It's a......

GIRL. Well, maybe. The tech said she thinks it's a girl and she showed us the folds of what she thought was a labia. She also said this is "between us" and she's not "documenting it" until my anatomy scan on March 29. We are not rushing out to buy anything pink just yet. I am so excited and thankful (just for a healthy baby, not because it's a girl). My cervix looked great, but my placenta is still low (my husband joked that he's giving up sex for Lent, hahaha), so I'm still on pelvic rest. Also the fibroids are still there, but my OB doesn't seem too concerned about any of this so I guess I should follow her lead and STOP WORRYING. She told me to stop reading the pregnancy books and just enjoy this because things are looking great. I will try.

Here is the positive side of infertility and loss. I really don't think I could be more grateful for this baby. Each time I see her (or him?) on the screen or hear the heartbeat I am amazed at this miracle that I've been given. It is truly amazing how we are brought into this world. How everything lines up just right and a life is created. Even today looking at my u/s pics, I can't believe that there is this tiny human growing and developing inside my body. I feel like I am the luckiest person on the planet. I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to have what DH and I created together. Pieces of both our DNA came together to make a person. So remarkable and precious. Again, I swear I am the luckiest person alive. Is this really my life?

18 weeks! Keep growing, baby. We love you so much!

Sweet Relief

I have felt much better this week, and I am so grateful. I think it's a combination of eating smaller portions, less processed food, and acupuncture. Last week my acupuncture doc left a needle in my ear- it's a small, flesh colored bandage with a needle attached to it- and he told me to push on it when I had gallbladder pain because there's a gallbladder point in the ear. It really seemed to help. I know some people think it's hokey, but I've gone to acupuncture for a variety of things and it works. Last year during all my vag itching drama acupuncture was the ONLY thing that helped.

I had two other doctor's appointments this week, one with my primary care physician and one with my OB. The PCP appointment was a follow-up for my gallbladder, but I also asked her to swabbed my vag because I've been itching lately. I had been comfortable down there- actually I was surprised when the OB found a bacterial infection. I used the antibiotic cream for a week, but after I finished the cream I started itching. I had stopped taking my probiotics when I got a BFP (out of fear- which was a stupid move because they are SAFE!), and I think this made me more susceptible to an infection. Plus I was on progesterone suppositories for several weeks during first tri and no matter how thoroughly I washed my hands- well, I was still sticking something up my vag twice a day. Anyway, my PCP did a wet swab and looked at it under a microscope. I suspected the cream had given me a yeast infection, but she didn't see any yeast. She said my pH was a little alkaline, but otherwise healthy. On Thursday I saw my OB and she did another swab to check for bacteria. They called Friday and I was given the a-okay, no infection! I think my vag just likes to be dramatic. Now I can stop worrying about BV causing pre-term labor. But- I have a long list of other things I'm worrying about.

My next u/s is February 28. Hopefully DH will be able to come because he hasn't been to any appointments yet. It is very difficult for him to get off work. I will be 18 weeks and I'm hoping the tech will tell us the sex. Otherwise I have to wait until my anatomy scan on March 29. I don't want to wait that long, and I know DH can't come to that appointment because it's later in the day. So our fingers are crossed- but hopefully baby T's legs won't be! I think I'm starting to feel movement. I've felt little nudges and flutters, but it's so difficult to tell if it's the baby. In the meantime I've become addicted to the doppler. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my friend Miranda from my online support group loaned it to me. Thanks, Miranda- it's been a lifesaver and I so appreciate your generosity! Anyway, I started using it twice a day when I was feeling so terrible and now I can't stop. It's just such a sweet sound and so reassuring. On Thursday at the OB's office the nurse pointed out that the little whooshes I hear are the baby moving around. I think I will use it less when I feel more movement, but we'll see. Here is my 17 week bump pic. My weight has actually been down the last two weeks because of all the gallbladder drama but my belly is popping out anyway. Oh, and those are my $3 Old Navy maternity jeans from the Goodwill- score!

I love you so much, baby T. Please keep growing!

Pain, pain, go away

This was a rough week for me. Baby T is still doing great, which is the most important thing, but I have felt terrible. I've always had a fairly sensitive stomach and I get heartburn and reflux easily. So it's no surprise that pregnancy made this worse, I was expecting that. What I wasn't expecting was excruciating gallbladder pain. The Friday before the Superbowl I ate a buffalo chicken pizza for lunch, and pizza for dinner. I had a little nagging pain around my gallbladder but nothing horrible. Saturday I was okay, and Sunday I was okay until around 11 p.m. I ate lots of spicy dip at our neighbor's house during the Superbowl and had trouble sleeping because of the pain and acid in my throat. Monday morning was a little rough, but again, not too horrible. For lunch Monday I had lasagna. About 30 minutes after I ate I thought I was going to fall over. My gallbladder hurt so, so, so bad I could barely stand. I called my primary care doctor and my acupuncturist and made appointments. I don't know how I made it through the afternoon. That evening at acupuncture he put a few needles in my ear and encouraged me to go on a bland diet and not eat anything heavy. He also said that gallbladder issues are common in pregnancy. The baby takes all the good stuff and leaves the mom with the cholesterol and bad stuff. The extra estrogen from pregnancy isn't good for the gallbladder either.

Tuesday I saw my primary care doctor, Dr. S. I had only eaten bread and noodles since the night before and it seemed to help a bit, but I was still in so much pain. I can't even describe it. I felt like my rib was poking my insides or something. All I wanted to do was lay down and not move. It makes it hard to teach 20 second graders that way! Dr. S. felt around my ribs and nothing was painful to the touch, so she thought it was reflux also. She ordered an ultrasound just in case, and prescribed C.arafate to help my stomach "heal." My ultrasound was clear and showed no stones.

The next few days I continued to have horrible pain. I was following the bland diet and eating foods that are supposed to help the gallbladder, but I still hurt so much. It was hard to plan my meals, because I have just been eating whatever tasted good at the time since I became pregnant. I threw a short pity party- then I had to stop and kick myself. Come on! This is what I've wanted for so long, and I'm going to sit and cry because of pain and some diet restrictions? I'm going to feel sorry for myself because I can't eat the ice cream and cake that's in the fridge??? Get.over.it. A million women would trade places with me in a second. I got my doppler out and listened to baby T. This helped me gain perspective. So what if I can only eat bread and noodles for the next 24 for weeks? So freaking what?

Yesterday and today brought some relief. I still feel a dull ache, but it's not terrible. My mom did a lot of research for me and helped me plan some snacks and meals. She came over today and we went to the grocery. I've discovered that eating tiny portions and staying away from processed foods makes a big difference. This is healthier for baby T anyway. I hope as I continue the diet I will feel more and more relief. I recorded the baby's heartbeat on my phone so if I have pain or get frustrated I can quickly remind myself what all this is for. Whatever it takes, baby. I love you so much already!

Here is my 15 week bump pic. He or she is growing in there!

Transitioning; and first OB appointment

Here's the problem with infertility blogs. They change direction. That's not a bad thing, because the main reason they change is because of a pregnancy or adoption. I've been feeling guilty blogging about my pregnancy because I know many of my readers are still struggling. Comments and traffic have slowed down some since my BFP, and I totally understand because I've been there. It's not that people aren't happy for me, it's just that it's still not happening for them. It's difficult to read about another person's experience when it's still.not.you. I get that, and completely understand if making the transition means I lose some readers. I'm not saying that this blog will only be about pregnancy, but it is a journal for me and the pregnancy is #1 in my life right now. I'm so sorry that all of my IF friends can't make the transition. I can only hope and pray that eventually they can.

Last week I had my first appointment with my OB. I was apprehensive because I was afraid I wouldn't receive the same care I did with the RE. They took me back to for my weight and blood work, and as soon as my OB saw me she gave me a big hug and said she was so happy for me. My fears were calmed, and even more so after she listened to all of my questions and concerns even though she had a full waiting room. I had a pap and some cultures done and got to hear the baby on the Doppler. I shared with my OB that I'm concerned about my cervix because I had a biopsy and a LEEP procedure done several years ago. She said that she's not too concerned since I only had one LEEP, but I would get an ultrasound every 4 weeks to monitor my cervical length and make sure everything was okay. Then she squeezed me in for an ultrasound that day! The tech saw the my SCH is almost gone, so one less thing for me to worry about. Oh, but more things got added to the worry list after that.

I have 2 fibroids. They weren't too concerned about them- but the tech measured them so we can keep an eye on whether they grow or shrink. The RE never said a word about fibroids, nor did the tech who did my NT scan and I know she scanned my ovaries and everything for masses because she saw the SCH. I'm wondering if they just appeared in the last few weeks? I asked Dr. G.oogle about fibroids and most of the time they aren't an issue, but they can cause problems if they get too large. I also have a posterior placenta, which is very common and not really a cause for concern either because it will likely move up. For now it just means no sex and no heavy lifting.

The other problem is that I have a bacterial infection. The nurse said it's very common and not a big deal, but of course I asked Dr. G.oogle and he says many evil things about them. This prompted me to call the nurse back and freak out, and she again explained that this happens a lot and we are treating it so everything should be fine. The 2 pregnancy books I have don't make a big deal about it. I'm going back on my probiotics (never should have went off them!) and my acupuncture doc said he would start seeing me again. I think Dr. G.oogle and I should just break all ties. He is not good for my anxiety and I'm questioning his medical expertise.

In the spirit of transition to pregnancy blogging- I leave you with a 14 week bump picture and a video I made of my at home Doppler. Baby T sounds like a galloping horse at the end! I hope these two things don't make me seem like an FH- but I feel that I should embrace this miracle while I can.

Well, Hello Second Tri!

I never thought we'd meet. I graduated from the RE this week! It was bittersweet. I'm so happy to be moving into my second trimester, but I'm scared to leave the fertility office because they've been so attentive and have taken such good care of me. I've really like my OB though. She cried with me in the hospital room before my D&C two years ago and I've always felt that she cares about me as a patient. I saw her at P.anera once and she went out of her way to say hi and we talked about the Harry Potter movies. I see her on Tuesday and I plan to be very honest and tell her that my anxiety will not permit her to treat me like a normal pregnant patient. I'll let you know how that turns out.

The RE gave me a "diploma" and a baby spoon on my way out. I had to hold back tears. Even though I got pregnant naturally I still feel like they got me to this point. Also, I have a baby picture album that's already overflowing. I've had SEVEN ultrasounds now. Each one shows baby T just moving around and being totally normal. I still have the stupid SCH, but it's right at the opening of my cervix so if it were to break apart it shouldn't hurt anything. I'm hoping my body will just absorb it.

There was a bedbug situation at school today and the janitors have to bomb my room. I had to tell the nurse and the counselor that I'm pregnant, because I was worried about the chemicals. Most people that I work with already know, and my bump is getting hard to hide, but it still terrifies me to tell new people. Telling people I'm not close to means I'm admitting that this might actually happen. I got up the nerve to change my ticker on here too. Wow. I might actually have a baby. I am seriously pregnant!

Sorry (updated- u/s pic below)

I apologize for being a bad blogger. To be honest, I'm having trouble transitioning- from "infertile" to "pregnant lady" on my blog. I feel a little guilty writing about it because many of my readers suffer from IF. I don't want this to become a blog that's all about my pregnancy.

Things are still progressing well. I've had 5 ultrasounds now, and baby T is growing and doing great. Last week he or she was moving around waving arms & legs (or nubs). Tomorrow is my NT scan. I'm very nervous, but trying not to let myself think about it too much. I realized that my anxiety is much lower the less "technical" I get. I'm trying not to keep exact track of how far along I am each day (12 weeks 1 day today) and also trying not to analyze symptoms because they do come and go. Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of when we found out our first baby was gone. I'm trying not to think about that too much either. It's just a day, right? We've already come so much further this time. There's no such thing as jinx. Right?

A friend in my online support group mailed me her Doppler to use because her baby is already on the outside. I have been able to find baby T's heartbeat each time. I'm trying not to use it every day,  I average about every other day. It's such a sweet sound, but I do panic a little before I use it each time. Will this be the time I can't find it? Again, I try not to go there.

It is getting easier, but I don't think I will ever get to the point where I feel completely comfortable with this pregnancy. No matter how far along I get I will always have that fear. I'm still taking things day by day, minute by minute if I have to!

UPDATE: NT scan measurements were all normal. I still have to wait for the bloodwork to come back, but there is no cause for concern at this point. Phew! Here is a pic of baby T- not the best quality because it's a picture of a picture, but you get the idea. I still can't believe this is happening.

Still here

I've been a bad blogger- I've done nothing but lay around for almost two weeks- you think I could have written a blog post! I don't have a whole lot to say. I went back in to see my RE for some more spotting on December 21. Everything was still fine. Apparently this baby just wants to scare me. I also had a regular appointment on December 27, and baby T was measuring almost a week ahead, so I'm a little over 9 weeks right now. I'm already past the point where I lost my last pregnancy. The stupid SCH is still there, which makes me worry, but I haven't had any spotting in over a week. My anxiety has gotten a little better. I saw my counselor last week and she gave me some tips to help calm myself when I get in panic mode. It's very difficult. If I let my mind go I will imagine every scenario or bad thing that could possibly happen. The bottom line is that I HAVE NO CONTROL. My therapist said to tell myself repeatedly: "I can't control how this ends, but I can control the way I feel right now." She also told me to come up with a calming image. Here is my image:

Yes, my calming image is my dog. I took her to Moochie & Co for a charity photo shoot. I love how it turned out. I just need to picture that cute little face and imagine little puppy snuggles and it does calm me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes. Please, please stay and grow and come meet us next summer, baby T. We already love you so much!