No Advice Needed, Thank You

People mean well. It's the same as the inspirational stories I wrote about before. All the stupid, insensitive comments really aren't meant to hurt or annoy me. But they do. I love how people who haven't suffered from IF or miscarriage think they need to give me advice about it. For example, one friend I called the same day of my loss said "you should really get your blood tested for a clotting disorder." Um, okay... because that's EXACTLY what I'm thinking about the day I find out my baby is DEAD. Right. I know she was just trying to help, but I found it extremely insensitive and even a year later it still upsets and annoys me. A month or so after the loss, maybe this would've been a good suggestion. But not the same day, while I'm still carrying a dead fetus inside me. (I had the blood clotting test and it was normal.) This same friend now really wants me to talk to one of her friends because this person had trouble conceiving her first child and is now going through treatments to conceive her second. The fact is, she has a child. It's not the same. Anyone who has suffered from IF or loss will probably tell you this. If someone already has a child, we look at them differently. Maybe that makes us bitter, insensitive bitches. I'm not saying that secondary IF or having a miscarriage after you have healthy children at home isn't hard. I believe it's extremely painful no matter when you suffer from it. But the fact of the matter is, those people can go home and take care of their healthy children. I came home to an empty house. I hope I'm not offending anyone who has children at home by writing this. I am not belittling your experience. I'm just saying that it's different, and those of us who don't have children and suffer from IF and loss have to face the fact that we may never have them.

So back to this friend. I should use the term loosely, as I've been trying to distance myself because all she does is cause me stress. She also said that she thinks my support group online is too "sad" for me. That maybe hearing all the sad news is making me worse. I was devastated for my two friends who recently suffered big losses. But many of the girls I started this support group with are pregnant, or have already had healthy babies. So yes, there is sad news. But there's also extremely happy news, and a lot of love and support. I received a birthday card with chocolates and a ring inside last week from a friend in the group. Totally thoughtful and unexpected. That's what a support group is. We support each other through the good, the bad, and the sad. So suck on that friend.

I got away from the title of this post. My point for writing it was that I don't need nor want advice from random strangers or well meaning friends, unless I ask for it. For my friends who read this blog-- this entry was not about any of you :). I leave you with these two quotes.
"Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble."   Sidney J. Harris
"Never give advice unless asked."  German Proverb