I've been waiting for AF to come because I was going to try my Diva Cup (I've been afraid ever since my Instead Cup incident). Anyway, she was supposed to come Thursday night or Friday, and my cycles have always been regular. This afternoon I was drowning in my self-pity as usual, so I decided to take a leftover pregnancy test. I figured I'd take the test and then AF would come right after because she's a bitch like that. I also figured that a negative test would give me more self-pity to wallow in.
For some reason the test was POSITIVE. It only took about 20 seconds for the second line to appear. I was shocked. I thought it was an old test so it must be wrong. I went out and bought 3 more tests. ALL POSITIVE.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure DH and I only had sex a couple of times this cycle (we've been busy and tired- stop judging!). I haven't been charting or keeping track of anything because technically we aren't TTC. We just aren't preventing. I do remember having ovulation cramps (at least I assumed they were) this cycle but I can't recall if we actually did it that day. I really can't believe this happened.
Cue the panic. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and this was a dream, or I'll wake up to AF. Each time I've gone to the bathroom since this afternoon I'm checking for blood. Last time the bleeding started at around 6 weeks because of an SCH, then at 8 weeks my baby was gone. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been pregnant before. I let myself get excited, only to have my world turned upside down. I really hope the universe isn't playing some awful trick on us. I really thought adoption was it for us. Maybe it still will be, but I really hope we get to keep this baby. Can we just fast forward through time so I can see how this ends?
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Not Chosen
At least we're not waiting any more. Even though I said I was expecting a "no," this still sucks.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Almost Tattoo
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a wonderful support group of women I met online after my miscarriage. The elephant has always been a symbol of strength and remembrance for us. Women and elephants never forget. I've wanted an elephant tattoo for several months. I have an elephant pendant that I love, and I just wanted a teeny tiny version of it on my foot. I already have a tattoo on the back of my right hip, a butterfly I got when I was 18. I never regretted getting that tattoo, and it means more to me now that the butterfly is part of the symbol for pregnancy loss awareness. I wasn't scared of getting a tattoo (okay, I was a little worried about the pain) but I had done it before so I wasn't panicking about getting something permanent on my body.
I decided this week would be the perfect time to get my tattoo because I was off work. I worried that my foot would be sore and it would be hard to wear certain shoes, so this was perfect because I could be off my feet for a few days. On Monday, my friend C and I went to a local tattoo parlor that a friend recommended. I was nervous, but mostly just being wimpy about the pain. I showed the artist my necklace and he said he could do a tiny version of it. They were booked for the day, so I made an appointment to come back Wednesday.
Again, I wasn't nervous about the permanence of things, just worried it would be painful. I knew I really wanted this, as I'd been thinking about it for some time. On Wednesday, C and I arrived at the parlor and the artist took my necklace and used it to make a drawing of the tattoo. I loved his design. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked him if he could make it a little smaller though, like the size of a quarter or nickel. He said he could make it a little smaller but not too much because it may start to blur and I may not be able to see what it was. I had this vision in my head of the tattoo being so small that I could cover it up with one of those circular band-aids if I wanted to hide it. As I teacher I felt that there may be some professional times I would want to hide it.
In the chair I went. We discussed where on my foot the tattoo should be placed. I really wanted it low, closer to the sole of my foot but the artist said it shouldn't be in a place where my shoe might rub a lot. So we decided on my ankle, which really wasn't my plan but I was still comfortable with everything at that point. He put the print on my ankle, and I really started to look at it. It was 3 or 4 times the size of what I wanted. I said several times, "I think it's too big." I kept looking at C and asking her opinion. She didn't want to tell me either way because it was MY tattoo and she didn't want to influence me. The artist kept telling me it wasn't too big (but he's covered in tattoos). I was envisioning reading a story on the carpet to my second graders and having them ask "What is that on your ankle?" over and over. Again, in my mind this tattoo teeny tiny and could be covered with a small band-aid. The artist said again that he didn't want to do it any smaller and he didn't think it was too big.
I felt very uncomfortable. I was putting this on my body FOREVER. So I made the decision to leave. I told the artist I loved his design (which I did) but this was just so much bigger than I wanted and I'd have to think about it longer or choose another place on my body. I felt like an ass after he spent time making the design, but I would feel like a bigger ass if I had gotten something permanent on my body that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.
I may try a different artist to see if it can be done smaller, but for now the tattoo is on hold. The design is so cute, but I don't regret leaving. I know I would regret having a huge (in my mind) elephant on my ankle. Oh and after we left C said, "Yeah, that was too big but I wanted you to make the decision." Here is a pic of the almost tattoo.
I decided this week would be the perfect time to get my tattoo because I was off work. I worried that my foot would be sore and it would be hard to wear certain shoes, so this was perfect because I could be off my feet for a few days. On Monday, my friend C and I went to a local tattoo parlor that a friend recommended. I was nervous, but mostly just being wimpy about the pain. I showed the artist my necklace and he said he could do a tiny version of it. They were booked for the day, so I made an appointment to come back Wednesday.
Again, I wasn't nervous about the permanence of things, just worried it would be painful. I knew I really wanted this, as I'd been thinking about it for some time. On Wednesday, C and I arrived at the parlor and the artist took my necklace and used it to make a drawing of the tattoo. I loved his design. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked him if he could make it a little smaller though, like the size of a quarter or nickel. He said he could make it a little smaller but not too much because it may start to blur and I may not be able to see what it was. I had this vision in my head of the tattoo being so small that I could cover it up with one of those circular band-aids if I wanted to hide it. As I teacher I felt that there may be some professional times I would want to hide it.
In the chair I went. We discussed where on my foot the tattoo should be placed. I really wanted it low, closer to the sole of my foot but the artist said it shouldn't be in a place where my shoe might rub a lot. So we decided on my ankle, which really wasn't my plan but I was still comfortable with everything at that point. He put the print on my ankle, and I really started to look at it. It was 3 or 4 times the size of what I wanted. I said several times, "I think it's too big." I kept looking at C and asking her opinion. She didn't want to tell me either way because it was MY tattoo and she didn't want to influence me. The artist kept telling me it wasn't too big (but he's covered in tattoos). I was envisioning reading a story on the carpet to my second graders and having them ask "What is that on your ankle?" over and over. Again, in my mind this tattoo teeny tiny and could be covered with a small band-aid. The artist said again that he didn't want to do it any smaller and he didn't think it was too big.
I felt very uncomfortable. I was putting this on my body FOREVER. So I made the decision to leave. I told the artist I loved his design (which I did) but this was just so much bigger than I wanted and I'd have to think about it longer or choose another place on my body. I felt like an ass after he spent time making the design, but I would feel like a bigger ass if I had gotten something permanent on my body that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.
I may try a different artist to see if it can be done smaller, but for now the tattoo is on hold. The design is so cute, but I don't regret leaving. I know I would regret having a huge (in my mind) elephant on my ankle. Oh and after we left C said, "Yeah, that was too big but I wanted you to make the decision." Here is a pic of the almost tattoo.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Very peculiar... (updated)
Something really strange happened today. I hope you can keep up with me because it's a little complicated. Two of the three agencies we are working with post their birthmother information online (they give us a user name and password after we are active). One agency (we'll call them #1) only posts race, due date, and cost of adoption and then we call to get more info. The other (#2) posts more, including initials, age, and specifics about prenatal care and support in the adoption, and they call us if we are being considered. #1 is the agency currently showing us. We were given many details about the situation so we can make an informed decision, so I have more than a page of notes on the birthmother and birthfather for this situation.
I decided to get on agency #2's website today just to see if any new birthmothers had been posted. Imagine my surprise to see a situation that looked EXACTLY like the one we are currently being presented to with agency #1. I remember seeing this situation on agency #2's website several weeks ago, and I wondered why we hadn't been called because it fit our budget and preferences.
I decided to call agency #1 and let them know what I saw. I spoke with the our adoption coordinator for this situation and she said it was probably just a coincidence. She was very nice but pretty much dismissed me. Then she called back a few minutes later. She said "Wow, that is really strange, those details are the same as our birthmother's even down to the initials and age." She did say that sometimes agency #2 will post information about a birthmother as soon as they get an application- before they've even started working with her. I'm hoping that's the case and this birthmother applied with both agency but just decided to go with agency #1 instead. Agency #1 assured me that they are looking into it and will get to the bottom of what's going on. Our coordinator didn't say that we haven't been chosen, so I'm assuming the birthmother is still looking at all the profiles and we haven't been ruled out.
Phew. Hope that makes sense. I feel a little uneasy now......
UPDATE: Our coordinator, who's been wonderful, called again last night to let me know what's going. They went and talked to the birthmother yesterday. Apparently she applied at agency #2, but didn't feel as comfortable there so she never pursued it. Agency #1 and #2 use the same doctors so agency #1 did check with the doctors to make sure birthmother hasn't been in with more than one agency. I'm glad this is settled, but it makes me question agency #2. Why are they putting her information on their website if the birthmother isn't fully committed to work with them? I don't understand that. But the coordinator did say that birthmother has looked at profiles, but she is waiting to talk with birthfather so they can make a final decision. So we are still "in the running." To be honest, I'm just waiting for the phone call that we weren't chosen. I just can't imagine that we'd actually get a baby......
I decided to get on agency #2's website today just to see if any new birthmothers had been posted. Imagine my surprise to see a situation that looked EXACTLY like the one we are currently being presented to with agency #1. I remember seeing this situation on agency #2's website several weeks ago, and I wondered why we hadn't been called because it fit our budget and preferences.
I decided to call agency #1 and let them know what I saw. I spoke with the our adoption coordinator for this situation and she said it was probably just a coincidence. She was very nice but pretty much dismissed me. Then she called back a few minutes later. She said "Wow, that is really strange, those details are the same as our birthmother's even down to the initials and age." She did say that sometimes agency #2 will post information about a birthmother as soon as they get an application- before they've even started working with her. I'm hoping that's the case and this birthmother applied with both agency but just decided to go with agency #1 instead. Agency #1 assured me that they are looking into it and will get to the bottom of what's going on. Our coordinator didn't say that we haven't been chosen, so I'm assuming the birthmother is still looking at all the profiles and we haven't been ruled out.
Phew. Hope that makes sense. I feel a little uneasy now......
UPDATE: Our coordinator, who's been wonderful, called again last night to let me know what's going. They went and talked to the birthmother yesterday. Apparently she applied at agency #2, but didn't feel as comfortable there so she never pursued it. Agency #1 and #2 use the same doctors so agency #1 did check with the doctors to make sure birthmother hasn't been in with more than one agency. I'm glad this is settled, but it makes me question agency #2. Why are they putting her information on their website if the birthmother isn't fully committed to work with them? I don't understand that. But the coordinator did say that birthmother has looked at profiles, but she is waiting to talk with birthfather so they can make a final decision. So we are still "in the running." To be honest, I'm just waiting for the phone call that we weren't chosen. I just can't imagine that we'd actually get a baby......
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Our first showing!
That title makes it sound like we're selling our house or something.
So I was wallowing pretty deep in my own self-pity on Saturday when my phone rang. It was one of the agencies calling to see if we'd be interested in being shown to a birth mother. They call it a "situation" so that's what I will call it from here on. We've had to turn down several situations because they were just way over our budget. This one is within our budget (at the top-but doable) and the information we were given was very positive. The agency tries to give us as much info on the birth parents as possible before we make the decision to be shown, because if she chooses us once we're shown, we can't back out. DH is much more cautious than me, so we had a long talk about this. At first he was reluctant, but then we sat and discussed the reasons we would say no, and they really weren't all that valid. I keep telling myself "If this isn't meant to be our baby, then she won't pick us." So we are being shown tomorrow morning. I know the birth parents will see several profiles so there is only a small chance they will choose us, but I can't help being excited. Just the fact that we're considered means we meet some of their initial preferences. I'm also terrified. This could actually happen! The agency will let us know either way in about a week. If you could spare any positive thoughts, DH and I would really appreciate them.
So I was wallowing pretty deep in my own self-pity on Saturday when my phone rang. It was one of the agencies calling to see if we'd be interested in being shown to a birth mother. They call it a "situation" so that's what I will call it from here on. We've had to turn down several situations because they were just way over our budget. This one is within our budget (at the top-but doable) and the information we were given was very positive. The agency tries to give us as much info on the birth parents as possible before we make the decision to be shown, because if she chooses us once we're shown, we can't back out. DH is much more cautious than me, so we had a long talk about this. At first he was reluctant, but then we sat and discussed the reasons we would say no, and they really weren't all that valid. I keep telling myself "If this isn't meant to be our baby, then she won't pick us." So we are being shown tomorrow morning. I know the birth parents will see several profiles so there is only a small chance they will choose us, but I can't help being excited. Just the fact that we're considered means we meet some of their initial preferences. I'm also terrified. This could actually happen! The agency will let us know either way in about a week. If you could spare any positive thoughts, DH and I would really appreciate them.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Waiting for a change
You are all invited to my pity party. I've been throwing it for myself for about two weeks. With the holidays coming I just can't seem to get out of my funk. DH and I went out after Halloween to check out the decorations and costumes the stores had marked down. I remember last year thinking that next year hopefully we would be able to look at kid's costumes. It's next year. And I still couldn't look at kid's costumes. That really got to me, and with Christmas and New Year's coming up I can't help but think nothing has changed. We still don't have a baby. I really just want to crawl into a hole and come out in February, because my birthday is in January and last year I turned 30. Again, I thought my 31st birthday would surely be different different. January will be here before I know it and things aren't looking good.
I try to remind myself that we have come a long way. We jumped through countless hoops to complete our home study and also to be active with our agencies. But actually holding my own baby just seems so far away. Honestly, it seems impossible. I was shopping a friend's baby registry online the other day (actually going into a baby store may be the end of me). So I was looking through the things she and her husband and registered for, and while I'm thrilled for her, it just feels like my DH and I will never get to do that. Will we ever get to pick out a crib? Can we pick out a stroller and car seat? Don't even get me started on baby names..... that will never happen. At least it feels that way.
Waaaahhh, waaaahh, waahh. I know. I should get over myself and stop throwing pity parties. I should be grateful for the wonderful family I do have. And I am. I am SO thankful for my husband, my wonderful family, my in-laws, and my friends. I am blessed with a great support system. I know that. But it's not enough. Those people can't give me a baby. A life with DH and I, just the two of us, is not the life I want. I love him so much, but it can't be the two of us forever. I was meant to be a mom. I'm just tired of waiting for our lives to change.
Screw you IF, you bitch. Who is this selfish, depressed person you turned me into? It isn't fair.
I try to remind myself that we have come a long way. We jumped through countless hoops to complete our home study and also to be active with our agencies. But actually holding my own baby just seems so far away. Honestly, it seems impossible. I was shopping a friend's baby registry online the other day (actually going into a baby store may be the end of me). So I was looking through the things she and her husband and registered for, and while I'm thrilled for her, it just feels like my DH and I will never get to do that. Will we ever get to pick out a crib? Can we pick out a stroller and car seat? Don't even get me started on baby names..... that will never happen. At least it feels that way.
Waaaahhh, waaaahh, waahh. I know. I should get over myself and stop throwing pity parties. I should be grateful for the wonderful family I do have. And I am. I am SO thankful for my husband, my wonderful family, my in-laws, and my friends. I am blessed with a great support system. I know that. But it's not enough. Those people can't give me a baby. A life with DH and I, just the two of us, is not the life I want. I love him so much, but it can't be the two of us forever. I was meant to be a mom. I'm just tired of waiting for our lives to change.
Screw you IF, you bitch. Who is this selfish, depressed person you turned me into? It isn't fair.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Broken
Halloween was really difficult for me. It's so hard to watch all the families and kids when I want that so bad for myself.
I was planning to write a longer post, but I just don't have it in me.
"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
Truth is I'm barely hanging on."
--Audrey's Song by Selah
I was planning to write a longer post, but I just don't have it in me.
"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
Truth is I'm barely hanging on."
--Audrey's Song by Selah
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