I don't know anymore. I've become so angry, bitter, and sad. Each month when CD1 comes again I just want to hide in my house and not talk to anyone. I want to scream, cry, and break things. With each failure I get more angry, and I also hate myself more. Why is my body betraying me? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, because I just want to be at home by myself. I can't focus on my job. I don't even want to do my job anymore. I try to put on a happy face so people won't see me as the sad, infertile one. This morning I was actually shouting at God on my way to work. A couple of people said after my loss, "Oh, you'll get pregnant again, in God's time" or "God has a plan." Screw God's time and His plan. I want MY time and MY plan. I feel like I've lost my future and I'm sad that all of this has made me so self-absorbed. Reminders of babies are everywhere. This is devastating. I hate what it's turned me into and I miss who I was before.
I'm sorry, Misty. I feel the same way! It sucks so badly. I wish we were neighbors so we could wallow in our misery together.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind my comment.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel that now that I am pregnant after the roller coaster, that it has nothing to do with God. My orayers were not answered. if they were answered, I would have never suffered a loss. I would never have gone on to suffer several other losses, including the loss of all the time I spent trying to make a baby. I feel that there is no "God's Plan". The plan is whatever plan works out best for the situation we're put in.
I am not sure why people feel they have to fix the sadness by giving advice like that. Maybe they find comfort in that statement in their own lives, who knows. All I know is that until it happens to them, they'll never understand why it's hurtful to try and fix the sadness we feel when we want that baby so badly.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel sweetheart. I just love you and I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Hugs huge hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story in such a raw and "real" way. I'm new to the babyloss blogs and your genuineness really stood out to me. It sucks to lose a baby and I'm so sorry for all that you're going through but glad to know none of us are alone.
ReplyDeletekristen
http://hopedeferred-kristen.blogspot.com/
Oh Misty. {HUGS}
ReplyDeleteMonth after month; cycle after cycle. This is all so hard, and often feels like it's too much to bear. I'm so sorry you're having to experience it. :-(