Dear PETA

Are you fucking serious???? A friend in my support group linked this blog post to us. Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (a GREAT infertility blog) wrote an open letter to PETA about their vasectomy campaign. Yes, you read that right. VASECTOMY campaign. National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-30. Many of my readers suffer from infertility, so I hope you're as outraged as I am by PETA's campaign. To HONOR (yes, HONOR) National Infertility Awareness Week, PETA is offering a free vasectomy to one lucky man who has recently had his dog or cat spayed or neutered.  He can be "reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend."

From PETA: Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...

I LOVE animals. My dog is everything to me, and I got her spayed as soon as she was old enough. Animal overpopulation is a big problem in the US and I believe in being responsible and NOT breeding your pet. There are so many pets who need homes. I'm also a teacher, and I've seen my fair share of children whose parents don't give a crap about them. That DOES NOT in ANY way (yes, I am shouting) mean that infertility is justified because there are too many children in the world. Everyone deserves the chance to have their own biological children. EVERYONE. Yes, there are many children who don't have good homes. But it's not like you can go to a shelter and pick one out. I don't mean that to sound flippant but people say "Oh, you can adopt" like it's so easy. THOUSANDS of dollars, tons of paperwork, home visits, etc. are part of the process to adopt a child. IT IS NOT EASY. There are countless infertile couples waiting for a baby right now. So for PETA to imply that infertility is population control and that we should just take what we've been given and adopt is BULLSHIT.

If you agree, tell PETA that INFERTILITY IS NOT A JOKE by signing this petition.

A Waste

I should have just flushed my money down the toilet instead of paying for fertility treatments. DH's sperm was really good, but according to my blood work my FSH is extremely high which is an indication of premature ovarian failure. So apparently I don't have many eggs and the ones I do have suck. We did the IUI anyway (not sure why!!) but our next option is most likely IVF. I don't know if I want to do that. At this point I just want to punch and throw things. Fuck you in your fucking face universe.

It's all good... maybe too good

So I'm in the middle of my first fertility cycle. Things have gone fairly well, aside from a few "Clomid crazies." Are you afraid of the dark? Apparently Clomid convinces me I am. I've been waking up at night sweating and thinking that someone or something is in the house watching me. I've also had a constant feeling of anxiety during the day. I took my last dose Monday so things have subsided a little, plus I've been drugging myself up with Ambien at night.

Today was my SHG (sonohystogram), which is a test to give the doctor information about my uterus, tubes, and ovaries. A catheter is inserted and saline is squirted into the catheter so the doctor can the shape of my uterus and if fluid flows through my tubes. My right tube and right ovary looked great and had a good size follie. My left tube looked okay; the saline didn't flow as freely and the follie was smaller. I was sooo nervous about this test being painful and it was pretty similar to a pap smear. I had some mild cramping but nothing I couldn't handle. I've always had this belief that I am a wimp, but last night I was thinking about all the procedures I've had done, and I'm pretty proud of myself. I've had a cavity drilled and filled with no anesthetic, I've had Lasik (not painful but scary was hell), I had a EMG in my neck where a doctor repeated shoved a needle into my muscle, I've had a chunk of skin removed from my thigh for a biopsy (those tiny shots at the dermatologist are more painful than any other shot!), I've had multiple surgeries, and I've survived all of them (most of them alone) without incident. So maybe I'm not such a wimp after all.

So tonight I trigger, which means DH will give me an HCG shot that will induce ovulation. He is not excited about that, but he doesn't have a choice. Then tonight we have sex just to be on the safe side, and Friday morning DH goes in at 7:30 am to give his semen, and I come in at 10 a.m. for the IUI. This is when I start to think things are going too well. I'm on Spring Break this week so I haven't had to take off work. I've been free for any appointment needed. DH mentioned that he hoped our IUI would be on Friday because he is already going in late to work because of another appointment. I haven't had any cysts, the test wasn't painful, and my lining and everything looked good. It just seems too easy. I'm afraid we will pay for it in a couple of weeks when the pregnancy test is negative. I'm trying to be an optimist.... but it's difficult given the heartbreak of our TTC journey. I know I can't control the outcome by my feelings, so I guess I'll just try to be positive and wait and see. This will be the longest two week wait ever.

Here goes nothing...

It's CD3, so this morning I went in for my first appointment for the Clomid challenge. I had some blood work done and a date with the dildo cam. I don't have any large cysts, so as long as my blood work comes back okay I should be clear to start Clomid on Thursday. I feel strangely excited about this whole process, I think because we are finally doing something other than just timed intercourse (which gets VERY old). I'm not excited about the drugs or the expenses, but at least we are moving forward and will hopefully get some answers. Next week I will go in for some more blood work and another date with dildo to see if I have follicles large enough to trigger ovulation. If everything goes according to plan, we should be able to do IUI around the first of April. I hate to say it, but DH was right when he said we should wait another month before starting all this. I am in a much better place mentally (and physically!) now. I still have a little itching from time to time but it's nothing like it was. I've been able to have sex that doesn't involve burning, itching, and crying. I actually feel well--which is so nice. I attribute most of it to acupuncture, and some to the nice weather we've been having. Spring always puts me in a better mood (I think I have SAD). Also, most of my appointments will be next week, and I'm on Spring Break so I don't have to take sick time. I'm fortunate enough to have plenty of sick time to use, but I just hate being away from my students. Plus if we have to do more involved treatments such as IVF I may need that time. Who knows, maybe this will work and the universe will actually do something right for a change. I guess we'll wait and see.
Wow, look at me being an optimist....

My Heart Hurts

I hate that miscarriage and infertility has affected so many people I know and love. It's not fair. My heart hurts for you, friends. Fvck miscarriage. Fvck infertility.

I've never met you, but... (warning-- sappy post below)

I was listening to the radio the other day and I heard the new Rascal Flatts song called "I Won't Let Go." The lyrics brought tears to my eyes because they made me think of my Internet support group. My journey to have a baby has been such a huge roller coaster that I can't get off. I am so thankful to have a group of ladies to talk to who've had similar experiences. I don't know any of them in real life, yet I feel like they're some of my closest friends. I am very fortunate to have great friends IRL who have been incredibly supportive and loving, but they can't give me the same kind of support my Internet friends can. My Internet friends get it. They feel my pain. I hope I'm not offending any of my IRL friends who read this blog, because I love you all SO much and I don't know what I'd do without you either. I read somewhere once that infertility is as stressful as cancer. If you had cancer, you'd want to talk to other cancer patients, right? Some people might think I'm crazy or that's it's not healthy to be so involved with people on the computer. How can you be such good friends with people you've never met? I don't know, it just happened. They get me, they know me, and I'm so lucky to have them. I don't know where I'd be without them.


This is my first attempt at using playlist and it doesn't look quite right, but you can still listen. Enjoy!

Some relief

I met with a new acupuncturist this week. He's an MD and does it at his practice. I really like him. I felt like he took the time to listen to my issues and took me seriously. I went in Monday for an informational appointment and filled out some paperwork and on Wednesday I went for the actual treatment. He was very thorough and I could tell he read over my paperwork and was familiar with my issues. I did acupuncture for about a six weeks a year ago, mostly for anxiety. I felt that it helped and worked, but it just got to the point where I couldn't spend any more money on it. This new doctor is half of what the other place charged. He also looked over my tongue, checked my pulse, and explained his placements. The other place seemed to just quickly stick in needles and leave me to "destress" for 20-30 minutes. He didn't use electro acupuncture like I had before, just needles. He said he will try a variety of things and I'm to call him in three days to let him know how I feel so he can adjust for the next time. I just feel like he's really focused on me and I didn't feel that at the old place. They always seemed to be in a hurry there. He did some cupping on my back, which felt strange but at least I knew it wouldn't sting. The needles don't really hurt when they go in, but there are a few places that are tender and hurt for a second (inside of wrist and sides of feet!). I slept fairly well last night and generally feel better so I'm looking forward to my next treatment on Monday. I will go weekly for five weeks.

In vag news- I've felt soooo much better this cycle. I think using the Instead cups and then organic pads helped a ton. I've had some itchiness, but nothing near the misery I felt a few weeks ago. The doctor doing my acupuncture also has me taking oatmeal and vitamin E baths to soothe my skin. I am so thankful to finally have some relief. Physically feeling like crap doesn't help the emotional roller coaster I've been on since our journey to have a baby began.

As I said, I'm so thankful I feel better, but I hurt for the ladies in my group. Failed IVF cycles have left two of my friends heartbroken, a pregnant friend found out that there are serious problems with both of her twins, and another had her fifth miscarriage. I wish I could take all your pain away, friends. It's just not fair, and it's not RIGHT. I don't get why such bad things happen to good people. Sending love to you all. <3 <3