Getting older

Last night I celebrated my 30th birthday, which is January 13. Since I'm having laparoscopy on January 12 we had to celebrate a weekend early. I had a lot of fun, and I didn't have a mental breakdown like I feared. I may have had one too many shots but I didn't cry, so it was a win. I really have no issues with turning 30, except for the fact that I thought D and I would have kids by now. My attitude is mostly "How the hell did this happen? Wasn't I just in high school? Didn't I just graduate college?" On one hand time flies but on the other it passes so slowly....

Of course I couldn't help remembering that last year on my birthday I was pregnant. And the thought that I should a 4 month old baby at home now never left my mind. Loss and infertility are nasty, nasty bitches. It's like being stuck on pause.

Dear Universe

Stop shitting on my friends. Seriously. I have a dear friend who has been there for me since my loss in January. Though we've never met, I feel very close to her. First, she loses her beloved dog unexpectedly at only 6 years old. Like that isn't devastating enough, she just lost both her twins and has to have a D&C. Another close friend who's been a great support to me spent thousands on an IVF cycle that failed. I just don't get it. I have no faith left. If either of said friends are reading this, I love you both and I'm so sorry things turned out this way. FFS, universe. Go pick on someone else for awhile.

Inspirational Stories

Here's the thing about those: I don't want to hear them. I think I speak for most people going through IF. We don't care if your mother's sister's cousin's friend got pregnant after 10 years of trying. Or if your father's aunt's dog walker gave up and then got knocked up because she relaxed. Those stories DO NOT HELP. It doesn't mean it will happen for us. I have a wonderful friend at school who has been there for me this past year. She has not had a loss nor did she have trouble conceiving, so when she decided to tell me a 15 minute "inspirational" story she didn't know it would frustrate me. I love this friend dearly. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I listened. This pastor she knew couldn't conceive. He and his wife tried everything including IVF twice so they finally gave up. Then out of the blue someone the pastor had counseled at a youth retreat got pregnant at 17 and decided she wanted to give her baby to this pastor and his wife. This happened to them TWICE. Two different teenage mothers, two different free adoptions without all the paperwork, visits, and other crap adoptive parents are forced to go through. It really was a remarkable story and I know the point my friend was trying to make. She was trying to make me see that God does provide, even when you give up. But I don't want to sit around and wait for a miracle. I want to have non-scheduled, carefree sex with my husband and get knocked up without even thinking about it like so many other fertiles out there. I want to have a pregnancy without fear and worry. God can't provide that. That ship has sailed.
"Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

1 year ago

I found out I was pregnant. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. I had gone alcohol free during the 2 week wait, and I was supposed to go out to eat with a friend that night. I had tested the day before (12dpo) and got a stark white negative. I decided to test when I got home from school that day. If the test was negative, I was going to drink that night. At 13 dpo, not even with FMU, I got a faint, faint line. I called my friend and asked if pregnancy tests were like OPKs where the line had to be as dark as the control line. She said, "No, a line is a line. Go buy a digital!" So I told DH I had to get something at CVS. I was shaking the entire time. Obviously the digital came up positive. DH and I were having some kind of argument so I went and handed him the test, saying something like "I know you're mad at me, but look!" I took a picture of the digital test and showed my friend that night. "Oh, look what I got for Christmas." I was so happy. I thought I was getting the best Christmas gift ever. I went to the library and checked out all kinds of pregnancy books. I subscribed to email newsletters. I couldn't stop thinking or talking about pregnancy. I thought about how lucky we were....

Hey, guess what? It's 1 year later and I do NOT have a baby, and I have NOT  had another pregnancy. I suck. Merry effing Christmas to us.

Merry effing Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right???? Yeah. I can't even listen to Christmas music. I can't do anything Christmas related without thinking about this time last year when I thought I was getting the best gift ever. I just want it all to go away. I never thought a year would go by and I wouldn't be pregnant. DH and I are moving forward though. His SA results were not so good, so he's seeing a urologist and I'm having another laparoscopic surgery done to check for any endometriosis that might be back. My OB is also going to do an HSG to see if my tubes are open. Then I guess we'll see what's next. I'm hesitant to see an RE yet because of cost. Obviously, I want my baby no matter what the cost but I also want to pursue everything I can with my OB before we starting spending out of pocket on fertility specialists. DH has to pay a $150 consultation fee to see the urologist, which I've heard from my fellow bitters is a bargain. He thinks this is outrageous. Just wait, I told him. Hopefully he'll have some good answers for us. More waiting. I'm really tired of this lesson in patience, universe. I don't need any more tests.

Tis the Season....

To be jolly, right? I don't know about that. The holidays are going to be hard this year. I got my BFP on December 18th last year and I spent Christmas marveling about how lucky I was. Fast forward 1 year and there's no baby. But I do have one thing this year I didn't have last year, and that's my adorable puppy, Shorty. So that means I can plaster her all over my photo cards for Christmas! Last year I put a picture of our house on the cards I ordered from Shutterfly.com, but this year will be even better. Of course I would love to be putting a baby's picture on the card too, but Shorty is pretty darn cute. She even has a Christmas sweater to wear. Here are two of the cards I'm considering (of course they all have children and families on them, right? Just imagine Shorty instead.)

I don't know which one I'll chose. Shutterfly has over 800 choices! Check them out here.

Pssst…all you other bloggers out there: bloggers can get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… learn more: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Attitude changes

I'm going to try to be a better blogger. I retitled it because it was Adventures in Boring was boring, and I was being boring, so maybe now my new title will help me be more exciting and will captivated my whole audience of 9. Anyway, last weekend I had a girls "getaway" with 3 of my best friends from high school. We are all turning 30 this year so we decided to get together. Admittedly, I was dreading it because one of my friends is 25 weeks pregnant with her second child. Two under two. I thought I wouldn't be able to look at her. Then I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. It's not her fault that I can't look at pregnant people. And it's not her fault that things went smoothly for her and not me. But I'm so used to living in this bitter fog that it's hard to see things that way. I didn't start the weekend with a good attitude, but things did get easier. I had a mini-meltdown and opened up about my feelings and how horrible the last year has been. I felt so much relief after that and ended up really enjoying the weekend. I feel lucky to have friends like that. It was such a nice break from my depression and bitterness that I began the work week with a better attidude, and I actually enjoyed my job and class. Then yesterday my grandparents had a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I am so thankful and grateful that I have such a wonderful family. These past two weekends have lifted some of the fog and I'm beginning to realize that maybe not getting pregnant isn't the "end-all." At the risk of sounding like an optimist, maybe there are other things in store for me. But don't worry my fellow bitter hags, I'm sure that Thanksgiving and Christmas coming and David and I still being childless will soon put me back into my fog.....