PAIL= Parenting After Loss or Infertility.
After reading this post from a fellow PAIL blogger, this has been brewing in my head for awhile, I just haven't had much time to write. Katie and her husband just adopted a baby after years of fertility treatments, and she writes about parenthood on her blog From If to When. Suddenly you are on the other side, while those who were on the journey with you are still waiting for their happy ending. It's difficult not to feel a sense of guilt for overcoming infertility and loss. I felt it during my pregnancy and often wondered why God chose to bless me while so many others still suffer and remain childless. Katie also writes about how being a parent- whether PAIL or not- is hard. Really hard. After wanting a child so bad, you think you have to be a perfect parent, which is just not possible.
Taking care of a baby is all consuming. There are days when I am overwhelmed and all I want is a moment to myself. There have been a few days where Sadie is fussy and I feel like I can't do anything right. But I will say that PAIL has made me a better mom. Even when I'm in the thick of it- those moments when I feel like a total failure- I look at my daughter and I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful for her, especially on the tough days. Because I get to have tough days. I get to experience the exhaustion and difficulty of being a parent. Even when I'm nursing at 3 am, I can stare at Sadie and realize how lucky I am to be awake in the middle of the night with my baby. My 1% baby that my RE said I probably wouldn't have. I would never wish the pain of infertility or loss on anyone, but for me, I am grateful for it. Every day I get to look at a miracle. Not everyone can say that.
This brought tears to my eyes because I totally feel the same way. She is totally a blessing.
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