Tis the Season....

To be jolly, right? I don't know about that. The holidays are going to be hard this year. I got my BFP on December 18th last year and I spent Christmas marveling about how lucky I was. Fast forward 1 year and there's no baby. But I do have one thing this year I didn't have last year, and that's my adorable puppy, Shorty. So that means I can plaster her all over my photo cards for Christmas! Last year I put a picture of our house on the cards I ordered from Shutterfly.com, but this year will be even better. Of course I would love to be putting a baby's picture on the card too, but Shorty is pretty darn cute. She even has a Christmas sweater to wear. Here are two of the cards I'm considering (of course they all have children and families on them, right? Just imagine Shorty instead.)

I don't know which one I'll chose. Shutterfly has over 800 choices! Check them out here.

Pssst…all you other bloggers out there: bloggers can get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… learn more: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Attitude changes

I'm going to try to be a better blogger. I retitled it because it was Adventures in Boring was boring, and I was being boring, so maybe now my new title will help me be more exciting and will captivated my whole audience of 9. Anyway, last weekend I had a girls "getaway" with 3 of my best friends from high school. We are all turning 30 this year so we decided to get together. Admittedly, I was dreading it because one of my friends is 25 weeks pregnant with her second child. Two under two. I thought I wouldn't be able to look at her. Then I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. It's not her fault that I can't look at pregnant people. And it's not her fault that things went smoothly for her and not me. But I'm so used to living in this bitter fog that it's hard to see things that way. I didn't start the weekend with a good attitude, but things did get easier. I had a mini-meltdown and opened up about my feelings and how horrible the last year has been. I felt so much relief after that and ended up really enjoying the weekend. I feel lucky to have friends like that. It was such a nice break from my depression and bitterness that I began the work week with a better attidude, and I actually enjoyed my job and class. Then yesterday my grandparents had a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I am so thankful and grateful that I have such a wonderful family. These past two weekends have lifted some of the fog and I'm beginning to realize that maybe not getting pregnant isn't the "end-all." At the risk of sounding like an optimist, maybe there are other things in store for me. But don't worry my fellow bitter hags, I'm sure that Thanksgiving and Christmas coming and David and I still being childless will soon put me back into my fog.....

Dear Halloween...

You can go fvck yourself. Seriously. I thought I would be pregnant that last time you were here, and now you've come again and IM STILL EMPTY. Thanks for coming around to remind me of that. I can't wait until Christmas comes to make me feel even shittier.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All over the world people will be lighting candles at 7 p.m. to honor our lost little ones. Tonight I will honor my precious angel and those of my friends.

Happy Hopeful Award....

My friend Betsy at Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Sunshine has shared the "Happy/Hopeful Award" with me. What a great award to be going around a group of bitters. I admit, I saw her post a week ago but I just couldn't think of anything positive to say. I'm in a slightly better place this week so I thought I'd give it a go. How about a positive post for once?
Things that make me happy or hopeful:

1. My adorable puppy, Shorty makes me happy

2. Netflix makes me happy. I know that sounds lame but it's so nice to cuddle up on the couch with my dog and just escape for a few hours watching old episodes of Dexter or Ugly Betty.

3. My family makes me happy. My brother recently go married in Hawaii and although I was unable to travel to paradise with him I was able to attend a reception last weekend. I ended up having a good time, which is rare lately.

4. My husband makes me very happy. He's been so good to me this past year. I'm not sure how he's managed to put up with the crazy person I've become.

5. Something that makes me hopeful..... hmmm, that's tough. I guess having a plan with my OB has helped. I don't know. It's hard to be hopeful lately.

Thanks Betsy for including me. And now I pass this along to:
C at Celestes 101 in 1001
O at Too Beautiful
S at Blessing and Wonder

Who is this person?

I don't know anymore. I've become so angry, bitter, and sad. Each month when CD1 comes again I just want to hide in my house and not talk to anyone. I want to scream, cry, and break things. With each failure I get more angry, and I also hate myself more. Why is my body betraying me? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, because I just want to be at home by myself. I can't focus on my job. I don't even want to do my job anymore. I try to put on a happy face so people won't see me as the sad, infertile one. This morning I was actually shouting at God on my way to work. A couple of people said after my loss, "Oh, you'll get pregnant again, in God's time" or "God has a plan." Screw God's time and His plan. I want MY time and MY plan. I feel like I've lost my future and I'm sad that all of this has made me so self-absorbed. Reminders of babies are everywhere. This is devastating. I hate what it's turned me into and I miss who I was before.

Faces of Loss

I just submitted my story to Faces of Loss. It's a wonderful website where many women have told their story of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Check it out.

On another note, I'm writing this cycle down as a big fat fail. AF hasn't come yet, but I'm pretty sure she'll be here soon. Blah.