The Waiting Game

::taps fingers impatiently:: I am a very patient person, considering I'm  second grade teacher. I guess my patience is only applicable to certain situations, because waiting for these agencies is driving me crazy! I sent all the applications out on September 20. I thought my first emotion would be excitement, but honestly as soon as I put the boxes in the mail receptacle I was filled with fear. I'm not afraid of taking care of a baby. I can't wait for DH and I to be parents. I'm just afraid of everything that may come up during the adoption process. The birth mother may change her mind, we may be matched in a situation that ends up being over our budget, we have to wait 6 months to finalize once we get back to Ohio, etc., etc., etc. So many hurdles along the way.

Just like I thought the home study process would never end, I really feel like the matching process will never begin. I mailed everything September 20. The agencies received them September 23 (not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person or anything), and on September 26 I was contacted by all 3 agencies. They all need official copies of our background checks and child abuse clearances. Stupid me, I thought that was included in the home study. It is referenced in the home study that we are clear and those were completed, but I had to call our home study agency to get the actual documents. More waiting. So I received the documents October 1, then mailed them to the agencies Oct 2. They received them Oct 5. Again, not that I checked the USPS website like a crazy person. So now I'm just waiting for the agencies to contact me again to say we are active. All 3 said everything was in order except these missing documents. Umm, it's Oct 7. Don't these people know how hard it is to wait?? (honestly I know they are busy and I'm not number one on their list, but wouldn't it be nice if I were?)

We did have a conference call with the attorney in Florida we are signed up with. He doesn't do that many adoptions each year, so theoretically our wait time with him will be much longer. However, if we match with him it will end up costing less than $15k. Also, traveling to Florida sounds so much better than traveling to Utah. So I sent him our profile on Oct 4, delivery confirmed Oct 6. We should be active with him by next week.

So here we go. The waiting game is just beginning, because once we are active we have to wait for a match. Once we are matched we have to wait for a birth. After the birth we have to wait for the birth mother to sign. After that we have to wait 6 months to finalize.

Did I mention we wanted a baby like, years ago?????

Breathe in, breathe out (let's talk money)

What you're seeing above is all the paperwork to be sent out to our agencies!! I'm just waiting on the home study to come in the mail, which should be early this week. It feels so good to have this part done.

The good feeling is bittersweet though, because we went to the bank the other day to talk about a loan to finance our adoption. It was depressing. We need to show the agencies that we have access to money to cover the fees, which could range from $17,000 to $30,000. We talked with the manager of our credit union, and discovered that a home equity loan is definitely out of the question. We really didn't want to go that route anyway, but it was frustrating news. According to our last tax appraisal (which we know is always lower than what our house is actually worth) we only have $1,000 of equity from 4 years of payments. We could pay an appraiser $350 to see what the actual value of our house is, but that would just screw us with our taxes and we don't want to pay that much for an appraisal. It was upsetting to hear that house values have plummeted so much and we've pretty much gotten nowhere.

So our only option is a personal loan, which is considered unsecured debt. DH and I have great credit- we don't have any debt other than our house, my student loans, and one car loan. So loaning us the money really isn't a problem, but because it's a personal loan and they have nothing as collateral, they could only give us $20,000. That's actually not too bad, but again, because it's a personal loan the terms can't be more than 5 years. So if we end up needing the full $20k, our payment will be around $480 a month. CRAZY. We can make it work, but it will be a huge stretch. If our adoption ends up on the higher end, closer to $30k, we may have to use all our savings, or turn down that situation because we can't afford it.

We're stressed. We actually had a big fight about it the other night. If we have such a large loan payment, how are we going to cover formula, diapers, and all the other things a baby needs? I was trying to be optimistic and told DH that hopefully we can get the federal tax credit to pay back a large portion of the loan, and we can also have a fundraiser and ask our family and friends to donate. This is what started our fight. DH is so generous and he donates money often. I pointed this out to him and he responded that he doesn't donate so he can "get something back." I know that, that wasn't my point. I tried to explain to him that there are many people who care about us and want us to be parents and would be more than happy to donate to our cause. I think of all the times I've thrown money in a collection envelope for someone at work and I know they would do the same for me. Last year our friends had a house fire and we donated a large amount of money to them, and now that we are on the other side I know they would reciprocate. But DH freaked. He said people would feel obligated and he just thinks it's wrong to ask people he knows for money. I think he's being too proud. No one has to give us anything and I certainly wouldn't want people to feel obligated. After much back and forth I told him "fine, we just won't adopt because then will have money. Obviously that is the most important thing to you. It will just be me and you forever." I love my husband with all my heart, but just the two of us is not the life I envisioned. It's just not enough for me. I told him that, and I think I hurt his feelings but I wanted to be honest. I want to be a mom. I need to be a mom. I think if he were honest with himself he would admit that he desperately wants to be a dad.

In hindsight, I see that DH is just trying to be logical and smart about our finances. I'm glad he's that way. He balances out my impulsive side. I still disagree about the fundraiser and I'm hoping he will warm up to the idea more. I can only hope that things work out how they should and we will end up with what we can handle.

This is quite the roller coaster ride, and I think once our applications go through and we are actively waiting there will be many more twists and turns! I'm not getting off this ride anytime soon.

Put a fork in it

Our home study is DONE! I can't believe it. One of our references got lost in the mail, but as soon as our social worker gets the new one we are approved!! But....

this is me. We are doing things differently than most because of our consultant. We will be working with three agencies in Utah and one attorney in Florida. This will help increase our exposure and hopefully get us matched faster. If we were only using the Ohio agency that did our home study, we would be done with all paperwork. So I realize we've brought some of this on ourselves because we chose to use the consultant. Now I have multiple applications, information sheets, and other requirements to sort through and fill out. It stinks. I'm tired of it all. But I keep going because I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. Also, when I start to get fed up with this whole process I try to put myself in the birth mother's shoes. If I were giving up my child for adoption I would want to make sure that the parents are well prepared and have had every kind of clearance imaginable. That helps me keep my perspective if I start to get angry. I'm anticipating that we'll be active in about a month. I'm waiting on a certified copy of our birth certificates to come in the mail, and we have to go to the bank to get our loan because one agency requires proof that we have the money. I've finished putting together our profile books (all 23 of them!) and they are ready to send out soon. I'm so excited, but I'm also scared to death. I can't believe we've made it this far!

Time. Does it really heal?

As my second EDD approaches, I can't help thinking about how different things are this year. It still stings that I should have a one year old. I don't know if I will ever stop counting the years of what would've-no SHOULD'VE- been our first child. But that aching, hollow feeling isn't as strong this year. Last year my EDD fell on the day of my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I was so sad and depressed that I only attended the shower and skipped the party. How could I have fun when I should have a baby in my arms? How could I put aside the fact that every month when my period comes it feels like the world is going to end? Today, I'm angry at myself for being so consumed with my own grief that I couldn't forget it for one night (or at least pretend to) and have fun with my SIL. But you know IF, she turns you into a selfish bitch.

I don't think it's time that has healed me so much. I'm not healed. I just have a new focus, our adoption. I'm excited about the fact that despite my stupid, failure of a body, we may actually have a family soon. That bitch is still there though. For example, today I found out that our former school nurse's daughter, who had breast cancer and went through chemo, is now pregnant. She is also 40 and has two school aged kids. My first thought wasn't "oh how wonderful after all she's been through." Nope, it was "awesome, she had poison in her body and has old eggs yet she still gets KU and I don't. And she already has two kids." Yep, there's the bitch again! I've just learned to control her better.

In other news, we had our first visit with the social worker on Sunday. It went well (I think) and her next, and final, visit is on Labor Day. At that point I'm not sure how long it will take her to complete the home study, but hopefully not long. We managed to cross EVERYTHING off our list except for the 3.5 hours of online courses we need to take, which we will hopefully do this weekend. I can't believe how much we've accomplished. Oh, there is another thing though. Since I attended therapy after my miscarriage, I need to get a letter from my therapist saying why she treated me and if I'm fit to adopt. No problem, right. Well it isn't a problem, but my therapist charges $60 to write it! Oh well, it's only money. Except we've already spent close to $5000 on this and we haven't even been match yet. We also had to pay for our social worker's gas because she traveled more than 60 miles round trip. Whatever. It will be worth it. Except DH will have to work so much overtime he'll never get to see our kid.

I also went back to work Monday. I'm so excited because I got a Smartboard! I've been using an overhead projector and transparencies (hello, 1980s) for the past 7 years, so this is a big upgrade. I'm can't wait to learn all the things I'll be able to do with it. The bad part is I already want to hurt one of my coworkers and it's only been 2 days. But maybe my principal grew a pair over the summer and he'll keep her in check. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So now you're all caught up. Second EDD- still no baby- but hey, we're moving forward, right?

Kickin A$s

So last week I threw a pity party for us and whined about everything we have to do for our homestudy. School starts in 3 weeks and I need to get my classroom ready, and we will be on vacation all next week. We are also stripping and refinishing our kitchen table, which has turned out to be a much bigger project than we anticipated. I was definitely feeling the pressure to get things done. I am so proud of myself though, because I worked my ass off this week. I was able to get almost the entire table sanded (with help from DH and my grandma) and it should be ready for staining after vacation. I also got my whole classroom unpacked and organized (we have to pack up each year so they can "clean" our rooms- they never look that clean so it's just a waste of time) so all I have left at school is putting student's names on things and getting my open house packet and first week lesson plans ready. We also crossed off many things on our homestudy list:

1. Application for child placement- I didn't realize this was on our original homestudy application, so it was already done
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment- I have mine, DH still has to get his after vacation
6. References- 5 non-relatives- mailed, hopefully our references fill them out in a timely manner
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)- mine is done, DH has an appt Aug 15
14. Child care class- scheduled Aug 17
15. Infant CPR certification- scheduled Aug 18
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire- I have started this, and plan to finish in the car on vacation
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)- done!
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker- first one scheduled Aug 21

Many of the items left are just a matter of making copies. Also, our profile book is DONE! I had to revise it 4 times, but our consultant says it looks great now! So when we get back from vacation we can work on getting it printed. I will probably just go to Kinko's and then get some plastic sheet covers at an office supply store. N said not to make it too formal. I can't believe how much we've gotten done. I'm so proud of us and I hope we can relax and enjoy our vacation now! The week we get back will be so busy. I will have to finish up everything at school Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, then Wednesday night is our child care class and Thursday night is our CPR class. I also have an autism workshop all day Thursday and Friday, then the social worker comes Sunday, and school starts Monday! I guess I won't really be enjoying my last week of summer. Oh well, it will all be worth it!

I think I... can?

Before I begin my post- I want to ask for T&Ps for a dear friend, SM, who may suffer another miscarriage. Her scan showed some abnormalities and she's having further tests done next week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

So I've been anxiously waiting for our adoption paperwork to come. Yesterday, after another pity party filled morning (my school friends went to a waterpark without me- you know, because I couldn't possible enjoy it without kids,) I went to the mailbox to find an envelope from our agency. I also found a box full of cookies from my friend C at The Port of Indecision (love you girl!!) so it was a happy day at the mailbox. Until I opened the agency's envelope. The cookies are AMAZING, btw.

I became so OVERWHELMED and had a mini breakdown/tantrum. I knew the home study was going to be a lot of work, but I had NO IDEA. I feel like there is a huge mountain in front of me and I don't know if I'll make it to the top or other side. And just so you know I'm not kidding, let me list every requirement for you.

1. Application for child placement
2. Copy of marriage certificate
3. Current income tax return
4. State financial statement
5. A letter from employer stating job title, salary, length of employment, character reference, and stability of employment
6. References- 5 non-relatives
7. State background check
8. Federal background check
9. Local criminal check (a letter from local PD that we don't have a record)
10. Certification of residency
11. Traffic record from BMV
12. Medical release form
13. Medical statement (filled out by physician)
14. Child care class (can't wait to take that with expectant parents!)
15. Infant CPR certification
16. Required reading- an adoption book (217 pages!) that we must both read and then complete a questionnaire 
17. 3.5 hours of online training after reading book
18. Fire inspection report (done by local FD)
19. Questionnaire about child placement
20. Child characteristics form
21. Child abuse clearance
22. Home safety audits
23. Interviews with social worker

So don't EVER, EVER tell anyone they can "just" adopt. That implies this process is easy. That implies that this process doesn't examine every aspect of your life. The crack whore downtown can be homeless and get KU, yet DH and I have to jump through countless hoops before we are "approved" to be parents.

I know that if I were a birth mother I would want all these things done. I get that. I also get that this is the path we're on and I might as well embrace it. I know it will be worth it, I know that. I just feel a little defeated at this point.

One of the big problems is the CPR class. DH can't get off work during the day, and he works every Saturday. So trying to find an infant or child certification class that is at night or on Sunday has been difficult for me so far. I did find one with our local FD, but they said they cancel if there aren't enough people signed up. The hospitals offer classes, but they don't certify you. So hopefully something will work out. The child care class did have a Sunday offering so that shouldn't be a problem.

So wish me luck, I guess. I'm chuggin' up the mountain....

Oh hello anger, my old friend

So I'm sure you've noticed the tone in my posts has changed and is much more positive since we began our adoption journey. I've been in a really good place and very happy with our decision. I'm also off work for the summer so the stress of my job is gone which of course helps. Lately though, I've felt some of that old anger and bitterness creeping up again.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being patient. I just want a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some stupid reason I've been watching that show about teen moms. Why do they keep making shows about teenagers getting KU? Oh wait, because stupid people like me watch them. It's ridiculous. I guess I like to torture myself because every week I watch the damn show. And every week I want to throw things at the t.v. Why do they get babies while I'm still empty? Why do I have to be jealous of a freakin' teenager?

Most of you know I have a support group of wonderful ladies I met online after my miscarriage. I could not have survived the last year and a half without them. I LOVE these ladies so much and I don't want any of this to offend them- but the fact is that we're different now. Most of them are either currently pregnant or have had a successful pregnancy and have babies at home. Though I have their support regardless of their ute status, I feel very left behind. What started as a group of thirty or more of us TTCAL has now dwindled to six. Six of us who still aren't pregnant, or who've gotten KU again only to suffer more losses. It sucks. It sucks so much. Don't get me wrong- I am SO happy for my friends that they've come out the other side or are getting there, but I just want to be with them already. I feel like I'm running after them waving and shouting "Hey guys, wait! You forgot about me!" But they just keep going. It's hard not to let it affect my self-worth. I've failed. I suck. I'm one of the few that didn't make it. It feels embarrassing, like I'm the last one picked for the team in gym class.

In adoption news- we finished our application for our home study and are currently waiting to be assigned a social worker. Once we are assigned, the process can take 60-90 days. Then we are "active" and just waiting for someone to choose us. Who knows how long that will take. Did I mention I'm tired of WAITING???!!!