Waiting for a change

You are all invited to my pity party. I've been throwing it for myself for about two weeks. With the holidays coming I just can't seem to get out of my funk. DH and I went out after Halloween to check out the decorations and costumes the stores had marked down. I remember last year thinking that next year hopefully we would be able to look at kid's costumes. It's next year. And I still couldn't look at kid's costumes. That really got to me, and with Christmas and New Year's coming up I can't help but think nothing has changed. We still don't have a baby. I really just want to crawl into a hole and come out in February, because my birthday is in January and last year I turned 30. Again, I thought my 31st birthday would surely be different different. January will be here before I know it and things aren't looking good.

I try to remind myself that we have come a long way. We jumped through countless hoops to complete our home study and also to be active with our agencies. But actually holding my own baby just seems so far away. Honestly, it seems impossible. I was shopping a friend's baby registry online the other day (actually going into a baby store may be the end of me). So I was looking through the things she and her husband and registered for, and while I'm thrilled for her, it just feels like my DH and I will never get to do that. Will we ever get to pick out a crib? Can we pick out a stroller and car seat? Don't even get me started on baby names..... that will never happen. At least it feels that way.

Waaaahhh, waaaahh, waahh. I know. I should get over myself and stop throwing pity parties. I should be grateful for the wonderful family I do have. And I am. I am SO thankful for my husband, my wonderful family, my in-laws, and my friends. I am blessed with a great support system. I know that. But it's not enough. Those people can't give me a baby. A life with DH and I, just the two of us, is not the life I want. I love him so much, but it can't be the two of us forever. I was meant to be a mom. I'm just tired of waiting for our lives to change.

Screw you IF, you bitch. Who is this selfish, depressed person you turned me into? It isn't fair.

Broken

Halloween was really difficult for me. It's so hard to watch all the families and kids when I want that so bad for myself.

I was planning to write a longer post, but I just don't have it in me.

"There were photographs I wanted to take  
Things I wanted to show you  
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes  
Who could love you like this?

 

People say that I am brave but I'm not.

Truth is I'm barely hanging on." 
 
--Audrey's Song by Selah

Crap. This already sucks.

We are now active with all 3 agencies and 1 attorney! When I first got our home study packet back in July, I cried because I was so overwhelmed with all the hoops and paperwork and requirements. I never thought we would get to this point. Here we are. But...

Waiting sucks. Big time.

This is the hardest part so far, and it's only been a week. I guess with all the home study requirements and applications I felt more useful because we were actually doing something. Now we're doing nothing....but waiting.

Since becoming active, we've received info on two birthmothers. Once we see the info, we let the agency know if we are interested in having our profile shown and then the birthmother will choose from there. The first situation we had to turn down because it was over our budget, and the second we had to say no because it involved extended travel. I know it's only a couple of weeks and I should be glad that we are already getting birthmother info. I just can't help being discouraged and wondering if we will ever get our baby. In December it will be two years since my BFP. Two years later and still no family. I never imagined we'd be waiting this long or that having a family would be so hard. I really don't want to go through another holiday season childless. Last weekend I took my dog to a costume contest and pet parade. It was a lot of fun, but I can't help being sad when I see all the kids dressed up in their costumes. When will it be my turn to buy kid's costumes? My poor dog now has six Halloween costumes.......
Recently on SNL it was said said that dressing up your dog is a way to tell your neighbors you can't have kids. Screw you Seth. You have no idea what IF is like and you can kiss my ass. Besides, my dog is damn cute dressed up, isn't she? Here she is struttin' her stuff in the parade. Notice the pom-poms- my husband sewed them!

Sorry girl, we will never stop dressing you up, even if we do eventually get our baby. You're too cute!

Almost there

We are now active with 2 of our 3 agencies!!! Finally! I didn't think we'd get to this point, ever. There were some frustrations during the last week though.

One agency emailed and said they did not have a letter from one of our references. I knew that this person sent her reference because I bugged her (in a friendly way, of course!) about sending it and she ended up texting me a picture of her stamped envelope the day she mailed it so I would leave her alone. So I knew either the post office or the agency made a mistake. Luckily, the agency allowed her to fax another copy, so that didn't hold us up long.

The same day my friend faxed her copy of the "lost" letter, I called one of the other agencies because I hadn't heard from them after I sent the copies of our background checks. The woman I spoke with said she hadn't received the background checks yet. Inside I immediately freaked, but I told her (in my friendliest voice) that I had delivery confirmation from the post office that the paperwork had arrived a week ago. She hung up to look for it, then called back about 5 minutes later to apologize and let me know she had located it. Phew! I was really about to blow up after that one, because I knew it had been delivered.

I don't mean to criticize either agency. I know they receive a lot of paperwork and are very busy. I know I'm not their #1 priority. I was just getting so frustrated because it seemed like every time I thought we were finished they would ask for something else. The 3rd agency called today for a phone interview. We are approved, but still have to go through an official approval by an agency committee. We should be active by the end of the week.

The hardest part in the next several months will be waiting. I'm trying to focus on searching/applying for grants, and finding a fundraiser for us. DH still isn't sold on the fundraising idea. I'm searching for something we can do or sell online. DH's fear is that people will feel obligated. I don't want anyone to feel obligated, and I also hope the idea of a fundraiser doesn't offend anyone. My friend S, who brought her son home in July through adoption, sold T-shirts from Adoption Bug. I've checked those out and most of them are scripture shirts. S and her husband are both pastors so that was perfect for them, but I'm not sure it really "fits" our family and friends. I don't know. I go back and forth on the whole fundraising idea. If you have any ideas, feel free to comment and let me know.

::looks up at ticker:: It took almost 5 months to get to the active point. And I haven't put anything off, I've been working through things as fast as I can. There is nothing quick or easy about adoption. So if you EVER hear anyone say to "just adopt" please respond appropriately with anger...

The Waiting Game

::taps fingers impatiently:: I am a very patient person, considering I'm  second grade teacher. I guess my patience is only applicable to certain situations, because waiting for these agencies is driving me crazy! I sent all the applications out on September 20. I thought my first emotion would be excitement, but honestly as soon as I put the boxes in the mail receptacle I was filled with fear. I'm not afraid of taking care of a baby. I can't wait for DH and I to be parents. I'm just afraid of everything that may come up during the adoption process. The birth mother may change her mind, we may be matched in a situation that ends up being over our budget, we have to wait 6 months to finalize once we get back to Ohio, etc., etc., etc. So many hurdles along the way.

Just like I thought the home study process would never end, I really feel like the matching process will never begin. I mailed everything September 20. The agencies received them September 23 (not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person or anything), and on September 26 I was contacted by all 3 agencies. They all need official copies of our background checks and child abuse clearances. Stupid me, I thought that was included in the home study. It is referenced in the home study that we are clear and those were completed, but I had to call our home study agency to get the actual documents. More waiting. So I received the documents October 1, then mailed them to the agencies Oct 2. They received them Oct 5. Again, not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person. So now I'm just waiting for the agencies to contact me again to say we are active. All 3 said everything was in order except these missing documents. Umm, it's Oct 7. Don't these people know how hard it is to wait?? (honestly I know they are busy and I'm not number one on their list, but wouldn't it be nice if I were?)

We did have a conference call with the attorney in Florida we are signed up with. He doesn't do that many adoptions each year, so theoretically our wait time with him will be much longer. However, if we match with him it will end up costing less than $15k. Also, traveling to Florida sounds so much better than traveling to Utah. So I sent him our profile on Oct 4, delivery confirmed Oct 6. We should be active with him by next week.

So here we go. The waiting game is just beginning, because once we are active we have to wait for a match. Once we are matched we have to wait for a birth. After the birth we have to wait for the birth mother to sign. After that we have to wait 6 months to finalize.

Did I mention we wanted a baby like, years ago?????

Breathe in, breathe out (let's talk money)

What you're seeing above is all the paperwork to be sent out to our agencies!! I'm just waiting on the home study to come in the mail, which should be early this week. It feels so good to have this part done.

The good feeling is bittersweet though, because we went to the bank the other day to talk about a loan to finance our adoption. It was depressing. We need to show the agencies that we have access to money to cover the fees, which could range from $17,000 to $30,000. We talked with the manager of our credit union, and discovered that a home equity loan is definitely out of the question. We really didn't want to go that route anyway, but it was frustrating news. According to our last tax appraisal (which we know is always lower than what our house is actually worth) we only have $1,000 of equity from 4 years of payments. We could pay an appraiser $350 to see what the actual value of our house is, but that would just screw us with our taxes and we don't want to pay that much for an appraisal. It was upsetting to hear that house values have plummeted so much and we've pretty much gotten nowhere.

So our only option is a personal loan, which is considered unsecured debt. DH and I have great credit- we don't have any debt other than our house, my student loans, and one car loan. So loaning us the money really isn't a problem, but because it's a personal loan and they have nothing as collateral, they could only give us $20,000. That's actually not too bad, but again, because it's a personal loan the terms can't be more than 5 years. So if we end up needing the full $20k, our payment will be around $480 a month. CRAZY. We can make it work, but it will be a huge stretch. If our adoption ends up on the higher end, closer to $30k, we may have to use all our savings, or turn down that situation because we can't afford it.

We're stressed. We actually had a big fight about it the other night. If we have such a large loan payment, how are we going to cover formula, diapers, and all the other things a baby needs? I was trying to be optimistic and told DH that hopefully we can get the federal tax credit to pay back a large portion of the loan, and we can also have a fundraiser and ask our family and friends to donate. This is what started our fight. DH is so generous and he donates money often. I pointed this out to him and he responded that he doesn't donate so he can "get something back." I know that, that wasn't my point. I tried to explain to him that there are many people who care about us and want us to be parents and would be more than happy to donate to our cause. I think of all the times I've thrown money in a collection envelope for someone at work and I know they would do the same for me. Last year our friends had a house fire and we donated a large amount of money to them, and now that we are on the other side I know they would reciprocate. But DH freaked. He said people would feel obligated and he just thinks it's wrong to ask people he knows for money. I think he's being too proud. No one has to give us anything and I certainly wouldn't want people to feel obligated. After much back and forth I told him "fine, we just won't adopt because then will have money. Obviously that is the most important thing to you. It will just be me and you forever." I love my husband with all my heart, but just the two of us is not the life I envisioned. It's just not enough for me. I told him that, and I think I hurt his feelings but I wanted to be honest. I want to be a mom. I need to be a mom. I think if he were honest with himself he would admit that he desperately wants to be a dad.

In hindsight, I see that DH is just trying to be logical and smart about our finances. I'm glad he's that way. He balances out my impulsive side. I still disagree about the fundraiser and I'm hoping he will warm up to the idea more. I can only hope that things work out how they should and we will end up with what we can handle.

This is quite the roller coaster ride, and I think once our applications go through and we are actively waiting there will be many more twists and turns! I'm not getting off this ride anytime soon.

Put a fork in it

Our home study is DONE! I can't believe it. One of our references got lost in the mail, but as soon as our social worker gets the new one we are approved!! But....

this is me. We are doing things differently than most because of our consultant. We will be working with three agencies in Utah and one attorney in Florida. This will help increase our exposure and hopefully get us matched faster. If we were only using the Ohio agency that did our home study, we would be done with all paperwork. So I realize we've brought some of this on ourselves because we chose to use the consultant. Now I have multiple applications, information sheets, and other requirements to sort through and fill out. It stinks. I'm tired of it all. But I keep going because I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. Also, when I start to get fed up with this whole process I try to put myself in the birth mother's shoes. If I were giving up my child for adoption I would want to make sure that the parents are well prepared and have had every kind of clearance imaginable. That helps me keep my perspective if I start to get angry. I'm anticipating that we'll be active in about a month. I'm waiting on a certified copy of our birth certificates to come in the mail, and we have to go to the bank to get our loan because one agency requires proof that we have the money. I've finished putting together our profile books (all 23 of them!) and they are ready to send out soon. I'm so excited, but I'm also scared to death. I can't believe we've made it this far!