreal. I overheard DH telling his dad last night, "We'll see if it works out. We aren't getting our hopes up." I know he is just being guarded, but it makes me so sad that we have to be this way. I was watching Tori and Dean (which I will NEVER watch again because a friend pointed out an awful comment she made about Dean's ex-wife and her infertility), but anyway, she gets pregnant and gives him the pee stick in a box on Valentine's Day. He's so excited. In his world pregnancy = baby.
I'm not trying to be negative. I really am excited about this pregnancy and the possibility of a baby. I keep thinking that this has to work out because if it doesn't, it's an awfully cruel joke for the universe to play on me. I had given up this dream.I didn't think I would see my belly grow or get to watch a child grow up to look like DH and me. I felt that adoption was the right choice for us. But now....now I think about all the things I had given up and I want them again. I want them more than I wanted them before. It would be cruel to take that away again, universe.
Right after our miscarriage, DH got me a peridot ring to honor the baby who would have been due August 2010. If I'm calculating right, this baby will be due in August 2012. I was shopping with a friend last weekend and I found an elephant bracelet, but it wasn't just an elephant. It had a peridot stone on it too. It wasn't like they had a bunch of elephant bracelets with different stones- peridot was the only stone the bracelet was made with. It must be a sign, right, elephants and peridot? My August baby is back? If not, at least I already have the birthstone ring. Sorry- I hate to even type that- but I live in a world where pregnancy doesn't always = baby. If only I could be blissfully ignorant like Tori and Dean.
I have my first ultrasound on Monday. According to my LMP, I should be just 6 weeks. It may be too early for a heartbeat but hopefully we can make sure everything is in the right place. I just keep telling myself that this is out of my control. The only thing I can do is take care of my body. Whatever happens will just happen. But please, please universe, let us keep this baby.....
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Urban Legends
We've all heard them. You know, the cousin's brother's sister's friend's second cousin who got pregnant after doctors told her she was infertile and she had 3 failed rounds of IVF. The friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of someone you don't even know who decided to adopt or completed an adoption and then got pregnant. Those stories suck, and they are NOT at ALL encouraging. If you are a member of the IF community, those stories just piss you off. I WILL NOT be one of those stories.
Yes, I got pregnant after deciding to adopt. Yes, it was a surprise. But if you look at it statistically, it's been two years since I was pregnant the first time. My RE never said it was impossible for me to get pregnant, he just said it would be difficult. Hence the 2 years to get another BFP. It's not because I relaxed, or some stupid bullshit like that. Trust me, I haven't been relaxed.
My friend T is an urban legend. So is my friend C. T is going to make us t-shirts or something because WE DEFIED THE ODDS and got pregnant! Whatever. ::eyeroll:: (T- I secretly love the t-shirt idea, but don't tell anyone).
I guess the whole point of this post is that I don't want people telling stories about me. I don't want to be the friend of a friend of a friend you knew online who decided to adopt and then got pregnant. Again, those stories SUCK. I also know that there is no guarantee I will get to meet this baby. And just because it happens for some of us, does not mean it happens for all of us.
Somehow, my first two betas came back great (1,649 and 3,482). My progesterone is also good, although I am on supplements now as a precaution. This is still so surreal to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it. I am an urban legend, after all.
Yes, I got pregnant after deciding to adopt. Yes, it was a surprise. But if you look at it statistically, it's been two years since I was pregnant the first time. My RE never said it was impossible for me to get pregnant, he just said it would be difficult. Hence the 2 years to get another BFP. It's not because I relaxed, or some stupid bullshit like that. Trust me, I haven't been relaxed.
My friend T is an urban legend. So is my friend C. T is going to make us t-shirts or something because WE DEFIED THE ODDS and got pregnant! Whatever. ::eyeroll:: (T- I secretly love the t-shirt idea, but don't tell anyone).
I guess the whole point of this post is that I don't want people telling stories about me. I don't want to be the friend of a friend of a friend you knew online who decided to adopt and then got pregnant. Again, those stories SUCK. I also know that there is no guarantee I will get to meet this baby. And just because it happens for some of us, does not mean it happens for all of us.
Somehow, my first two betas came back great (1,649 and 3,482). My progesterone is also good, although I am on supplements now as a precaution. This is still so surreal to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it. I am an urban legend, after all.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Disbelief
I've been waiting for AF to come because I was going to try my Diva Cup (I've been afraid ever since my Instead Cup incident). Anyway, she was supposed to come Thursday night or Friday, and my cycles have always been regular. This afternoon I was drowning in my self-pity as usual, so I decided to take a leftover pregnancy test. I figured I'd take the test and then AF would come right after because she's a bitch like that. I also figured that a negative test would give me more self-pity to wallow in.
For some reason the test was POSITIVE. It only took about 20 seconds for the second line to appear. I was shocked. I thought it was an old test so it must be wrong. I went out and bought 3 more tests. ALL POSITIVE.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure DH and I only had sex a couple of times this cycle (we've been busy and tired- stop judging!). I haven't been charting or keeping track of anything because technically we aren't TTC. We just aren't preventing. I do remember having ovulation cramps (at least I assumed they were) this cycle but I can't recall if we actually did it that day. I really can't believe this happened.
Cue the panic. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and this was a dream, or I'll wake up to AF. Each time I've gone to the bathroom since this afternoon I'm checking for blood. Last time the bleeding started at around 6 weeks because of an SCH, then at 8 weeks my baby was gone. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been pregnant before. I let myself get excited, only to have my world turned upside down. I really hope the universe isn't playing some awful trick on us. I really thought adoption was it for us. Maybe it still will be, but I really hope we get to keep this baby. Can we just fast forward through time so I can see how this ends?
For some reason the test was POSITIVE. It only took about 20 seconds for the second line to appear. I was shocked. I thought it was an old test so it must be wrong. I went out and bought 3 more tests. ALL POSITIVE.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure DH and I only had sex a couple of times this cycle (we've been busy and tired- stop judging!). I haven't been charting or keeping track of anything because technically we aren't TTC. We just aren't preventing. I do remember having ovulation cramps (at least I assumed they were) this cycle but I can't recall if we actually did it that day. I really can't believe this happened.
Cue the panic. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and this was a dream, or I'll wake up to AF. Each time I've gone to the bathroom since this afternoon I'm checking for blood. Last time the bleeding started at around 6 weeks because of an SCH, then at 8 weeks my baby was gone. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been pregnant before. I let myself get excited, only to have my world turned upside down. I really hope the universe isn't playing some awful trick on us. I really thought adoption was it for us. Maybe it still will be, but I really hope we get to keep this baby. Can we just fast forward through time so I can see how this ends?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Not Chosen
At least we're not waiting any more. Even though I said I was expecting a "no," this still sucks.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Almost Tattoo
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a wonderful support group of women I met online after my miscarriage. The elephant has always been a symbol of strength and remembrance for us. Women and elephants never forget. I've wanted an elephant tattoo for several months. I have an elephant pendant that I love, and I just wanted a teeny tiny version of it on my foot. I already have a tattoo on the back of my right hip, a butterfly I got when I was 18. I never regretted getting that tattoo, and it means more to me now that the butterfly is part of the symbol for pregnancy loss awareness. I wasn't scared of getting a tattoo (okay, I was a little worried about the pain) but I had done it before so I wasn't panicking about getting something permanent on my body.
I decided this week would be the perfect time to get my tattoo because I was off work. I worried that my foot would be sore and it would be hard to wear certain shoes, so this was perfect because I could be off my feet for a few days. On Monday, my friend C and I went to a local tattoo parlor that a friend recommended. I was nervous, but mostly just being wimpy about the pain. I showed the artist my necklace and he said he could do a tiny version of it. They were booked for the day, so I made an appointment to come back Wednesday.
Again, I wasn't nervous about the permanence of things, just worried it would be painful. I knew I really wanted this, as I'd been thinking about it for some time. On Wednesday, C and I arrived at the parlor and the artist took my necklace and used it to make a drawing of the tattoo. I loved his design. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked him if he could make it a little smaller though, like the size of a quarter or nickel. He said he could make it a little smaller but not too much because it may start to blur and I may not be able to see what it was. I had this vision in my head of the tattoo being so small that I could cover it up with one of those circular band-aids if I wanted to hide it. As I teacher I felt that there may be some professional times I would want to hide it.
In the chair I went. We discussed where on my foot the tattoo should be placed. I really wanted it low, closer to the sole of my foot but the artist said it shouldn't be in a place where my shoe might rub a lot. So we decided on my ankle, which really wasn't my plan but I was still comfortable with everything at that point. He put the print on my ankle, and I really started to look at it. It was 3 or 4 times the size of what I wanted. I said several times, "I think it's too big." I kept looking at C and asking her opinion. She didn't want to tell me either way because it was MY tattoo and she didn't want to influence me. The artist kept telling me it wasn't too big (but he's covered in tattoos). I was envisioning reading a story on the carpet to my second graders and having them ask "What is that on your ankle?" over and over. Again, in my mind this tattoo teeny tiny and could be covered with a small band-aid. The artist said again that he didn't want to do it any smaller and he didn't think it was too big.
I felt very uncomfortable. I was putting this on my body FOREVER. So I made the decision to leave. I told the artist I loved his design (which I did) but this was just so much bigger than I wanted and I'd have to think about it longer or choose another place on my body. I felt like an ass after he spent time making the design, but I would feel like a bigger ass if I had gotten something permanent on my body that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.
I may try a different artist to see if it can be done smaller, but for now the tattoo is on hold. The design is so cute, but I don't regret leaving. I know I would regret having a huge (in my mind) elephant on my ankle. Oh and after we left C said, "Yeah, that was too big but I wanted you to make the decision." Here is a pic of the almost tattoo.
I decided this week would be the perfect time to get my tattoo because I was off work. I worried that my foot would be sore and it would be hard to wear certain shoes, so this was perfect because I could be off my feet for a few days. On Monday, my friend C and I went to a local tattoo parlor that a friend recommended. I was nervous, but mostly just being wimpy about the pain. I showed the artist my necklace and he said he could do a tiny version of it. They were booked for the day, so I made an appointment to come back Wednesday.
Again, I wasn't nervous about the permanence of things, just worried it would be painful. I knew I really wanted this, as I'd been thinking about it for some time. On Wednesday, C and I arrived at the parlor and the artist took my necklace and used it to make a drawing of the tattoo. I loved his design. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked him if he could make it a little smaller though, like the size of a quarter or nickel. He said he could make it a little smaller but not too much because it may start to blur and I may not be able to see what it was. I had this vision in my head of the tattoo being so small that I could cover it up with one of those circular band-aids if I wanted to hide it. As I teacher I felt that there may be some professional times I would want to hide it.
In the chair I went. We discussed where on my foot the tattoo should be placed. I really wanted it low, closer to the sole of my foot but the artist said it shouldn't be in a place where my shoe might rub a lot. So we decided on my ankle, which really wasn't my plan but I was still comfortable with everything at that point. He put the print on my ankle, and I really started to look at it. It was 3 or 4 times the size of what I wanted. I said several times, "I think it's too big." I kept looking at C and asking her opinion. She didn't want to tell me either way because it was MY tattoo and she didn't want to influence me. The artist kept telling me it wasn't too big (but he's covered in tattoos). I was envisioning reading a story on the carpet to my second graders and having them ask "What is that on your ankle?" over and over. Again, in my mind this tattoo teeny tiny and could be covered with a small band-aid. The artist said again that he didn't want to do it any smaller and he didn't think it was too big.
I felt very uncomfortable. I was putting this on my body FOREVER. So I made the decision to leave. I told the artist I loved his design (which I did) but this was just so much bigger than I wanted and I'd have to think about it longer or choose another place on my body. I felt like an ass after he spent time making the design, but I would feel like a bigger ass if I had gotten something permanent on my body that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.
I may try a different artist to see if it can be done smaller, but for now the tattoo is on hold. The design is so cute, but I don't regret leaving. I know I would regret having a huge (in my mind) elephant on my ankle. Oh and after we left C said, "Yeah, that was too big but I wanted you to make the decision." Here is a pic of the almost tattoo.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Very peculiar... (updated)
Something really strange happened today. I hope you can keep up with me because it's a little complicated. Two of the three agencies we are working with post their birthmother information online (they give us a user name and password after we are active). One agency (we'll call them #1) only posts race, due date, and cost of adoption and then we call to get more info. The other (#2) posts more, including initials, age, and specifics about prenatal care and support in the adoption, and they call us if we are being considered. #1 is the agency currently showing us. We were given many details about the situation so we can make an informed decision, so I have more than a page of notes on the birthmother and birthfather for this situation.
I decided to get on agency #2's website today just to see if any new birthmothers had been posted. Imagine my surprise to see a situation that looked EXACTLY like the one we are currently being presented to with agency #1. I remember seeing this situation on agency #2's website several weeks ago, and I wondered why we hadn't been called because it fit our budget and preferences.
I decided to call agency #1 and let them know what I saw. I spoke with the our adoption coordinator for this situation and she said it was probably just a coincidence. She was very nice but pretty much dismissed me. Then she called back a few minutes later. She said "Wow, that is really strange, those details are the same as our birthmother's even down to the initials and age." She did say that sometimes agency #2 will post information about a birthmother as soon as they get an application- before they've even started working with her. I'm hoping that's the case and this birthmother applied with both agency but just decided to go with agency #1 instead. Agency #1 assured me that they are looking into it and will get to the bottom of what's going on. Our coordinator didn't say that we haven't been chosen, so I'm assuming the birthmother is still looking at all the profiles and we haven't been ruled out.
Phew. Hope that makes sense. I feel a little uneasy now......
UPDATE: Our coordinator, who's been wonderful, called again last night to let me know what's going. They went and talked to the birthmother yesterday. Apparently she applied at agency #2, but didn't feel as comfortable there so she never pursued it. Agency #1 and #2 use the same doctors so agency #1 did check with the doctors to make sure birthmother hasn't been in with more than one agency. I'm glad this is settled, but it makes me question agency #2. Why are they putting her information on their website if the birthmother isn't fully committed to work with them? I don't understand that. But the coordinator did say that birthmother has looked at profiles, but she is waiting to talk with birthfather so they can make a final decision. So we are still "in the running." To be honest, I'm just waiting for the phone call that we weren't chosen. I just can't imagine that we'd actually get a baby......
I decided to get on agency #2's website today just to see if any new birthmothers had been posted. Imagine my surprise to see a situation that looked EXACTLY like the one we are currently being presented to with agency #1. I remember seeing this situation on agency #2's website several weeks ago, and I wondered why we hadn't been called because it fit our budget and preferences.
I decided to call agency #1 and let them know what I saw. I spoke with the our adoption coordinator for this situation and she said it was probably just a coincidence. She was very nice but pretty much dismissed me. Then she called back a few minutes later. She said "Wow, that is really strange, those details are the same as our birthmother's even down to the initials and age." She did say that sometimes agency #2 will post information about a birthmother as soon as they get an application- before they've even started working with her. I'm hoping that's the case and this birthmother applied with both agency but just decided to go with agency #1 instead. Agency #1 assured me that they are looking into it and will get to the bottom of what's going on. Our coordinator didn't say that we haven't been chosen, so I'm assuming the birthmother is still looking at all the profiles and we haven't been ruled out.
Phew. Hope that makes sense. I feel a little uneasy now......
UPDATE: Our coordinator, who's been wonderful, called again last night to let me know what's going. They went and talked to the birthmother yesterday. Apparently she applied at agency #2, but didn't feel as comfortable there so she never pursued it. Agency #1 and #2 use the same doctors so agency #1 did check with the doctors to make sure birthmother hasn't been in with more than one agency. I'm glad this is settled, but it makes me question agency #2. Why are they putting her information on their website if the birthmother isn't fully committed to work with them? I don't understand that. But the coordinator did say that birthmother has looked at profiles, but she is waiting to talk with birthfather so they can make a final decision. So we are still "in the running." To be honest, I'm just waiting for the phone call that we weren't chosen. I just can't imagine that we'd actually get a baby......
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Our first showing!
That title makes it sound like we're selling our house or something.
So I was wallowing pretty deep in my own self-pity on Saturday when my phone rang. It was one of the agencies calling to see if we'd be interested in being shown to a birth mother. They call it a "situation" so that's what I will call it from here on. We've had to turn down several situations because they were just way over our budget. This one is within our budget (at the top-but doable) and the information we were given was very positive. The agency tries to give us as much info on the birth parents as possible before we make the decision to be shown, because if she chooses us once we're shown, we can't back out. DH is much more cautious than me, so we had a long talk about this. At first he was reluctant, but then we sat and discussed the reasons we would say no, and they really weren't all that valid. I keep telling myself "If this isn't meant to be our baby, then she won't pick us." So we are being shown tomorrow morning. I know the birth parents will see several profiles so there is only a small chance they will choose us, but I can't help being excited. Just the fact that we're considered means we meet some of their initial preferences. I'm also terrified. This could actually happen! The agency will let us know either way in about a week. If you could spare any positive thoughts, DH and I would really appreciate them.
So I was wallowing pretty deep in my own self-pity on Saturday when my phone rang. It was one of the agencies calling to see if we'd be interested in being shown to a birth mother. They call it a "situation" so that's what I will call it from here on. We've had to turn down several situations because they were just way over our budget. This one is within our budget (at the top-but doable) and the information we were given was very positive. The agency tries to give us as much info on the birth parents as possible before we make the decision to be shown, because if she chooses us once we're shown, we can't back out. DH is much more cautious than me, so we had a long talk about this. At first he was reluctant, but then we sat and discussed the reasons we would say no, and they really weren't all that valid. I keep telling myself "If this isn't meant to be our baby, then she won't pick us." So we are being shown tomorrow morning. I know the birth parents will see several profiles so there is only a small chance they will choose us, but I can't help being excited. Just the fact that we're considered means we meet some of their initial preferences. I'm also terrified. This could actually happen! The agency will let us know either way in about a week. If you could spare any positive thoughts, DH and I would really appreciate them.
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