Dear Halloween...

You can go fvck yourself. Seriously. I thought I would be pregnant that last time you were here, and now you've come again and IM STILL EMPTY. Thanks for coming around to remind me of that. I can't wait until Christmas comes to make me feel even shittier.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All over the world people will be lighting candles at 7 p.m. to honor our lost little ones. Tonight I will honor my precious angel and those of my friends.

Happy Hopeful Award....

My friend Betsy at Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Sunshine has shared the "Happy/Hopeful Award" with me. What a great award to be going around a group of bitters. I admit, I saw her post a week ago but I just couldn't think of anything positive to say. I'm in a slightly better place this week so I thought I'd give it a go. How about a positive post for once?
Things that make me happy or hopeful:

1. My adorable puppy, Shorty makes me happy

2. Netflix makes me happy. I know that sounds lame but it's so nice to cuddle up on the couch with my dog and just escape for a few hours watching old episodes of Dexter or Ugly Betty.

3. My family makes me happy. My brother recently go married in Hawaii and although I was unable to travel to paradise with him I was able to attend a reception last weekend. I ended up having a good time, which is rare lately.

4. My husband makes me very happy. He's been so good to me this past year. I'm not sure how he's managed to put up with the crazy person I've become.

5. Something that makes me hopeful..... hmmm, that's tough. I guess having a plan with my OB has helped. I don't know. It's hard to be hopeful lately.

Thanks Betsy for including me. And now I pass this along to:
C at Celestes 101 in 1001
O at Too Beautiful
S at Blessing and Wonder

Who is this person?

I don't know anymore. I've become so angry, bitter, and sad. Each month when CD1 comes again I just want to hide in my house and not talk to anyone. I want to scream, cry, and break things. With each failure I get more angry, and I also hate myself more. Why is my body betraying me? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, because I just want to be at home by myself. I can't focus on my job. I don't even want to do my job anymore. I try to put on a happy face so people won't see me as the sad, infertile one. This morning I was actually shouting at God on my way to work. A couple of people said after my loss, "Oh, you'll get pregnant again, in God's time" or "God has a plan." Screw God's time and His plan. I want MY time and MY plan. I feel like I've lost my future and I'm sad that all of this has made me so self-absorbed. Reminders of babies are everywhere. This is devastating. I hate what it's turned me into and I miss who I was before.

Faces of Loss

I just submitted my story to Faces of Loss. It's a wonderful website where many women have told their story of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Check it out.

On another note, I'm writing this cycle down as a big fat fail. AF hasn't come yet, but I'm pretty sure she'll be here soon. Blah.

The plan

Well, I finally called my OB to talk about why I can't get pregnant again. We managed to do it once, so why can't we do it again? I was afraid she would just tell me to keep trying and not to worry so much. But she didn't. She sat and listened to all of my concerns and questions (I brought a list), and she was very responsive to everything. I really feel like she genuinely cares about me. She cried with me the day of my D&C, telling me the story of her miscarriage and how heartbreaking it was. I've been through a lot with her-- 2 surgeries for endometriosis, a biopsy, then a LEEP to get deep tissue, and my D&C. I'm not just a once a year patient, so I think that has helped me build a relationship with her. So the plan is for me to take 50 mg of Clomid, then get a shot of Profasi on day 13. Today is day 14, I got the shot yesterday and haven't had too many side effects from the Clomid except hot flashes and not sleeping well (but that's almost every night) But I can't stop myself from planning ahead and thinking "what are we going to do when this doesn't work?" I just have a feeling that this will never happen for us. I will never experience a bump, I will never be in a hospital delivering a healthy baby. I wish I could be more optimistic. I'm going to try.....

Hopeless

Today is CD1. I had so much hope for this cycle. I was convinced I would get pregnant. I knew I would get pregnant this time. I just had to. Nope. Of course not. I'm not sure why I even hope anymore.