1 year ago

I found out I was pregnant. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. I had gone alcohol free during the 2 week wait, and I was supposed to go out to eat with a friend that night. I had tested the day before (12dpo) and got a stark white negative. I decided to test when I got home from school that day. If the test was negative, I was going to drink that night. At 13 dpo, not even with FMU, I got a faint, faint line. I called my friend and asked if pregnancy tests were like OPKs where the line had to be as dark as the control line. She said, "No, a line is a line. Go buy a digital!" So I told DH I had to get something at CVS. I was shaking the entire time. Obviously the digital came up positive. DH and I were having some kind of argument so I went and handed him the test, saying something like "I know you're mad at me, but look!" I took a picture of the digital test and showed my friend that night. "Oh, look what I got for Christmas." I was so happy. I thought I was getting the best Christmas gift ever. I went to the library and checked out all kinds of pregnancy books. I subscribed to email newsletters. I couldn't stop thinking or talking about pregnancy. I thought about how lucky we were....

Hey, guess what? It's 1 year later and I do NOT have a baby, and I have NOT  had another pregnancy. I suck. Merry effing Christmas to us.

Merry effing Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right???? Yeah. I can't even listen to Christmas music. I can't do anything Christmas related without thinking about this time last year when I thought I was getting the best gift ever. I just want it all to go away. I never thought a year would go by and I wouldn't be pregnant. DH and I are moving forward though. His SA results were not so good, so he's seeing a urologist and I'm having another laparoscopic surgery done to check for any endometriosis that might be back. My OB is also going to do an HSG to see if my tubes are open. Then I guess we'll see what's next. I'm hesitant to see an RE yet because of cost. Obviously, I want my baby no matter what the cost but I also want to pursue everything I can with my OB before we starting spending out of pocket on fertility specialists. DH has to pay a $150 consultation fee to see the urologist, which I've heard from my fellow bitters is a bargain. He thinks this is outrageous. Just wait, I told him. Hopefully he'll have some good answers for us. More waiting. I'm really tired of this lesson in patience, universe. I don't need any more tests.

Tis the Season....

To be jolly, right? I don't know about that. The holidays are going to be hard this year. I got my BFP on December 18th last year and I spent Christmas marveling about how lucky I was. Fast forward 1 year and there's no baby. But I do have one thing this year I didn't have last year, and that's my adorable puppy, Shorty. So that means I can plaster her all over my photo cards for Christmas! Last year I put a picture of our house on the cards I ordered from Shutterfly.com, but this year will be even better. Of course I would love to be putting a baby's picture on the card too, but Shorty is pretty darn cute. She even has a Christmas sweater to wear. Here are two of the cards I'm considering (of course they all have children and families on them, right? Just imagine Shorty instead.)

I don't know which one I'll chose. Shutterfly has over 800 choices! Check them out here.

Pssst…all you other bloggers out there: bloggers can get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… learn more: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Attitude changes

I'm going to try to be a better blogger. I retitled it because it was Adventures in Boring was boring, and I was being boring, so maybe now my new title will help me be more exciting and will captivated my whole audience of 9. Anyway, last weekend I had a girls "getaway" with 3 of my best friends from high school. We are all turning 30 this year so we decided to get together. Admittedly, I was dreading it because one of my friends is 25 weeks pregnant with her second child. Two under two. I thought I wouldn't be able to look at her. Then I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. It's not her fault that I can't look at pregnant people. And it's not her fault that things went smoothly for her and not me. But I'm so used to living in this bitter fog that it's hard to see things that way. I didn't start the weekend with a good attitude, but things did get easier. I had a mini-meltdown and opened up about my feelings and how horrible the last year has been. I felt so much relief after that and ended up really enjoying the weekend. I feel lucky to have friends like that. It was such a nice break from my depression and bitterness that I began the work week with a better attidude, and I actually enjoyed my job and class. Then yesterday my grandparents had a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I am so thankful and grateful that I have such a wonderful family. These past two weekends have lifted some of the fog and I'm beginning to realize that maybe not getting pregnant isn't the "end-all." At the risk of sounding like an optimist, maybe there are other things in store for me. But don't worry my fellow bitter hags, I'm sure that Thanksgiving and Christmas coming and David and I still being childless will soon put me back into my fog.....

Dear Halloween...

You can go fvck yourself. Seriously. I thought I would be pregnant that last time you were here, and now you've come again and IM STILL EMPTY. Thanks for coming around to remind me of that. I can't wait until Christmas comes to make me feel even shittier.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All over the world people will be lighting candles at 7 p.m. to honor our lost little ones. Tonight I will honor my precious angel and those of my friends.

Happy Hopeful Award....

My friend Betsy at Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Sunshine has shared the "Happy/Hopeful Award" with me. What a great award to be going around a group of bitters. I admit, I saw her post a week ago but I just couldn't think of anything positive to say. I'm in a slightly better place this week so I thought I'd give it a go. How about a positive post for once?
Things that make me happy or hopeful:

1. My adorable puppy, Shorty makes me happy

2. Netflix makes me happy. I know that sounds lame but it's so nice to cuddle up on the couch with my dog and just escape for a few hours watching old episodes of Dexter or Ugly Betty.

3. My family makes me happy. My brother recently go married in Hawaii and although I was unable to travel to paradise with him I was able to attend a reception last weekend. I ended up having a good time, which is rare lately.

4. My husband makes me very happy. He's been so good to me this past year. I'm not sure how he's managed to put up with the crazy person I've become.

5. Something that makes me hopeful..... hmmm, that's tough. I guess having a plan with my OB has helped. I don't know. It's hard to be hopeful lately.

Thanks Betsy for including me. And now I pass this along to:
C at Celestes 101 in 1001
O at Too Beautiful
S at Blessing and Wonder