Time. Does it really heal?

As my second EDD approaches, I can't help thinking about how different things are this year. It still stings that I should have a one year old. I don't know if I will ever stop counting the years of what would've-no SHOULD'VE- been our first child. But that aching, hollow feeling isn't as strong this year. Last year my EDD fell on the day of my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I was so sad and depressed that I only attended the shower and skipped the party. How could I have fun when I should have a baby in my arms? How could I put aside the fact that every month when my period comes it feels like the world is going to end? Today, I'm angry at myself for being so consumed with my own grief that I couldn't forget it for one night (or at least pretend to) and have fun with my SIL. But you know IF, she turns you into a selfish bitch.

I don't think it's time that has healed me so much. I'm not healed. I just have a new focus, our adoption. I'm excited about the fact that despite my stupid, failure of a body, we may actually have a family soon. That bitch is still there though. For example, today I found out that our former school nurse's daughter, who had breast cancer and went through chemo, is now pregnant. She is also 40 and has two school aged kids. My first thought wasn't "oh how wonderful after all she's been through." Nope, it was "awesome, she had poison in her body and has old eggs yet she still gets KU and I don't. And she already has two kids." Yep, there's the bitch again! I've just learned to control her better.

In other news, we had our first visit with the social worker on Sunday. It went well (I think) and her next, and final, visit is on Labor Day. At that point I'm not sure how long it will take her to complete the home study, but hopefully not long. We managed to cross EVERYTHING off our list except for the 3.5 hours of online courses we need to take, which we will hopefully do this weekend. I can't believe how much we've accomplished. Oh, there is another thing though. Since I attended therapy after my miscarriage, I need to get a letter from my therapist saying why she treated me and if I'm fit to adopt. No problem, right. Well it isn't a problem, but my therapist charges $60 to write it! Oh well, it's only money. Except we've already spent close to $5000 on this and we haven't even been match yet. We also had to pay for our social worker's gas because she traveled more than 60 miles round trip. Whatever. It will be worth it. Except DH will have to work so much overtime he'll never get to see our kid.

I also went back to work Monday. I'm so excited because I got a Smartboard! I've been using an overhead projector and transparencies (hello, 1980s) for the past 7 years, so this is a big upgrade. I'm can't wait to learn all the things I'll be able to do with it. The bad part is I already want to hurt one of my coworkers and it's only been 2 days. But maybe my principal grew a pair over the summer and he'll keep her in check. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So now you're all caught up. Second EDD- still no baby- but hey, we're moving forward, right?